Suicidal Ideation & Suicide OCD

I think i have the same problem as this person but im so afraid to say that im having suicidal thoughts or that when life gets stressfull, i think about suicide, idk i dont want to accept it. Many times i see suicidal ocd is something else that i have, people just having random thoughts but i do have these thoughts when life is stressfull and i feel like i camt handle it. And people put that more to suicidal ideation than ocd. Did you had the same problem? I cant decide if i should work on this thought cause i get really anxious and depressed that i think about suicide when life is bad...

@PRIV8 - Yeah I understand. The same advice applies, though. I think that people have suicidal thoughts when life is stressful pretty often. I do too. To this day, I will literally have thoughts like, "I don't want to live anymore" when things get bad, or even picture what I would do. But those thoughts no longer alarm me, because I've come to understand the massive difference between thoughts and actions. I understand that thoughts cannot "make" me do anything, because that's not how they function. They aren't sending me messages that uncover the darkest secrets of my subconscious either. They are nothing but the brain trying to make sense of what the body is feeling, and they are often inaccurate or flat out wrong, especially in stressful situations, when they default to the most hard-wired patterns. We don't like the feeling of stress/anxiety/depression, and so it's natural to want that feeling to go away, and so the brain will interpret those feelings and bring up images of how we can do that, with death sometimes being one of them. Does having more of these "death" thoughts make you more likely to do it? No. You can have thoughts all day about how you want to get a salad for dinner to be healthy, only to end up getting a burrito instead. In this scenario you wouldn't care that the thought was misaligned with what you really wanted, because it's so mundane. We only hyper-focus and worry about thoughts that are more heavy, like suicide, which causes them to happen more often and fuel the cycle. I think it's easy to misconstrue "accepting" the thoughts with a loss of hope, or like you're giving up in a way. That's why I sometimes frame it as accepting that the thoughts *are there*, rather than accepting the thoughts themselves. It's like being at a crowded party and someone is there that you don't like. If you resist the fact that they are there, you will be eyeing them the whole time, focusing so much attention on them. You'll feel annoyed and angry that they're there and try to think of ways to make them leave. They will pick up on this and probably purposely try to annoy you. It will ruin the party for you. On the other hand you can accept that they're there, and carry on. There are plenty of other guests to pay attention to. Even if the person tries to annoy you, eventually they'll see they aren't really bothering you, and they'll move on too. The point is, you aren't saying, "I like that you're here and I approve of your behavior." You're accepting that they are there. That's it. The same goes for our thoughts. I've pretty much gotten over this theme, but it's not because I was finally able to convince myself that I'd never kill myself. It's because I've learned to accept that I simply don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. My state of mind can change for the better or for the worse for millions of reasons any given day. What I do know is that if I ever do, it wouldn't be because my intrusive thoughts "finally won," which is what we're so afraid of happening. Sorry for this long-winded reply, haha. I'm sure you still have many doubts, and apologies if none of this lands for you. Just know that I understand how hard this is. I was absolutely CRIPPLED by the exact train of thoughts you're describing for years.

@djflorio This is probably the best piece of writing I’ve seen on here lol. So amazingly put. How are you doing with this now?

@wmorris93 - Hah glad you like it! Thank you. As far as this fear is concerned, it hasn't bothered me for probably 5 or 6 years.

@djflorio That’s awesome. Unfortunately it’s something I’m dealing with right now but your words really helped. I really hate how real it can feel when you know this isn’t something you wanna do. The thoughts I can handle but the feelings and urges are brutal lmao. Would be curious as to how you got over that part

@wmorris93 - When it comes to feelings, there is always information within them. Unfortunately, thoughts tend to meddle with that information. So when you say that these suicidal feelings/urges feel "real," most likely what is happening is you are mistaking the feeling of fear/anxiety/sadness/whatever for being truly suicidal, because you're associating these intrusive thoughts with it. I think for me, diving deeper into mindfulness and awareness of my body/feelings naturally started to fix this issue. By practicing mindfulness, I was able to separate the feelings from the thoughts, and I could better understand where the feelings were coming from. You eventually come to realize how much extra junk our thoughts tack onto our feelings. A feeling of sadness or a bout of depression doesn't equal "I want to kill myself," it simply means that you feel a sense of loss or a lack of connection. Those are things you can address, either through proper grief processing or by reaching out to others. A feeling of anxiety doesn't equal "I must be about to kill myself," it simply means that your nervous system is on high alert because for some reason your safety feels threatened (in this case, it's because you fear the uncertainty that you might kill yourself). If you're really bothered by your emotions, it likely means that some story is being tacked onto it by your thoughts. Thoughts are nothing but a guessing game played by the brain.

