Being with trigger constantly

Do you get irritated and angry and sometimes feel urges?

@JamesMY Yes!!! I have to take breaks A LOT cause my thoughts are intrusive and I don’t like them! I have ALWAYS loved children so to have these thoughts with my own kinda piss me off. I go into “Mama mode” against my own brain. It’s an exhausting process

@JamesMY Who told you you aren’t good at caring for him? Being a caregiver is very hard. And we are often our worst critics. Let me tell you a story: My father suffered with Parkinson’s for almost a decade before complications from it took his life. I too was a primary caregiver for him. I shared responsibilities with my mother. Mid-disease, my dad was given physical therapy and valuable tips on how to slow down the progression of this terrible disease. However he refused to take advice of anyone, and was apathetic. This affected me deeply. I was angry, nasty, and sometimes had tantrums as I tried to get through to him. I could be extremely nasty in my words. I thought, “he doesn’t care about us. He doesn’t want to get better. Why is he so stubborn?” It was only until a couple years later when his disease progressed to a critical point that I surrendered to his state and realized his apathy didn’t have to do with not loving me and my mom. It was his disease. I was able to make peace with my dad, but my mom, now at this point, his primary caretaker (bathroom and bathing help now since we never put him in a nursing home or facility), couldn’t make peace with him and was angry and nasty. I saw his decline as I still lived at home to help, and also saw my mother’s mental decline as well. Family and friends would offer us shallow words of encouragement but never helped us physically with my dad. I felt angry that my mom and I were at the forefront of this battle between Parkinson’s and my father, and even close family wouldn’t care enough to come and help for a bit. My mom took this the worst and only declined mentally and physically. When I told her to bring in professional help, she always refused. My dad eventually declined so badly that one day he fell and had to go to the ER. Parkinson’s stripped my father of almost everything in those 2 short weeks and he passed away. My mother continues to feel shame and guilt over her anger and frustration. However the way I see her is a woman who is very human and was plagued with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Caretakers have it the worst I think. We can’t begin to understand what the sufferer is feeling and experiencing and we are the who are also suffering, oftentimes feeling alone. While I do not know what your father is going through, I want you to consider feeling compassion for yourself and commend what you are able to do. I don’t know you, but oftentimes those suffering from mental illness such as ocd find being a caretaker even harder. I encourage you to speak to your therapist to try to perhaps uncover why you are feeling angry or not good enough for your dad. But please, understand that all this is so common for caretakers to experience. Be kind to yourself and good luck ❤️

@caraviolinist Wow! This was so helpful ❤️

@caraviolinist - I am going through harm ocd and severe depression and withdrawal from paxil. He had rectal cancer. It is gone now, but he is 81 and needs someone. Last year I started developing a resentment towards him. I don't know if it was from stress, the withdrawal or what but combined with my harm ocd and the fact I haven't worked in 10 years, etc things just got very bad I feel like I'm am always on call. I'm not cut out for this and I often pray that God would take me.

@jaec As caretakers, we have these expectations of ourselves and thoughts on “how things should be”. We oftentimes don’t pause to appreciate what we are doing. In my mom’s case, this is one of the reasons she became so angry. She felt she was failing, when in truth, she wasn’t…she was unsupported, under appreciated, and burned out, never pausing to give herself compassion. That lack of compassion is so detrimental to caretakers.

@caraviolinist That resonated! Thank you 🥰

@JamesMY I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. You are valued and loved. I urge you, if you aren’t already, to speak to a licensed professional about this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I send you so much love. You aren’t alone.

@JamesMY Wanted to also add, there are professionals who can come in and help your dad to give you a break. The price can be very reasonable too. You don’t have to go through this alone. Bringing in help doesn’t mean you aren’t up to the task. It means you are taking steps to adding essential self care, something that is really hard to do if one is a primary caretaker for someone. Just wanted to reiterate that you are loved and valued. Sending you a virtual hug from the east coast ❤️

@caraviolinist - There are no therapists around me who take my insurance. There is one an hour away from me but she doesn't specialize in OCD and she has a 3 month wait. I should have never quit paxil cold turkey but I was so stressed last year I wasn't thinking right I feel evil and I can't shake the anger. Thanks for your kind words.

@JamesMY Ugh I’m so sorry. It must be so incredibly frustrating. 😢 NOCD offers free consultations I believe (I’m pretty sure). Maybe they can offer some help in some way?

@caraviolinist - Also my dad would never allow any help. I mean he is fine really. He can functionz his health is good. Right now I do the shopping, medical appointments, cooking, garbage, etc. But he has all the money, so when something has to be done I have to twist his arm. And I'm afraid of my stress level if things get worse. This cancer thing shocked us and I think it traumatized me. It came out of nowhere. So I feel hyper responsible. And I'm always worrying. I don't have my own life but I don't know what I would do anyway if I had free time m I just fear what's coming. I have 2 brothers who make great money bit they just kind of pretended dad didn't have cancer. I have no support. If I had money things would be a little less stressful. Obviously your experience is much more stressful than mine, but that's my point. I'm not made for this and I fear what's coming. I have to do most things and I'm already losing it. I pray for death all the time.

@JamesMY Ugh my brother makes six figures and also didn’t help much with us. He was good at judging though. It caused a lot of resentment and I still feel it. Im trying to learn how to let it go. It’s getting better with time. Please try not to compare others’ situations to yours. You’re going through so many struggles. Everyone’s situation is different. One isn’t less stressful than the other. It’s just different. ❤️ I totally hear you on the lack of support. It stinks, especially when a close member like brothers don’t. I’m so sorry.

@JamesMY It’s so scary. I totally understand this

When I go to sleep at night I block my door with a full laundry basket because I fear I might lose control in the middle of the night and kill or something. I have never married and never had kids because of my harm OCD.

@JamesMY Oh my. I’ve never experienced it to that level. I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you can find techniques and coping mechanisms to help you!

@swolf1594 - Well it's classic harm ocd. Often people go to absurd lengths. There is a famous guy from England who wrote a book about Harm OCD. He walked around with handcuffs in his pocket so in case he lost it he could cuff himself. You'll think and perform all sorts of rituals. The common one is hiding knives, which I've been doing for years also.

@JamesMY I’ve had the distressing thoughts but I always knew and felt confident that I’d never act on them. Self-talk really helped me with the harm OCD. I have various forms of OCD. The one that distresses me the most is perfectionism OCD which is especially challenging to overcome. The spectrum of OCD is incredibly wide which is astounding.