Someone to talk to?

I've been suffering from severe Harm OCD urges about wanting to act out thoughts that I don't want to act on and I get these urges in my hand and it's so crippling. I had a bad fight with my friends due to this and just barely today, I told them I was feeling super down, and we're all just crying, but the intrusive urges to actually do that thing I don't wanna do. It's debilitating

@Anonymous Hmm. I'm sorry about that. :( So did you patch things up with your friends? And you told them how you were feeling, right? Being open with them is good

@Anonymous I've informed them of what I've been suffering with and they're completely understanding

@Anonymous Nice! :)

@Anonymous What's been hard is that the hand urges feels so real and I hate it 😩

@Anonymous I'm sorry. I know things can feel really real. What have you been doing to treat OCD? Are you working on ERP?

@Anonymous I unfortunately am not working on ERP as of late, I've been mainly distracting myself form my intrusive urges or flat out avoiding what's even triggering them, and that has only seemed to worsen them, but I'm so scared if I suddenly stop avoiding and start living like how I want. That I'll end up acting on the thought

@Anonymous I have a therapist with NOCD, but it was my first session and she's currently on vacation as of now 😅

@Anonymous That's okay. I'm no professional but I think sometimes distraction is alright, if it is needed at the moment. It is preferable to not distract yourself and to sit with all the anxious thoughts that come with the situations you will naturally encounter, but sometimes you can't handle all the feelings that you would get. Personally, that's where I'm at. I would like to read the Bible, but it is too hard on me, so I have to work up to that, and unfortunately I have to "avoid" it for now. But that, again, is just my opinion. I'm just saying, if you feel that not distracting yourself will do more harm than good at the moment, then that's okay in my book. What I would do in your situation, personally, is to work on some imaginal scripts. You can look up what that is, you can ask your therapist about them, or I could send you a link to some information on them. You say you fear that you would act on the thought if you didn't avoid, so you could do a worst case scenario script for that. But you would have to decide for yourself if you believe that is a good first step for you, I don't know how you're feeling exactly. This first session you had with your therapist, is that the first time you learned about ERP?

@Anonymous No, it hasn't been, I've seen it mentioned around a lot, but I never truly used it. Instead, I would write off thoughts, but ever since they changed into intrusive urges, it's been more difficult to handle for me since it feels so real. This is probably a super specific thought to me, but I have a group of online friends, and one random day while I was stressed and talking to them. I had an intrusive thought to unfriend them which came with the urge in my hand and it scared the crap out of me

@Anonymous I understand intrusive urges. While I have never had the urge to unfriend someone, I have had urges to do specific actions before. And boy was it hard. I was even worried that if I did that action, I would go to hell without a chance to change or anything

@Anonymous It's so specific! It terrifies me! I fear that since this is such a random and taboo thought, that I'll be brushed off by people here even though plenty of people have helped me, and since this thought doesn't really fit into a category, I didn't know what to do 😓

@Anonymous Is it another thought other than the unfriending urge?

@Anonymous It's mainly been that and pretty vivid images or thoughts of me acting out the thought, I've been avoiding playing with them due to this, they've also been informed of the situation

@Anonymous It's good you told them. I wouldn't ever brush you off for that thought. I wouldn't brush anyone off for a thought sounding random. And I don't personally consider that thought very taboo Side note: I've got thoughts that don't fit into a category as well. It does make things feel more difficult

@Anonymous While it's not taboo, it does bother me a lot alongside the intrusive urge, what doesn't help is that I'm currently undiagnosed so I'm panicking over whether or not this is OCD or I'm just an awful friend, because I hate having these urges and thoughts alongside my friends as they're my only friends and I'd never do something like this. It's lead me to so much depression al episodes and even worse on really bad days

@Anonymous I'm sorry. My therapist didn't tell me that I was diagnosed with OCD until I asked a long time later, and when I did they told me I was diagnosed with it pretty much the whole time. So if you want to know if you are diagnosed with it, you might have to bring it up to your therapist

@Anonymous I currently have one with NOCD, bit she's unfortunately on vacation 😅

@Anonymous Ok. You could ask her when she gets back Also, you could consider this: what would you say to a friend if they told you exactly what you are telling me? What if your friend said they were worried that they were a bad friend for the same reasons? How would you respond? Trying to consider your thoughts and yourself in the perspective of if they were a friend's thoughts is a good thing to put into practice

@Anonymous I'd tell them that I know that it's not their fault and that it's apart of a mental disorder that they have no control over. I just don't know how to really dismiss or acknowledge the intrusive thoughts and then go about my day as if nothing happened

@Anonymous ERP isn't easy. It is pretty emotionally and mentally taxing. Even after 2 years of therapy, I still have difficulty with it. But ERP is worth it

@Anonymous I know it is, thank you again for responding to me, may I ask how you manage depression while handling these intrusive urges and thoughts?

@Anonymous No problem! :) Depression is my main thing right now. I'm pretty bad at self-compassion, and I am working through a lot in my life that I grieve. ERP very well might help you, but considering what my obsessions are and how they revolve around things I'm already upset about regardless of OCD, ERP hasn't particularly improved my emotions as of yet. But don't let that get you down, my case is different from yours. I currently just started seeing a therapist who works with depression that comes from OCD, who I found on the International OCD Foundation's (IOCDF) website's therapist search tool (the IOCDF is a good resource, I would recommend it). I just started, so I don't know how that'll go quite yet. Long story short, I'm unfortunately not doing well emotionally right now. :( You could ask someone else what to do about depression, such as your therapist when they return