My story

I’ve never posted on here, but I figured I’d give it a shot. Selfishly, I want to share my experience and see if anyone can relate or has advice. But I figure if someone sees this and it helps them not feel alone, that’s even better. Please forgive me, this may be a bit of a novel. I was formally diagnosed with OCD a year ago but looking back, I’ve struggled with it since high school, different themes over the years. Forever, I thought it was just anxiety and I saw a few different therapists for years. They helped but never got to the root. Over time, depression crept in. I don’t know if it was a comorbidity or cause by the OCD, but it sure didn’t help. I strong armed my way through it until last year. I was walking through a park next to my apartment when the thought of hanging myself from a tree popped into my head and I freaked out. I started researching people who have died by suicide and comparing myself to them. I constantly checked with myself to see if I wanted to or asked people close to me if they could see me doing it. Since then Suicide has been the theme I have struggled with. Some periods are better than others and ERP has helped at times, but recently I have found myself severely struggling. The depression certainly doesn’t help. I don’t want to die and I hold onto that but I see and worry about it everywhere. The thoughts “well that would lead you to commit suicide” or “that’s what someone who would commit suicide would do” constantly pop up. If I travel and stay in a hotel: “people kill themselves in hotel rooms.” I struggle with depression : “depressed people kill themselves”. I feel better : “people with depression will feel ok but they eventually give in” If I take try and have one drink : “drinking will make you depressed and make it easier for you to kill yourself” Shoot, I had a hard time writing this because “this is like a suicide note.” The fear, the worry, the sadness…I feel hopeless. The cliches don’t seem to work. I don’t want to die, but I’m in no happy right now. I’m scared of life and the “what if it doesn’t get better”. I don’t want to be like this for 30/40 more years. I feel like I’m crazy.