Hocd

Just sorta to vent and maybe get advice… I normally struggle with OCD and other MH/ medical issues.. I’ve sorta become acclimated to the stress, pain, mind games, and constant perfectionism. I thought I had it under control but this OCD has just been creeping back in small ways over time. I’ve caught myself doing behaviors and not feeling able to stop it. (This is combo of OCD but not sure how to categorize it all) - compulsively counting body movements til it’s the right number and feeling - adjusting papers/rewritten notes numerous times - irrational thoughts of my new pup being dead when I check on her - irrational thoughts that I don’t love my partner or he doesn’t love me after almost 10 years - every plate, cup, utensil has to be properly inspected before being able to use it - food can not have day of expiration (or even close to it) or a weird look or smell = it is inedible - recent close call accident led to dread driving and constant thoughts of a crash even though I did what I could and didn’t crash The list just keeps going.. but it has simply been a struggle that has lead me to feeling self conscious, unprofessional, childish, ashamed, and crazy. It’s a hard thing to accept that this has begun to return after finding ways to cope and manage in the past. I am struggling with finding ways to cope with it all cuz it is constantly disturbing my relationship, work, and personal well being Well that’s my truth for the day

I’ve always had ocd. But never experienced pocd until after I got pregnant and was fixing to deliver. Anyone else? I’ve been struggling with this for almost 2 years 😩 and Prozac gives me heart palpitations I’m at my breaking point. Idk who I am anymore. And it’s so hard having to be a mother of two on top of not wanting to do anything bc my brain tells me everything I’m doing is inappropriate ☹️

Often times I find myself spiraling out in the morning about all sorts of things. When I try and catch myself and figure out what I am obsessing over it’s like it goes away. I haven’t moved. I have been sitting frozen on the floor because I can’t go to work because I am behind on work and I hate being late and I hate being messy but I am frequently late and my room is cluttered and full of stuff. I want to be good and move and go to work but I don’t know what is coming today and I hate my job so I know I will get bored and when I have nothing to keep me busy and engaged I like start thinking and taking an inventory of what is going on and then I will feel a sensation and what is the sensation? How did it happen? And I know that I will pick up the bad emotions in the office and get contaminated, I was really worried about things like this as a kid too I cried because I had to touch dirt in kindergarten. I know I am this way and I have been this way for a while but at the same time I think I might just be normal and like I don’t know why I get stuck in thinking like this. Then I begin to doubt that OCD is real because everyone has a brain with wiring and everyone gets stuck in thought sometimes. I feel disabled from whatever this is because I am stuck. I literally cannot move because I don’t know what’s wrong and I know I have to go to work even though I feel like every moment I spend there is making everything worse because other people are so stressed and I get it from them. And I don’t feel ready because I just feel off and something is wrong and I just don’t know what to do because if it’s OCD or not OCD everything anyone knows about me is coming from me and I worry that I am often masking all the thinking I’m doing because thinking all the time is rude and inconsiderate and inconvenient for those around me, but I can’t stop. I just don’t feel right, right now - and I want to know WHY?? Why is everything off all the time? How do I even know that I am not making up the experience of OCD in my head to cover up something really wrong with me and now I am taking on the symptoms of OCD like an actress, because this could be something that I can latch onto as a final hope for explaining why I am stuck. So stuck so deeply and terribly stuck sitting on my floor next to my bed just scrolling to avoid thinking because any time I start thinking I am left with no answers or help or anything just this swirly feeling. I know I am trying, maybe not my best, but as much as I possibly can. I want to be a Special Education Teacher but I have so much so so so much doubt and uncertainty about every decision I make and everything I know that I can’t get there right now. I can’t do anything right now until it feels ok and then I will. It never feels ok. I know I have to be ok not feeling ok about it. I can be unsure and still be ok. I know it’s just my thinking and my body but I just can’t get past this feeling. And then I know that because I can calm myself and be ok even though I spent 2 hours of my life today already feeling stuck and spinning around and around and around in my head - I don’t feel sure about my OCD and I think it’s a bit of a scam made up by people to cultivate pathology around deep human thought because one day I might figure it out and we all think a lot.