OCD

Hello everyone, forgive my bad English since it is not my native language, I have been suffering from OCD for 6 years now. It started with being afraid of harming my loved ones and soon it escalated. All of this leads us here towards sexual obsessions. I was abused many times when I was a child. I don't know if that had any impact on my sexual issues. so everything lead up to a intrusive tought of what would happend if i touch myself with a picture of your parents" and I ended up paying attention to the intrusive tought and i ended up doing what my intrusive tought told me so i said to me "OCD would make me touch myself for everything i loved so what, i would do it before the anxiety attacks" and I end up in a spiral of having touched myself by several photos of my family members, friends and even my own therapist all wanting to prevent future compulsions and anxiety now I only think about taking my life, I never wanted that to happen I am not a monster who has sexual desire towards my loved ones I fell under my own intrusive thought and the only thing I think about now is taking my life life for what I've done

I’m a good man and I know that. My OCD revolves around relationships. While dating someone a truly enjoy, I find myself needing to compulse everything on my mind or else I feel like I’m being a liar or keeping secrets. I also am pretty confident I suffer from false memory ocd. I don’t like to put a label on things but I’m 99.9% sure I do. My compulsions a lot of times come from things I’m not even sure are real. The more thought I put into them, the more I start to believe they are real. One of the worst compulsions I had in my relationship was I had a thought “what if I find my ex more attractive” and “what if I thought the sex with them was better”. I ended up compulsing these things to my gf. After lots of time to think and get a ahold of myself I was able to remind myself that these things weren’t true and I was just in a downward spiral. There was a 2-3 month period where every time I was relieved of something then I would instantly think of something else. These compulsions have caused insecurity in my gf and I feel like a terrible person. Never meant to hurt her at all and was just trying to find a sense of relief. While I know it is not true, I can’t fix things with words and I feel terrible. I would love to hear from people with tricks and strategies that can help. I love my gf and want to fix things and understand this is not a relationship fixer app but I would like to know what are some ways you are able to deal with these kind of things.

I think I have OCD since last year but I just realized that I’ve got OCD this year even I haven’t been to any mental clinics or hospitals to test if I have OCD or not. I realized i have OCD this year when i watched movies or videos but i feel like to watch them again and again to check some specific sentences in that movie. Like if that video has subtitles and there are always have some phrases or sentences that make me read, look at every single words of that thing. Even sometimes i check that thing just want to know at the end of that sentence has a dot or comma, kind of like that, i know it’s hard to describe about these situations for me even i know checking these things doesn’t help me anything in my life but the more i watch, read and focus at any details in anything i look so when i remember about something that i watched or red, if i cannot remember exactly all the words of that sentence in the movies, videos, post i feel like to check just know what it is again. Most of my compulsions are related to anything i look, watch or read in my phone. Even sometimes i feel like to check if that is just an account name of anyone, comments on social medias. And before i had so many bad problems with doing things to just “feel right” after i watched those movies and videos. There were some rules that came in my mind so when i watched them again - i had to click this, touch this, replay this over and over again in the video or even look at video duration at the end. There are so many things that i did before that i couldn’t describe enough but i just want to say i used to want to complete many missions in my mind to just feel right or feel completed. If i don’t complete that stupid mission (i called it stupid because i kept me stuck with my life), I’m gonna do it again and again whenever i free until i finish it. At the moments, i don’t have any stupid missions to do about those things i watched but still have some thoughts about them and want to check to know what they are. Can anyone help me with my problem about OCD? My English can not be really good as I’m not a native English speaker. Thanks.