Has anyone ever had any experiences when they were a young child with like being curious as a child and are now worrying that you were a perpetrator of COSCA, I can’t remember anything and I’m terrified I hurt someone,today has been an awful day
I’m sorry you’re struggling today. Do your best to not try and figure it all out. Allow the uncertainty and distress, it will get better, if you don’t do compulsions. Try to do things that you value and bring you joy.
@VGH Thank you,but if I did do something then I wouldn’t deserve to feel better
@LiIac Whether something happened or didn't, you deserve to live your life now and live by the values you care about now. Put your energy into that, not rumination/compulsions.
@josh285 I researched about COCSA and now I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m going to explode I know I shouldn’t have
@LiIac It will pass if you let it pass, thinking about it and feeding it information/research will not help you or anyone else, it will just make you feel bad. You don't have to engage with the thoughts or memories, they aren't going to actually help you understand or solve anything. Do your best to not give the intrusive thoughts the attention that they want and try to go about your day normally, you can get through it
@josh285 Thankyou for your help :)
@LiIac - Hi, I agree with Josh, the more we struggle with our thoughts/feelings, the worse they will get. This is the response prevention we all must do when we are recovering from OCD. Don't beat yourself up for checking, we all make give in and do compulsions. Recovery takes time and practice, focus on right now, and try to stop thinking about the past or the future. Take care.
@VGH Thankyou :)
Hey, I know this comment is a year late, but I hope you see it. I’m in the same place, and it’s especially scary because I can’t confidently remember what I did or how old I was when it happened. The one thing I do know is that I was 5 years older than the other person, which just makes me all the more mortified and terrified, especially when I try to put it in perspective of how old I *might* have been at the time. (Hypothetically somewhere between 9-10) When i first had this thought pop into my head I spiralled so so hard. I spent so long replaying everything, trying to remember what actually happened, and every time I replayed the moment, it changed in my mind. I’m so scared that I’m a perpetrator of COSCA, but I can’t confidently say to what severity. I don’t think I could ever admit this openly to anyone, but part of me feels an overwhelming kind of guilt that could only ever go away if I confessed. It even makes me feel like I should be confessing to people like my boyfriend. I feel a sense of obligation to share this with him, I think partly due to the fact that I see us getting married in the future. But I don’t think I ever could tell him, and that makes me worry for the future of my relationship. I don’t want to build a relationship on secrets, and this secret feels so overwhelmingly heavy. At one time it even made me feel unworthy of love. But it would ruin our relationship if I told him. I’m stuck with an unsolvable problem it seems, and even if I did decide to confess, I wouldn’t be able to confidently say what happened, because I don’t even know anymore. But the guilt is unbearable at times. And it comes and goes in waves. I’m scared that one day when I have kids the guilt will come back again in a huge way and I’ll be forced to confess. I don’t even know if this is “OCD” and I don’t want to label myself. I just know I’m experiencing similar problems and it terrifies me.
@Anonymous_confessions Can we talk? I’m dealing with the same exact issue.
(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.
im just now finding out more details about how csa permanently affects children and now im petrified of traumatizing a child to the point where i almost want to be castrated. i can’t stand the thought of ruining a child’s life like that. like what if someone lies about their age online or what if i accidentally traumatized a child and didn’t remember? what if i didn’t care enough about the effects of csa before? it’s to the point where i don’t even look forward to having a s*x life. for some reason it feels too risky even though i don’t have bad intentions.
i just thought about something that happened between me,my sister, and brother when we were younger and im pretty sure it was COCSA and im getting scared thinking about it. I’m the oldest and the biggest age gap is three years so we’re all fairly close in age and this happened when i was around maybe 8 and im not going to discuss too many details here because im scared but im just thinking about so many things from my childhood that could be signs i couldve been SA’d and its making me think what if i was and i dont remember and thats why that situation happened and the other ones im thinking about ? cause there are a couple situations im thinking about but i dont even know if theyre real. the only one i know is real is the one where i think i was apart of COCSA because i distinctly remember my siblings and i joking about it some time after it happened a few times. im scared of what my siblings might think of me if they remember it now after its been so long. like do they think im disgusting? i dont even remember how the event had started or if i was the one who made the suggestion but i just remember laughing when it was being done. honestly idek if it could be considered COCSA and im scared to talk to anyone about it in too much detail. this is really scary posting this i feel like im in trouble or something but idk i just need to vent. last post for now i just keep thinking too much today.
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