Well

It hasn’t even been a week since my boyfriend broke up with me because of my OCD and depression cocktail. He said that the breakup wasn’t out of him not loving me anymore, but because he and his family had already dealt with very strong mental health issues in the past and that a) he couldn’t bear seeing me hurting all of the time and b) he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be “my nurse”. Then he said that I shouldn’t blame myself because depression and OCD are never anyone’s fault. I’ve tried to be very understanding: I do believe one has a right to decide what one wants in their partner. He doesn’t want a partner with mental health issues, I can understand that. I can also understand that these five months since my OCD made itself known have been very hard on him. But, I also feel so betrayed. He used to nitpick the word “love” so much and reflect on what it actually meant to love. He said loving someone was choosing to stay with them during the good times and the bad. This is absolutely the worst bad time in my entire life. And he said, and also said it to my mother, that he would stick with me through it all. Now five months later, he’s changed his mind. I don’t get how he can say he still loves me and abandon me when I most need love and support. If it’s not my fault like he says, why leave me? He said he still wants to be in my life—at a safe distance, where he can’t see all the ugly parts of what OCD and depression can do to a person. All of this makes me feel as if I wasn’t worth the effort of dealing with everything. Then that’s not love is it? I also feel very lonely as the only people that know about my OCD were him and my parents. He made himself into one of my biggest pillars of support, and shaped our lives so that he could always be with me. So we’re in the same classes, and although we share friends I’ve always felt that they entertained me because I was his girlfriend. As for my closer friends, I’ve felt that I was drifting apart from them and although I’ve furtively mentioned my problems with OCD to them, they either don’t care to ask or aren’t really sure how to talk to me. I feel so alone. And now my “number one supporter” has left, and it angers me very much. Especially because I’ve been the one to calm him down and give him hugs and explained what topics we saw in the class he missed the day after we broke up. I’m the one that convinced him to eat three cookies for dinner because he didn’t want to eat. And I’m the one that had to tell him that friends don’t wish each other a great night every night, like we used to do. It seemed like he wanted things to stay the same but without the relationship part of kissing and dealing with my panic attacks. It feels it’s kind of unfair because he’s not without issues and I didn’t judge him once and always tried to be there for him, and the single biggest issue I have ever had was too much for him. The vengeful part of me wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I hope he understands his decision has consequences and that he can’t be with me in the same way he was— especially now that I know that he leaves at my most critical, vulnerable moments. I’m writing this while mad. But I know later I’ll feel sad and more understanding and want to be friends with him again. And then I’ll get mad again. And so on. I know this is just a really tough situation however you look at it. But I’m still overwhelmed by the thought that if OCD had never struck, we might still be together. I also deserve some love and support 😔 Thank you if you read all the way till here. I’m sorry if it was a long read, but I’m very thankful. Nowadays it feels like NOCD is one of my remaining sources of support. I’m very grateful for everyone on here, I hope all of you have a great day and that it’s a victory against this accursed mental disorder

It kinda mind boggling to me how OCD can even cause stuff to happen to us physically as well. And it all feeling real. It only reminds me how flawed our bodies really are. If people were to hear of our situations they'd call us names and choose to stay ignorant. People fear what they cannot understand. Before this I could have possible have been one of them, but here I am. OCD really goes for anybody. Does not matter what ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation you are. It is a twisted disorder that likes to make others lives harder. If I were to tell myself before this that this would happen, I would'nt believe it. I was convinced I am evil, I cried for weeks. I had to sleep in my parents bedroom for a period of time cause I couldn't face the darkness alone. This application helped me greatly during this, cause I learned just as much about OCD as I did about myself. At the same time I get saddened cause I see people going through the exact same, or much worse. If any who come across this post have any questions for me, u can feel free to do so

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.