❗️ I don‘t know what is true anymore. Some say sexuality fluid and some say sexuality isn’t fluid. I googled it and some studies believe that. That triggered my HOCD. I also read that „Sexual Fluidity“ is actually also an orientation. I‘m really irritated, there are so much names and orientations, so much other opinion. If sexuality is really fluid I don‘t know what to do anymore.

i just has a thought that i would like to share... i think that a lot of teens could be going through HOCD in this day and age because there is so much about the LGBTQ community in the media (not like that’s a bad thing btw) back in the day, like maybe the 90s, HOCD was categorised as “fear of being gay” not “fear of being bi” i think a lot of us teens have a fear of being bi because that is seen as a valid sexuality but back in the day i don’t think it was. it was either all or nothing. being gay used to be seen as such a taboo so back then if you were to tell anyone you were getting intrusive thoughts about being gay it would be seen as ghastly and horrible. but now you tell someone who doesn’t get the nature of Pure O and they’d say “oMg iTs 2020 aCcEpT yOuRsElF, gEt WiTh ThE tImEs” which makes it harder for us teens to get through this. i also had a thought that depending on whether you’re a girl or guy, HOCD is difficult in different ways most straight girls watch lesbian porn cus it focuses on female pleasure - HOCD manipulates that i’ve seen tweets saying shit like “how are women even straight have you see a woman naked?” - like sis....really? i’ve seen articles saying women are never straight either bi or lesbian- ....anyways.... - being a straight girl going through HOCD, seeing all that is difficult and not only this but HOCD is focused heavily on straight men and it really pisses me off. all the books i’ve real on HOCD all talk about men specifically and their groinal responses and it’s like...what about me? for guys: the groinal response is more noticeable that’s the biggest struggle i could think of for guys since i don’t know what you guys go through exactly i’ve been told by people that i give of a bisexual vibe because i’m quirky....i literally don’t even know at this point, i could breathe and someone would be like “oMg YoUrE sO bIsExUaL” (ง'̀-'́)ง i kinda want HOCD to be spoken about more cus i feel like it’s one of those OCD subcategories that aren’t really deemed as that important since being gay isn’t a taboo anymore. i feel this way too with ROCD these have just been my thoughts, agree or not idc i just wanted to express my feelings ( ˘ ³˘)♥

I had Tocd and now it has turned into HOCD. But this HOCD is…complicated? I’m Asexual Panromantic, so i love everyone. However, OCD has been telling me i’m actually a lesbian and that my attraction to men/anyone who identifies as a man is false and i’d be happier with a woman. The thing is, I always leaned on men. Like i prefered men. But i didn’t mind women. But i was more of a men type of pansexual. I was always certain on my sexuality, but now it keeps telling me i’m a lesbian and that i should stop loving men but i know i’m not a lesbian…? Idk this just feels like denial but i know it’s OCD up to it’s tricks. It’s just annoying.

I do not know what to do anymore. I spiralled again down with my OCD theme and I cannot get out. It is the fear of being bisexual. I am so low at the moment that I have become so hopeless and weary that I cannot discern reality from my thoughts. When I get intrusive thoughts it feels real and the worst part is that I am not even confident anymore that this are intrusive thoughts. I am constantly repeating “I am straight/heterosexual.“ but I always get a certain feeling of tightness inside my chest that I cannot explain. I got with the past theme of HOCD but I did not pay any attention to it. But now it feels too real and my fear that I might be in denial is huge. OCD has put so much pressure on me that I now truly believe that I know something about my sexuality and I do not want to acknowledge it. My thoughts scream at me ”Lies, liar, you know!, I know I am in denial“ and then there is this feeling that makes me feel bisexual. The worst part is that my depression increases my anguish. I also get a lot of false attraction. I always knew I liked the opposite gender and I always had crushes on them. I had even crushes on fictional characters. But my thoughts invalidate this fact. They make me anxiously thinking if I had also crushes or feelings for the same sex and it distorts my past. I almost forgot who I am and for what I fought for. I fought for being heterosexual, for gaining it back and then defending it. Now it feels like fighting for a cause that I do not want to fight for. It feels like something is forcing me to think these things, to view everything in this light and to doubt everything. I am thinking about this theme every minute of my life. I am ruminating a lot and searching all the websites for answers. I am also looking for the difference between denial and HOCD. I used to have a lot of insight into my condition. Now I have nothing. I feel numb. The thought of being with the same sex repulses me and it always did since I have suffered from HOCD. I never had any desires to be with them. I developed even some tics like showing fear, disgust or anger towards my thoughts or clenching my fists. This theme makes me feel that I have discovered something and HOCD was something that has not existed.