Vent I’m sorry

Does anyone else think they might not be able to live a full life? I feel so selfish saying this because I’m so grateful for all that I have. And I truly don’t want to lose my family and hurt them. But I just feel like I don’t know if I can live with these thoughts and images that come up, and ruminating. I feel like something new from the past comes up every day and I’m going back over and it’s making me realize I’m not a good person and making me question myself. Some memories I don’t have answers to if it really happened or not and I can’t accept uncertainty. And I don’t like the idea of oh well if it really happened what’re you going to do now? I feel like I don’t know who I am and that maybe I’m just lying to myself and everybody around me and I’m just manipulating because I’m trying to save myself. I know who I want to be. I want to be a good person. I want to be here for my family and see them achieve their goals and be happy. I want to be kind. But everything that my brain keeps pushing up is making me think I’m not deserving of all that I have and getting better. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here and me being here is hurtful, but I also feel like if I wasn’t here that would hurt my family and confuse them and would be selfish of me. Or maybe would be cowardly of me. I don’t know I’m sorry I’m not trying to self pity or get pity from anyone else. I just keep thinking this a lot especially at night and I needed to get it off of my chest, and see maybe if anyone else is feeling anything similar.

Lchristopher1

Date posted: 1y

So relatable. In fact I was just thinking today that I don't really know who I am. Today my therapist said to me "we need to be able to start separating you from your OCD because it's a part of you it's not all of you." But you know what, it sure feels like all of me because it literally consumes me. I was just diagnosed about 2 weeks ago but it's made a lot of sense that I've had this for much much longer... I'm almost MAD that all of the doctors and therapists and counselors I've seen and talked to missed this diagnosis (especially how often ive gone to these people with health ocd.) I often think...who could I have been had I had intervention years and years ago? Where would I be? It's honestly a grieving process letting go of the idea of what normal is and accepting yourself for who you are. It's exhausting for us. We are constantly hypervigilant and in fight or flight. Our brains never stop. Are you trying medications or therapy? I just started an audio book called "needing to know for sure" and it's pretty good so far, just getting into the part where you learn skills to help. On a wait list for a distress terance group and therapy 1x a week. I feel like beating this is hopeless sometimes, but I also am fighting for my life back. I named my OCD brain Karen because she's always trying to speak to the manager 🤣 and everytime I have an ocd thought I say "shut up Karen." Anyways, I'm not sure how far along you are on your journey but don't give up. Fight for your life back from your Karen. Fuck Karen. You deserve peace and to experience this life with a clear mind too! 💜

bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y

@Lchristopher1 Thank you so much for your comment, that last part made me smile about calling your OCD brain Karen.😆 I’m not officially diagnosed, I started using this app just to not feel so alone because what I’ve been experiencing seems like OCD. I think I’m going to talk with someone on telehealth soon. I don’t know what will happen from there, I’m nervous but I want to try to get better. Maybe eventually I’ll try a therapist on NOCD if that end up being what it is. I will definitely have to listen to that audio book! Thank you again for sharing and for the encouraging words. I hope you get your life back from Karen too.❤️

Lchristopher1

Date posted: 1y

@bloominglotus You're just getting started then and thats amazing but also can be scary! Therapy is an amazing step. I also do telehealth and I can be at home comfy in my bed with my coffee while I do the work 🤣 I think the hardest part for me with this diagnosis is realizing i cannot trust a part of myself and I have to kill off that part of me, which makes me wonder who I am, whats my new baseline? Who will I be then? But that part of me causes a constant negative view of myself and wonder what's wrong with me and doubt myself and the guilt which you described above, it's as if you feel like a burden. So it's GOTSTA GO. But there's hope for our spicy brains, we just gotta work a little harder than everyone else to create a new baseline. And don't trust your Karen because you do matter and people love you, you are not a burden and you are not alone. I feel so validated reading these posts because I finally found people who understand!

ocdsucks248

Date posted: 1y

i feel the same exact way and posted something similar to this. it’s hard and i just have alot of self doubt in myself.

nae nae

Date posted: 13w

Tired of feeling like a bad person

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

rainbows

Date posted: 13w

Rant ( any words would be appreciated )

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

Real Events OCD

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 8w

When does something count as trauma?

Really long vent sorry 😣 I don’t think I’ve experienced any specific or intense traumatic events but I do feel like I might have trauma. I particularly struggle with religion and idk how much of it is ocd and how much might be trauma or if they overlap? Maybe I’m just overeacting? I’ve been raised Christian (and I’m still really young ) I have an amazing supportive family and amazing friends and I feel like my life is perfect and I’m just complaining and everyone has it worse and that I’m invalidating their experiences!? But also my life is not perfect and my family IS a mess. I think I have body dysmorphia but maybe I’m just ugly and I sometimes wonder if I have Bpd but I’m too young to get diagnosed. How I see myself and how I feel changes so regularly and it’s really distressing! I constantly feel guilty for sinning and feel like I don’t deserve anything good. I constantly label everything I do as good or bad and whether I deserve love because of those things. (Particularly sexual thoughts and desires make me feel impure and disgusting) (I keep thinking sex=bad but idk if that’s true and idk who to talk to cos it’s embarrassing and my family is Christian) I feel a huge sense of relief when I think about not being Christian but then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. Idk how much of that could be ocd and how much could be some complex trauma? But I’m pretty sure I don’t believe Christianity but that I SHOULD believe but then that I’d be doing that for selfish reasons! I don’t want anyone to know how disgusting and sinful I am but I feel like I’m being manipulative if I don’t tell everyone everything and give them enough information to make their own decisions. I just want to stop existing because the constant spiralling and back and forth of my thoughts is just too much. The thing is that I would understand and care about anyone else going through similar things but I cannot bring myself to feel compassionate for myself because I must be perfect. I also recently watched Ginny and Georgia and triggered my body and eating issues and sh thoughts😭 I feel so weak all the time and I keep seeking some kind of validation or reason for my pain. I feel like I’ve left out too much and I’m just seeking reassurance here but that any reassurance I get will be fake or I’ll make heaps of people mad or something 😭😭😭 I feel so stuck right now I feel like people should hate me but I don’t want them to.

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Vent I’m sorry

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