- Date posted
- 1y
Childhood trauma coming back to me
I’m an only child, and since I was little my mother was always having some kind of attacks or breakdowns. We used to sleep together in the same room, every night, in the dark, once starts to get headache, she starts screaming and shouting and talk about things that bother her and say her own ocd thoughts out loud, even though she’s religious, I remember her cursing God and talking bad to him and talking about existential things such as God created us to makes us suffer and to play with us as toys, which was extremely scary to a little kid, she also used to blame me for everything she’s going through cuz she wanted to get divorce but couldn’t because she got pregnant with me and she used to abuse me physically sometimes, and the most scary thing she used to do, is acting as if she’s insane and beating herself and suddenly laughing, it was horrible, and what’s more confusing, is that she turns into a completely different person in the morning, as if I was living with two people. I grew up, and my mother is way better than before, when I remember these days it feels like someone kind of an old dream, and my mother thought that I wouldn’t remember these things once I grew up, but I still do, I don’t think about often, but I think maybe it’s the thing that made me develop OCD, especially existential OCD. Before two weeks, I had an argument with my mother, she did me wrong, and I was too upset and she was trying to gaslight me into thinking that I’m being sensitive and that she did nothing wrong which makes me feel more upset that I started saying some harsh words to her such as that’s why no wants to be friends with you, and she suddenly started to scream and beating herself and saying things for about half hour, it was just like these old nights, I’ve never seen her like this for years, and what made me more scared, is that once she started doing that, I suddenly felt numb, and I had a poker face on, I felt nothing and did nothing, as if my mind was trying to protect me from having such an extreme emotions that it won’t handle. It’s been almost two weeks, all this time I’m feeling detached from my body, my brain is foggy, I suddenly lost my confidence and I feel shamed and don’t want anyone to look at me or notice me and I just wanna hide somewhere, I lost my appetite and I lost some weight, I don’t feel secure nor safe, and I’ve been having nightmares every night. I’m trying to get back to myself, I thought maybe it’s an OCD episode and I have to make ERP, but I can’t spot any obsessive thoughts, my brain is so foggy and dizzy. I’m thinking is it possible to be Depersonalization/ Derealization?