Can't tell if I even matter to this person or not

So I was talking to this one polyamorous guy but we had been friends before we started talking romantically. Anyway one day he has a mental breakdown and he says he can't do polyamory rn (for reasons I won't get into but I think they're valid) and I was like that's fine. But now it just feels like we can't talk to each other. I am either terrified that I won't be able to talk to him cause I will be too upset or I am terrified he won't talk to me because he hates me. We used to talk nonstop everyday but now we haven't talked for three days. And I don't know if it's me or him, or maybe I am just losing it. But all I want to do is talk to him. I am always checking his socials just trying to see if he's online and wondering if he will or why won't he text me. Anytime we do talk, it's always like a two sentence exchange. Maybe it's him, maybe he needs space, but everytime I see him (we go to college together) he seems to be happier, everytime he posts on twitter he seems happier, I don't know. I just want him to like me. I want to talk to him. I am scared I have to stop talking to him completely, because in the past I have never gotten over someone unless someone else comes in and takes their place so it isn't like we can take a break and then I come back and everything's good. It would likely take a long time, and it's only been like 4 months since we started talking 😭 (I am so cooked). I don't know why I am like this. I wish I could be normal about him/other people. I don't know if I am just in an OCD spiral or not, but I just want it to be over. Sorry for the rambling, but if anyone has any advice I will consider it.

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

I'm adding the trigger tag because I'm not sure what qualifies as a trigger, I don't even understand what mine are either? I don't really know where to start this post, I've definitely been down a bit of an obsessive spiral lately involving rumination and regrets about handling certain situations, only to realize that every single decision I've made regarding my relationships has been made because of my obsessive fear of causing (emotional) harm to the people around me. I really like this guy. and this guy really liked me. and that was fine, I had no anxiety about it, I liked spending time with him, It didn't cause me any distress at that time. At the time though, I definitely had those ROCD thoughts about if what I was feeling was real, if he REALLY liked me or if maybe he was just confused, maybe he didn't know me well enough and maybe he was only falling for an idealized version of me. I wasn't afraid of him getting to know me, but I was afraid that I couldn't return his feelings in the same capacity, or potentially leading him on and hurting him (emotionally). Queue my best friend of like 2 and a half years. She has feelings for this guy too. We all like hanging out as a friend group though, I like this guy and I like this friend. They all mean so much to me. I realize now that my anxieties were surrounding her, because I was so scared of losing her as a friend. Every time we would hang out together, if this guy showed me affection or treated me to things, she would get upset, get quiet, distance herself slightly. Which I can understand fully, I mean she likes this guy too, and feelings can't just disappear when we want them to. But every time I tried to talk to her about this situation, she would cry to me, tell me her feelings were "genuine and real." This of course, triggered even more of my thoughts that my feelings weren't real. It triggered a lot of things for me, I sought comfort in her and what I got was a lot worse, and I understand it's absolutely my choice to listen to those words and internalize those thoughts. At that point, I was aware that OCD was "on the table" between me and my therapist, but we hadn't fully established it (I told her I was afraid of getting an official diagnosis, for fear of making any possible symptoms even worse lol). And then it's her birthday party. I ignored everyone all weekend (avoidant behaviors that I am now clocking, but at the time I thought I "just needed space" ...) It was fine, we played games, drank a little, and cut cake. But the entire time, I was just thinking about how happy she looked being surrounded by her friends and enjoying her time at the party. I was already wondering in my head if maybe this guy and I weren't "right" for each other. He offered to drive me home while everyone else piled into another car, and of course my friend stayed behind. As we drove out of the venue I saw my friend, thought about her seeing the two of us alone together, and I just cried quietly. He of course noticed, asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I didn't know. I was stressed, confused, guilty, ashamed. The car ride to mine was relatively normal. But the conversation we had in the parking lot was. not very good. I rambled a lot, said a lot of things that didn't really make sense. I broke his heart and I've been carrying so much guilt about it. We've been staying friends for a while, we texted like normal, almost as if it was the same as before, but we ended up having (another) deep talk about our feelings, how we're feeling, etc., and I just stopped replying in the middle of it. In my head, I thought if I said the wrong thing, I would lose him. Ironically of course, this avoidant behavior only put more distance between us. I left him on read for like four days, and I hadn't even had the chance to talk to my therapist about it yet! And this is where I'm at right now. When he replied, it seemed short, surface level, not at all what I'm used to. And it's been causing me so much anxiety, I checked in twice to make sure he was feeling okay, I keep wondering if I should offer another apology or if that's just a compulsive behavior to "fix things." I don't even know if it's broken, I'm just worried about hurting him more and more and more. I count the hours between his replies, wondering if he's sick of me already, and I find myself in a thought cycle about whether or not he ever really liked me in the first place. It's gotten to the point that of course, I am seeking an OCD specialist, I'm considering medication because work has been impossible. I'm constantly in my own head, I keep breaking down, I've been crying non stop. And I feel like I'm fighting it completely alone. I learned my lesson trying to reach out to my closest friends about this, especially if they're directly involved. I'm usually someone who values direct communication, but I'm afraid to ask for it, considering all the times i've ran away from it at this point. like the boy who cried wolf, no one owes me their time or their emotional bandwidth to talk me through this, and on the other hand what if it's all just a big compulsion? what if literally nothing is wrong and it's all in my head? and I'm just feeling hypersensitive because I am so guilty and shameful of how I feel like I've destroyed all of the relationships around me? I just want to feel better. I want to move on with my life. It sucks.