Set backs in recovery.

So something that kinda pops up with my anxiety is about a year or so ago i ate an edible gummy after not doing anything for a while and i tripped out really bad… for example i thought i was gonna overdose and die, and that i was already dead.. that is the most fear i have felt in my entire life, and even though its over and has been over i have this constant fear in my mind “what if your still high and this is all a dream” or “your gonna wake up and it will still be that night” i never wanna feel that way again. i can’t even go around the smell of weed with out freaking out. i can’t take pills, or vitamin gummies because “what if it will make me high” when it comes to sleeping i wanna try this dr teals sleep blend but i struggle so much with it because of my mind saying “it will make you feel high”.. even when i feel tired i feel scared cause it reminds me of feeling high.. its just i feel so stuck with the same reaccrujng thought “this could be the time you wake up and it was all just a dream” “you could wake up from coma and this was all imagined” i don’t know what else to do, its my own mind no one can help me and that sucks i don’t know how to win the battle when it’s such a deep rooted fear. i feel like im pushing my family away. i feel so numb.

Hey guys, I hope you’re well! My names Matt, and OCD has struck me again 😂 When I was 10 years old I had to attend therapy as I was having excessive intrusive thoughts. P.s. I didn’t even know this was possible at the age of 10! I then completely forgot about it, until 2.5 years ago when I started experiencing ROCD. I really couldn’t understand why I was feeling/thinking this way however, I soon after remembered my struggles as a child and then realised my OCD had returned. Also, my mum has serious OCD so I guess that could be why too. I had a a really hard battle with my emotions and mood due to this however, the last 1.5 years had been really good and I managed it well. I got married and had the best day of my life. 3 months ago, a thought about having an affair in my head appeared, and BOOM, it’s back again. I’m struggling a lot right now however, I’ve accepted that this could be a re occurring theme throughout my life, and it’s time to learn to deal with it again. I’m back on medication and have started ERP therapy, so hopefully it’s on the up from here. I’m not here to list off my triggers and thoughts as this would be me seeking reassurance however, I’m here to show that recovery is certainly possible!

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.