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someone pls help. i’ve been dealing with pocd for two months now. it’s very exhausting and is feeling more and more real. it started with images, then a fear of searching something bad and now it’s merged. my brain is telling me to search cp or images so i can prove i’m not a p. what do i do??? i know i’m not and that i don’t want to but sometimes it feels like i want to so i can prove i’m not and stop this feeling. i feel like it’s only a matter of time till i do it, i’ve lost all my emotions and don’t know how to deal with this anymore. this isn’t who i am at all though.

Dreamer2343

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m on my 8th or 9th month with POCD and it’s the only one that sticks around, goes away, and comes back when I have an occasional thought with sexual content relating to it. I wish I didn’t have them and it has also made me feel like I like them and want them, but it’s okay. The moment I have it, it starts to pass a bit quicker now. It does get better. It doesn’t go away fully and it sucks, but it really does get better.

kd88

Date posted: 1y ago

@Dreamer2343 I used to freak myself out with the whole “omg what if I like them and I want them” that thought in itself would drive me nuts! My heart would race and I would sweat cold. It made me feel so sick as a human and just not who I am, as if there was another side of me. Ugh it really is a hard one to deal with especially when u have children. I have two and my main one was my daughter when she was little I had it really bad and struggled so much to the point where I almost didn’t even want to come near her because ocd told me I was going to harm her.😕 it was awful

4Thorne

Date posted: 1y ago

I think you’re very brave and that the fact you’re repulsed by this, and care so much means in and of itself you’re not who you fear being.

LJP05

Date posted: 1y ago

I have been dealing with this theme for about 4 years and I’ve been in the exact same spot as you and completely understand how distressing it is Even if you did search for that to “prove” to yourself that you’re not it probably wouldn’t work because OCD doesn’t work off logic and it would probably just increase your intrusive thoughts due to the nature of the content The way I personally dealt with this was by repeating “I’m going to search it now” and then just continuing with my day and now whenever I get thoughts along that line I can easily brush it off As you’ve said, this isn’t you at all - so listening to OCD and doing all these compulsions is just furthering the worry that you’re who you’re not - which from what I can tell from your post is someone who cares about the well being of children If you have any other questions I’m willing to help, and I hope you start feeling less worried soon as this *is* literally mental torture that you’re going through! Hang in there ☺️👍

kd88

Date posted: 1y ago

@LJP05 It is crazy to me to see how this affects so many of us. My ocd started o this exact same theme. It got really bad when I had my first child, I was so afraid I was going to sexually harm her and I didn’t even want to come near her. I would cry day in and day out. I felt like I was only a matter of time Before I a tu acted on the intrusive thoughts. I honestly had to get on medication and I have to say it made me feel so much better. It brought me back to reality. I still have ocd and now my daughter is 7 going on 8. I still get anxious and at times idk how to stop my mind or shutting it off. I can tell u that we are not our thoughts even tho ocd tried to torture us with it. How do u deal with it now? Did u ever take meds or do I feel just with therapy it helped?

LJP05

Date posted: 1y ago

@kd88 I’ve personally not tried medication yet, but I’m going to start taking Prozac in the next couple of weeks just to see if it would help further in stopping obsessive loops and with general stuff like social anxiety and depression I’ve only been to therapy really and I do believe a lot of what I’ve learnt there is helpful but I’ve also had to do alot of just general research to see what works well when it comes to my OCD, and alot of it comes down to staying busy and just doing things scared! I also do take supplements which I feel make me feel better (I personally take NAC and Vitamin B12 supplements because I read that they *could* maybe help with OCD symptoms) and even if it’s just placebo it still makes me feel a bit better I think that it’s also helpful to have a list of things to do when you get into an anxious mindset too, things that normally draw you in - like watching a movie or listening to a playlist or something, I personally listen to musicals because I think the storylines and music is more important to listen to then my thoughts 😆

kd88

Date posted: 1y ago

@LJP05 How did u manage to stop the mental rumination?

Kay_buni

Date posted: 22w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

King silly

Date posted: 15w ago

Bad again

Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard

POCD

nae nae

Date posted: 13w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

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