It's scary!

I thought that learning to trust myself more when it comes to what makes me anxious would be freeing... and it is, in a lot of cases. I can have a thought/bodily sensation or whatever and move on from it quicker, but that incessant "what if you're wrong and are doing the thing you don'r want to do" sticks around. Even limiting checking is scary because after cleaning my stuff so often, and checking, and worrying and monitoring for such a long time... then doing less of that feels like I am going against my values, when a lot of that stuff was just to calm me down/be able to move on from a "situation" that I couldn't even be sure happened at all! Adopting that "if you don't know don't do it" way of accepting uncertainty is... feels like jumping of a cliff! Now don't get me wrong. I still clean, I still check (when needed, like shoes when coming home) and I wash my hands (maybe a little too much... and still to quiet thoughts sometimes). I am not a scuzzball and I will NEVER go down that road. But. Point is, it's frightening, letting go of those things I did that made me feel like I was "being responsible," "protecting someone," or "doing the right thing". I feel confused! Is that normal on the road to recovery?

RMO2023

Date posted: 2y

I know what you mean... for me this happens with scrupulosity. As I'm trying to stay with the discomfort I've been questioning if when I've prayed or listened to sermons it was as a way to get rid of the discomfort, so I feel the urge to do it and tell myself not to. And so It makes me question if I was ever a christian for real, etc etc. But that's just OCD. For you, I think it would be helpful to clean once, with a timer of how long a person without OCD would do it.

RMO2023

Date posted: 2y

Like, cleaning your hands, it's recommended to do it for 20 seconds, so you can do yours like that. They sell timers that are quiet. You could get one for yourself.

Estrid

Date posted: 2y

Oh no...no timer us needed, sounds very compulsive to me. OCD likes it! We don't wanna feed the beast.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

@Estrid I thought about a timer, but then my brain just went directly to contaminating the timer because I'd have to set it with dirty hands--which, to be fair, is properly unhygeinic, anxiety or not. What I've been doing is singing "happy birthday" in my head, since they say that it takes about the proper amount of time to wash if you sing it twice. I often do three or four times because it feels too quick to me. Then, so I can remember if I did it at all, I change up whose "birthday" it is--usually it's stuff in the bathroom like a mirror or taps or whatever. Probably not the greatest either, since I want to reliably go back to autopilot, but it creates an anchor in my memory. Baby steps?

RMO2023

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 Oh this is great! That was gonna be my other suggestion.

Estrid

Date posted: 2y

This is totally normal! I am currently reading Jon Hersfields book "The mindfulness workbook for OCD"- it's so, soooo good. He speaks of this sense of irresponsibility when we don't act in a compulsive way - it's a terrible feeling and we have to practice a mindful perspective, with time the amygdala will adjust.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

Oh yep. I'm trying to say to myself, "ok I checked once, trust my judgement, brain. Move on now." I've also been catching myself when catastrophizing, such as that chain of contamination we all like to imagine... it happens a lot! And I'm doing better at ignoring "what if"s. That's the hardest, because not doing the checking/washing (again sometimes)/etc... brain keeps saying I'm just ignoring a problem/not caring/being irresponsible/etc. Those feelings are kind of rude if you ask me LOL *I* am the one in charge here. What *I* say is okay goes. And if it turns out I'm wrong? I'll deal with it then. If ever. That is scary too! So far everything's been okay. I think I have been on the right track!

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