SO-OCD as a bisexual with possible trauma

hi! this post might be me looking for reassurance but i just need to see if there are other people in the same boat here. i have identified as nonbinary and queer for a good few years now, im in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years now. starting a few months ago in about december i had fallen into a fear of actually being a lesbian and not being bisexual due to seeing people with those kinds of stories on tiktok and reddit and also the comphet lesbian masterdoc.. i feel like for me it is hard to tell why the masterdoc relates to me, which is what makes this fear worse. even though i want to like men and feel like i do like men and have the potential to, i have had bad experiences with men in the past, such as being told by an older boy when i was young that he was going to have sex with me, being touched by men in uncomfortable ways, and i also grew up with two abusive(non physical to me) fathers. i feel like i have always had a bit of being uncomfortable with intimacy and love even with two "female" partners in my past. i have also tried to do sexual acts at a young age with men causing me extreme anxiety and nausea even though i did want those things- i feel like i wasnt ready. i was also exposed to porn while i was a toddler so i belive that has something to do with some of these problems. i cant tell if my uncomfortableness is due to trauma, which is my problem. i have been questioning every thought and feeling that i have been having related to my sexuality and my boyfriend, and its killing me. bringing up things from the past and trying to solve it in my head so i just know for sure. i do believe that the masterdoc- yet helpful to some people- is potentially harmful to bisexuals. it has been a long time with this fear now and i just had my first OCD session on here today, which i am glad about. my fear is being worried that i have to leave my boyfriend because it is unfair to him if i am actually gay. some days my anxiety is good and i feel like there is nothing wrong. but other days i wake up with anxiety, get anxious when i think about my boyfriend or talk to him, or otherwise think about anything else related that usually would not bring me anxiety before. part of me is feeling so hopeless and thinking that maybe it is not ocd and i just am coming to terms with actually being gay or falling out of love with my boyfriend. i know i still want to be with my boyfriend deep down and he's the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, but my anxiety and thoughts are telling me otherwise. if anyone has questions or has any input on my post please please comment on here! i am really looking for maybe some people in the same boat or anyone who can share something with me. thanks!

Madmonster84...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Hey saw your other post, your story is definitely extremely relatable, I was exposed to porn from a young age, I had sexual encounters with girls that were uncomfortable to say the least, thinking about them gets me a little sad. Except I'm a man who is married to a woman, she's the best thing in my world. You could know everything about sexuality and understand that sexuality isn't so black and white, but OCD can give a fuck about what you know. I scan my head for hours and remembering memories and ocd tells me "see the evidence of you being gay was always there" and it killed me for a few days. I've since gotten diagnosed with ocd and started treatment and take it very seriously. The least I can say is this, everyone has these type of thoughts the difference between people like us and people like them is that they don't obsess over it. For example my mother in law says some ayo shit sometimes like " you never know, people say menopause makes you do some crazy shit and for all I know I can start wanting to have sex with women, the least I can do is go out with a feminine pretty woman instead of a manly looking woman." Then she just moved on, I'm sure she didn't even think about what she said 2 minutes later. But people like us will be like "what if..." for hours, days, weeks and years. I'd I had to give advice it'd be to consider it to be a real possibility, before I knew I had ocd, years ago I used to have ROCD that I feared my wife (she was just my gf then) was going to cheat on me or had, I get it a lot of guys deal with this but mine was fucking obsessive, I'd think every twitch or set of words meant that she was and sometimes it wasn't even her saying it, it would be a completely unrelated person saying something and somehow everyone knew I was getting cheated on, I'd even dream about it. The way I resolved this for the most part is just thinking maybe it's true but she'd take it to the grave and never tell me and if I had no evidence about it then I just had to deal with it. I've since started to try to apply this logic to this theme too and honestly it's terrifying but it's been getting a lot better. Sorry for the long reply lol.

RRubberDDuck

Date posted: 1y

no problem! thanks so much for replying!!

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 20w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 16w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

anonymouscookie

Date posted: 8w

so ocd and bisexuality

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.

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SO-OCD as a bisexual with possible trauma

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