Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

What to do

The wave of hocd has been happening for half a week now. So far I have been mixing between resisting compulsions and saying maybe maybe not but now a few things are worrying me I tried to look up gay things to see what it was and find an answer and I only felt like I identified it more And now there is part of me where it is like actually it's not so bad but there is another part of me that's like I just want to go back to how I was before this wave Idk what to do because I can't do erpe for my own reasons but I really do want to start or at least figure out if this is ocd or denial because I feel like the more I am accepting it the more I am identifying with being gay and saying I want to be straight doesn't feel good or relieving anymore and I have lost alot of attraction to men and keep fixating on the women and getting strong intrusive emotions and responses bur I don't want to do anything about it and I am just trying to carry on Someone please reply

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

I don’t wanna be gay😞 at all. My life will be ruined. I was always straight I can’t just turn gay outta nowhere. I feel the same as u I lost attraction to girls so much and it fixes onto men but I don’t wanna do anything w em and I don’t get boners on em. It’s the worst thing ever I hate it so much. It makes me think I’m accepting it when I’m not I hate it I hate it pls someone tell me how to stop

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

I know its so confusing because it over this wave its like I'm beginning to identify w me being gay and before it made me so sick and then the more I tried to figure it out the more my body and my mind is like its not that bad and then part of me is still going this doesn't feel real at all or you

IwillconcureOCD

Date posted: 1y

I can’t relate to EVERYTHING you have said, you are not alone in how you feel! Unfortunately, part of treatment is to not figure out if it’s ocd or not, resist/reduce compulsions and safety behaviours, show your ocd you can tolerate the anxiety and work on TRUSTING yourself! Ocd makes us not trust who we are, remember the you before ocd is still there, keep going, hold on!

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

I am scared that it is just me being gay because of the fact me thinking I am straight feels like I am lying to myself and being gay feels like the right choice now and idk how to take it Because there are so many factors as to why I could be anxious but I have been straight my whole life and even if I did get waves of this it wasn't bad and I could just say oh no I'm not and carry on but now it feels like I'm just turning out to be gay and part of me doesn't want that because Idk when all the attraction comes back and I don't want everything to change

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 That’s what I’m trying to do😞 on the days I’m feeling good it helps and then on the days I’m not it don’t help😞😓. I had hocd before and it went away but the time it went away it gives me thoughts like that was all fake n stuff. I hate it all why does it feel so real

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@LilPanda Remember, if u don’t like the thoughts and Tbey cause u distress then it isn’t u. But if u feel happy abt it and it’s ur desires that’s the happy u. Ik I hate the gay thoughts even if some days it’s convinced me fully. I hate it

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I just don't understand what to do. Atp I don't even have the anxiety pains and it genuinely feels like I am gay and just accepting it Because its been going on for that long and the attraction to men is very small However I have had like really bad experience with men atm which might have triggered it more but at the same time I want nothing to do with that

IwillconcureOCD

Date posted: 1y

@LilPanda Same here lovely! I was nodding my head constantly while reading this message as I can relate so much. It’s important to remember that ocd will make it feel as real as it possibly can and that it’s your reality, if it didn’t feel real, it wouldn’t be much of a pain in the butt mental health disorder. The more we go over these safety behaviours, the more real it comes. In those moments where it feels like it’s your reality I like to step back and give myself love and kindness ‘yes this feels real and feels like a reality. Everyone that has ocd has been in the same boat regardless of the subtype and many people have recovered and are no longer suffering. I deserve this chance, to go towards my values and slowly do this work to regain my confidence and self trust. I don’t know what the outcome will be and it’s terrifying, I wish I had that control, but I deserve this amazing big and beautiful life’ ❤️

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@LilPanda That’s literally me rn I hate it😭 ITS LITERALLY MEEEE

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 But bro, mine is bad😭 it says I don’t love my girlfriend anymore. I’m doing stuff which makes me feel bad because I’m trying to see what makes me hard. Nothing is. And when I get a slight erection it makes me think it’s nothing and it pains me mentally. And now it makes me think I’m in love w my bsf and it feels so real. Everytime he’s nice to me I feel like he’s moving to me and I hate these thoughts so much. We’ve been like brothers for years we’ve been through ups n downs together. I was never like this before why now why? Why when my life strted to get sorted. I have such a suppetitve girlfriend. Why does it feel so fucking real. I hate it so much😭 it goes agaisnt everurhing and feels so fucking real it’s like my attraction to girls has swapped to boys I HATW IT I WANT IT TO STOP

IwillconcureOCD

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Yes!! I totally relate to this! I identify as a straight woman and I have a boyfriend, rocd and soocd tend to go hand in hand but it’s all ocd at the end of the day. And yes, I relate to feeling nothing and also thinking I’m in love with my close friends, just another one of ocd’s tactics!

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 What if it isn’t ocd 😞? I’ve been told it is but sometimes I don’t even feel anxiety 😞 I hate it sm

IwillconcureOCD

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Maybe it is ocd, maybe it isn’t, We don’t need to know for 100% certainty! We can work on recovery doing exposures and reducing compulsions and developing self trust I what we knew prior to ocd coming in. Honestly the more we want to know if it’s ocd or not, the more we want to know if we’re gay or not - we are feeding what is ocd. I’ve had this obsession for over a decade and trying to figure it out has brought me no closer to the answer!

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 I jus wanna go back to the old me. I’m scared of the exposure cuz Wha if it turns me gay I don’t like anything like that. I overcame this before but this time it’s so much Worser. Idk what’s goin on im so down sometimes. Sometimes I don’t feel anxiety and it scares me. I jus wanna live my life happily with my girl but now I’m scared Wha if I can’t get it up w her wha she ll think.

IwillconcureOCD

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I know, I get that 😞honestly I do! We have 2 choices 1) remain stuck where we are or 2) take a courageous step and face our fears ❤️you can do this!

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 But why does it feel so real😞 like I don’t love my girl at all. I don’t even get erections anymore and it feels like my attraction is gone. Sometimes I feel less anxious and it kills me. I try remember who I was before this ocd kicked in and then it somewhat helps but then it kills itnall

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

@Embraceuncertainty2022 Thank you so much. I have genuinely been sat all day trying not to compulse and I am beginning to realise how easy it is to fall back into ocd but how difficult it is to pull myself back out. What I am going through rn doesn't feel like me trying to find myself it's like me losing myself and its terrifying

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Ikr why is it so real😭😭

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Ocd always tries to convince you with people you are close to! For me it's my best friend she is literally like a sister to me and all of a sudden OCD fixated and all these emotions came suddenly after I got triggered by a TV show its really annoying! I keep going tho because I am really trying not to focus on those parts of me because I know they aren't me

Anonymous246

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I totally relate to this! Like you feel like in a way your fine with accepting it but when you do you just feel, well, really numb and not happy about it. It almost feels like you don't have a choice. Am I right?

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@LilPanda Exactly that numb feeling. It’s the worst. Sometimes u have a good day but ur styll numb it’s honestly the worst thing ever.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I’ve had this for a long time it’s so hard. Lately I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and I’m analysing every thought I have. Just know you’re not alone and ground yourself when you feel your mind is spiralling

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

What is happ...

Date posted: 16w

Questions… I don’t want reassurance just advice

I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.

Sexual Orientation OCD

youllwintheb...

Date posted: 7w

hocd

I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(

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