I will never be able to forgive myself

Today I remembered something horrible and I don’t think I deserve to live because of it. The details are extremely murky, but I have a friend in a sorority who told me about something that happened to someone in a fraternity which I now know would be considered hazing. At the time, I don’t remember reacting more than the acknowledgment of the situation being bad. I don’t remember asking more questions or details which I should have. I believe this friend heard it from someone else. Now I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I potentially know about a crime and never reported it. I don’t know the person it happened to or the fraternity, or any other details clearly to be able to report. I am not in greek life at all so I don’t know anything that would help me to report. I feel like a horrible person and I’m honestly afraid to ask that friend about it again. At this point I don’t know what to do and I feel disgusted with myself. I can’t stop thinking about it and reading about hazing. I would say this is beyond OCD and actual guilt right? I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve to live. I was told about this maybe last semester and I just recalled it from memory. The fact that I’m still friends with this girl also makes me feel horrible because she never reported it either and I feel like I specifically remember her telling me to not tell anyone. But I think all of this is on me and my inability to act. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for this. I don’t think this is something I can sit with the uncertainty on.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

So it wasn't something you actually did to someone, it was something you knew about, but don't know who actually did it or any details, enough to have been able to report it before it happened or after? How could this possibly be your responsibility? Sounds like OCD. Especially the "never being able to forgive". OCD always convicts us and sentences is to capitol punishment in the most severe way. It's a thought, a memory. You're a good person because you feel horrible about what happened. Don't let it become something it's not. :-)

betterdays8

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 Thank you so much for this perspective. I really have just felt this great responsibility at this point. The panic set in and I did not know how to navigate the situation. I couldn’t stop googling hazing incidents and I just felt like some sort of bystander even though logically I don’t know any important details or the person it happened to etc.

betterdays8

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 I have also gone as far to ask the friend about the situation to figure out if they know who the fraternity was. They haven’t responded yet. If this is my OCD, how do I navigate this? I feel like if I’m told enough information I should still be reporting it.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@betterdays8 I think OCD has something to do with your response to thoughts, etc. That's what it does, it distorts and escalates our response to thoughts. However, there is something to be said about your internal moral standards that seem to make you want to be a help in an unfortunate situation. May I ask what happened? Are police involved?

betterdays8

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 This was told to me about a semester or more ago. I was never told about any police involvement etc. It was a situation where someone did something strange (humiliation maybe?). My brain is automatically assuming now that it was hazing since it involves such things and because it happened in the fraternity. I don’t even remember the exact situation because it was brought up so casually by my friend. I just remembered it recently and then I just felt very responsible for not reporting it even though I really don’t even have enough information to report it. I don’t know who it happened to, what fraternity they were in, or even where my friend got the information from.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@betterdays8 What caught my eye, and heart, was how upset you are in your original post. You feel horrible, like you're a horrible person, and you can never forgive yourself. Every time I read that in posts it grabs my heart because that's how OCD affects me. I'm experiencing freedom from it and I always want to help others, encourage them through this, because you're not a horrible person, quite the opposite actually because you're bothered just knowing something like that happened to someone. You're gifted uniquely, we all are, to be a gift to those in your life. Allow yourself grace and forgiveness. I'd actually like to know more about you as I do everyone I'm struggling with because we can help each other as we learn how OCD tricks us, and we're not alone. You're certainly not responsible for the situation, I bet you're a kind, compassionate, empathetic, caring person. And there's not enough people like that!!! 🙂

bkelp213

Date posted: 25w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

danielllll

Date posted: 19w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Mitu_001

Date posted: 9w

I cant move on

TW: Trauma , ab*se( I dont want to trigger anyone,I hope I won't) I just cant move on from a horrible mistake.When I was 16 a kid told me another kid hurt them.It was very bad.It was an abuse..and I didnt do anything.And honestly I am scared, Idk what to do right now.I want to apologise because I didnt help them..to apologise to their parents, tell them, but I am scared they will blame me( ik,I am a foul) .I am ashamed because I am scared.I could have helped the kid and I didnt.And the fact that the kid trusted me and I didnt help them is killing me.I am so sorry.I want to apologise , do something now,but it might be too late and I dont want to trigger or scare the kid.And since then I got the same ,horrible , repetitive thoughts when I see the kid: what happened, how I didn't help, how terrible it must been, especially because they trusted me.I cant stop these thoughts.Is a cycle.I am thinking that I am complice because I didn't help and that I am a criminal and should be punished.I will go to a therapist soon and Idk how to start telling them about these thoughts.I wish I can go back in time...

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I will never be able to forgive myself

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