@djflorio You should genuinely start a mindfulness channel lmao. I’m impressed !!!

@djflorio Thank you for real 🙏🏻 bc yeah like - nothing is my life is happening that I would want to do this it makes no sense. There was a lot of fear that this was somehow a hidden desire or something 😂

@wmorris93 - Hahaha thanks, I'm just glad that my years of deep-diving into this stuff is helping other people too. Good luck with everything!

@djflorio Totally ! Thank you again for sharing that. How are you doing with your ocd overall now?

@djflorio I was also told that yeah people with genuine SI aren’t afraid of that possibility - they’re the ones who are freely thinking it because of an unfortunate situation in their life lol. Which makes a lot of sense. That’s not the case for me - I was living a good life without these thoughts or questions before this popped into my head 😂

@wmorris93 - Overall I have my ups and downs, but I'd say I live a majority of my life without really thinking about OCD at all. I don't identify with the label as much as I used to. I feel like I have enough of an understanding of how my mind works to navigate pretty much anything. And yes, I've had friends and family members who have been truly suicidal, and have been pretty down in the dumps myself, and there is absolutely no fear or anxiety around suicide in those cases at all. It's a completely different frame of mind than the one we talk about here. One funny thing to note, though. It's easy to hear this and then think, "so if I'm having these thoughts and I'm not afraid of them, that means I really AM suicidal???" Just in case that happens to you, make sure to take a step back and recognize that the anxiety has simply shifted to something else. Whether you're afraid of suicide, or afraid that you AREN'T afraid of suicide, all of the same advice applies 😅

@PRIV8 I think you can have both. Ideation and suicidal ocd. Does it differ for you?

@djflorio What about fear of depression ? And then the thoughts that come with the theme “this is going to last forever “ and I tell myself I won’t always think of this but then it’s a constant what if this is really me thinking like this what if I really do it 😭

@Who_knows? - Always bring yourself into the present moment. If a thought comes up, "this is going to last forever," recognize it as just a thought. Respond with "maybe, maybe not." If you try to play ball with the thought and disprove it, it will only increase the perceived importance of the thought. We cannot predict the future. We know nothing about how we will feel even 1 hour from now. The only thing that we know is how we feel in the present moment. If you feel fearful of depression, just notice that you are feeling fearful. There's no need to add any more narrative or story on top of that feeling. Your nervous system is triggered because you perceive depression as a threat to your existence. That's all. If you actually feel depressed, then just notice that you're feeling depressed. Find the markers in your body that indicate the feeling of sadness or depression and pay attention to them. Again, there's no need to add any story on top of the feeling. Any thoughts about how long you'll feel that way, or whether or not it's a sign that you'll harm yourself, are nothing but the ego trying to gain certainty when there really is none. Feelings don't need to be logically analyzed, they just need to be felt. When you truly feel them, over time you'll intuitively know what the best course of action is. With fear and anxiety, you may learn to take a step back, use some self-soothing techniques, and ground yourself in the present to show yourself that you're okay. With sadness and depression, you may learn to not resist those feelings, and acknowledge that you are feeling a sense of loss or a lack of connection, both of which can be addressed by connecting with someone who cares about you. If you're lost in the future, you're on the hamster wheel of intrusive thoughts. You can step off of the hamster wheel and let it spin on its own while you pay attention to what's really happening in the moment.

@djflorio Starting beginning of November I’ve been dealing with nonstop suicidal thoughts. I’ve had depression before and I also have a severe history of OCD. These thoughts have been affecting me nonstop. From the moment I wake up, all the way till I fall asleep. I’m unable to focus at class, work, school or anything. I’m constantly feeling anxious, and I’m terrified I’ll act on these thoughts. Or one day I’ll get too depressed and take my own life.

@Cherno Really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. Trust me I know how it feels because I've been there. Let me offer a perspective shift: the suicidal thoughts and the anxiety are not the problem here. They're unpleasant, but they aren't the driving force behind your suffering, the compulsions are. Something about how you're reacting to these thoughts is fueling this non-stop cycle, like a hand spinning a wheel over and over. So to ease this suffering you don't need to get rid of the thoughts or anxiety, you need to change the way you react to them. If you've never tried ERP therapy, that's one of the most effective ways to do so. Also look into the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) technique of Radical Acceptance. It may change the way you react to life in general. Hope this helps.

@djflorio Super helpful thank you so much 😢🥲🥹😮‍💨