- Date posted
- 2y
Awful real event ocd (long post)
made a couple posts about this recently. I have real event ocd over some careless actions I made years ago that actually ended up being incredibly hurtful and disrespectful towards someone I love. I didn’t realize the weight of them at the time. I’ve had on and off phases on feeling good or bad and just a couple weeks ago where I felt fine, but I had one trigger/reminder cross by recently and it’s snowballed over the weeks and I am at an almost all time low. I found a lot of comfort from having the hurt person in my life after the fact. I confessed what I did and did all I could to atone for my actions and prove how much I cared for them. We worked past it at first, but then a year-ish later they admitted they never really healed and now we haven’t spoken in months. That has been incredibly difficult to bear. I keep worrying about whether or not I confessed enough and went into enough detail and if I’m a liar or a coward for not admitting more. That plus just the massive regret, shame, and guilt and the worry that I’ve dealt irreparable harm to them and myself through all of this. I have been attending ERP therapy for a couple weeks and it’s been a long time since then but this is just a very low dip. I’ve felt miserable. It’s very difficult to be compassionate and respectful to myself when I really just am so upset and angry with myself. I don’t agree morally with who I was then, and am angry and felt that I’ve just thrown my entire life away and now it’s too late for me to have any chance of success or peace or redemption- if I even deserve it. I’ve gotten so hooked on judging and punishing myself but am also scared of my entire character being judged about my past by those close to me or the world around me. It takes all my strength to not reach out every day to the hurt person and just pour all my apologies onto them and try to fix it and hope they return back into my life. Idk maybe I’m just ranting and venting but it just sucks. It’s horrible. Like I’ve become this vile person, and there’s no chance for me to achieve anything I’ve ever dreamed of or wanted/ doomed myself and the other involved. I feel either so down and blue or just infuriated and vengeful towards myself. As much as I wish I would be able to heal I more so wish that I could just go back and fix everything in my past. I know that’s not healthy thinking and I know it’s not possible but I would do anything to fix this. Cause I feel like the present is so far back that how could I live the life I want. I’m gonna wrap this up so I don’t just talk in circles. I’ve said everything I wanted to and need to stop. Thanks for reading if you did. Any advice would be greatly appreciated please and thank you. I’ve been having more suicidal feelings recently and just overall hopelessness. Good luck to y’all and your journeys