My heart is shattered, I’m in pieces

@Anonymo12 It doesn’t even feel like ocd anymore. I’d be straight too no doubt about it but It feels like this is me and I’m just uncovering it all. After seeing what those women said about comphet, and the fact that I can’t remember how exactly I felt with men in the past, it feels like that proves it. I don’t feel joy or comfort imagining myself with the same sex, but that seems more within reach than the opposite sex now. I’m so tired of this I just wanna go back to being happy with my boyfriend

@Right.on Ik how u feel. Pls don’t give up. U read into things like I did. I’ve lost my past memory too. It makes me think I loved all my girlfriends as bsfs only. But I clearly remember I wanted to marry em but it doubts that too😂. I pray everyday that I marry a girl if I was gay would I rlly pray that?? This isn’t reassuring but u got this! We all do. Mine has got me so severe that I can’t even think sbt being straight nor can I call myself straight anymore. It’s gotten bad bad

@Anonymo12 I’m really hoping this isn’t who I am because I remember I was SO fulfilled in my relationship before this, or at least I think I was, and I wanted to get a place with him and wanted to marry him, have kids but now thinking about that feels wrong. I can’t call myself straight either and it truly feels like I’m that 1% that finds out they’re actually gay after hocd goes away. Ugh. How did we get here

@Right.on I’ve been told nonone finds out they are gay after soocd. That’s because it’s OCD FOR A REASON. Ppl who say this are truly delusional. I don’t believe it at all. I beat soocd once and it went away for me to be happy. If it went away once why would it turn me gay the next time. Ik what I am even if it says I ain’t. I have faith in god and ik he will help me in these times. This isn’t you. Trust me. Ocd is giving me such bad thoughts that I can’t cope anymore. But I have a reason to live. I’ve realised thinking sbr the future jus feeds the ocd because all it says to me is “ u ll be gay by then” but then there’s some days I can fight it off and be happy be myself again

@Anonymo12 I can relate to the part where you said some days you can be yourself again, I have moments where I feel normal again. But then it comes right back… should I tell my boyfriend about the hocd? He knows I have ROCD but I’m scared to tell him about this. I don’t think he’ll understand and he doesn’t deserve to be scared over something that I don’t even understand

@Right.on I was scared to tell my girlfriend at the time. And I overcame that fear and told her. She was very understanding and researched abt soocd and rocd. I had them both. She said ik it’s not real even if u don’t believe it. And that rlly helped me. But then we broke up for other reasons. And now I’m battling A lot. Maybe u ll get more help if u told him. Maybe u both can be a team and fight it together. Maybe ur thoughts will vanish some day and u ll be so happy, that’s what we all want right?

@Anonymo12 I’m terrified to tell him though, when I got ROCD first, I didn’t know what it was, it just felt like something was wrong and I got urges and urges to break up with him and so I did. We got back together a little later and I explained what I was feeling, later realized it was rocd, but I hurt him already, it took a little bit for that to go away but it did and I don’t want this to make him think it means we should actually break up this time

@Right.on Soocd is the worst. Remember it’s ocd at the end of the day not real. U got this. U ll be so relived at the end n so will I. Have faith

@Anonymo12 Your right. I just have to keep reminding myself that. Thank you for talking to me, I needed to vent really badly

@Right.on We both have read too far into things that ocd will play on that now. It’s a question to ask Isnt it. If I didn’t read that would my mind be latched on it? Or if I didn’t know abt hocd or soocd or ocd at all would I obsess over these thoughts as much. Maybe if being gay or ppl turning gay didn’t exist we wouldn’t think of it at all! There’s jus so much going on around us that makes us question alor. I know ppl who questioned their sexualiry and they didn’t obsess over it at all LJKE we did. So yes I can’t wait till the day I beat soocd again

@Anonymousesti They were explaining how with men they felt anxious, uncomfortable, detached, and a few other things I can’t remember on dates, before, or after. That during sex they would disassociate with their bodies and wouldn’t realize it. A majority of them confused a friendship for a romantic relationship. How they felt that on dates with men it felt more like putting on a show rather than wanting to be genuine. Not feeling excited when they would see their boyfriend on dates. The part for me that had me stressing hard was the part where they said they felt anxious/uncomfortable/not excited to be out with men. Due to my false memory and not being able to recall correctly because of the ocd, I can’t remember if I was truly happy or excited to be dating men in the past. Or with my current boyfriend if I’m truly happy being with him or I’m just confusing a friendship for romance. I’m trying not to let their words influence me, cause this wasn’t how I felt about men before, but it’s really hard

@Right.on - I’m gonna try not to give you reassurance. How long have you been with your bf? I used to have the same fears as you and I still do have them. When I talked to my therapist about them, she always used to tell me maybe yes maybe no but you know what? No one can fake it that long without anyone realising it and more specifically the person you’re with. + the part about friendship and romance stresses me a lot still, I made a post about it like a week ago. I try to ground myself when i’m feeling that, remember that whatever it is I like it and if/when its not gonna be enough anymore we’ll see what to do. But today I’m okay with that. And my parents always used to tell me that after the honeymoon phase the relationship is a lot about friendship. Anyways hopes this help! And plz remember that you’re not alone. For example, I just woke up with the biggest urge to break up with my bf because “ i dont love him and this is not real love because I can’t feel it”. We all go through different emotions we just have to sit with it.

@Anonymousesti I’ve been with him 3 years, I guess I fear that I’m realizing it myself. I learned too that the honeymoon phase ends and the next part is the commitment, that part usually comes around year 2-3 I heard. I’m trying my best to sit with the uncertainty but it’s hard when being with my boyfriend doesn’t emotionally feel the same as it used to. I still do love him, I know my body feels comfortable and safe with him, it’s just that minds reaction to the ocd, the tenseness and anxiety is what makes me scared and doubt. I see my therapist next week and we’re going to start erp so I hope it helps w all this

@Right.on - Is this your first time have soocd? If not when did these thoughts start? You said it youself its the anxiousness from the OCD that makes you doubt!

@Anonymousesti It is my first time, I had rocd first which developed into hocd, that started late June. I think it started because at the time my boyfriend and I were losing our intamicy. Yeah before that everything was perfect

@Right.on - Okk! I think that erp will do you a lot of good.