Urgent Worry

I'm scared, i thought and i realized something. I used to have homophobic ideas for which i feel incredibly bad, and for which i feel a lot of guilt, as i improved mentally i had an easier time changing my mind and obviously i no longer have ideas like that. I'm now respectful, i even sometimes doubt if i am actually bisexual; The thing is, I'm afraid that i actually have internalized homophobia, when i see a homosexual couple i don't feel disgust, but it stands out in my mind, it is not the same feeling as seeing a heterosexual couple, that is worrying me a lot, it's not a negative feeling except when i have intrusive thoughts about it, but it's a feeling of a bit of surprise, i do not act under that feeling, even though my family is quite homophobic i never try to disrespect or make someone feel surprising (homosexual, trans, or non-binary person), but i have guilt for feeling that surprise when seeing or knowing that. I know that's weird, because it should feel the same as seeing a straight couple, and it's supposed to be normalized to that point, i'm scared that i actually still have homophobic or terrible ideas, that i am a terrible person in denial and that only because of my obsessions or my fears of being rejected my morals changed, i am afraid of being someone horrible inside without realizing it

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

This sounds like OCD. I think what always matters is whether your actions are true to your beliefs. Thoughts that pop into your head are interesting but not under your control

mononono_

Date posted: 1y

What worries me the most is that the feeling of surprise doesn't feel like OCD, it doesn't happen only with this topic, when i see a person on crutches, a person with vitiligo, albino, or even a person with green eyes, i don't think anything bad unless they are intrusive thoughts, but i feel something, or surprise, not in a negative way, of course sexuality is about THE IDENTITY OF A PERSON and not physical, but it happens to me with something that i am not used to seeing, and not as rejection, but something is a little surprising in which i do not act and on the contrary, i purposely do something to compensate and cancel out that feeling. But i'm really afraid that it's internalized homophobia.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@mononono_ It is tough but I think the ERP response would be "eh maybe I am somewhat homophobic and maybe I am not" so that your mind doesn't keep analyzing every single response.

mononono_

Date posted: 1y

@OCDFamily I see, ty for your response! I'm not diagnosed with OCD, but i heavily suspect it, even if i'm not diagnosed maybe it's worth trying this until i assist therapy and until i tell my therapist about this

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

mononono_

Date posted: 1y

Tysm! I really had shitty ideas, and honestly i am afraid of having unconsciously homophobic ideas. I'm also afraid that it's not OCD and i'm making excuses, but your comment comforts me, thank you very much. ❤️

adtappsy

Date posted: 1y

Nobody can prove that you aren’t homophobic, including you. There’s no way to prove that you “aren’t” something. Posting this is confessing and reassurance-seeking, which are both OCD compulsions and that’s going to make you notice the surprise feeling more and then post again asking for more reassurance and suddenly you’re stuck in the cycle again. Maybe you are homophobic and maybe you’re not, but there is no such thing as a thought crime. You’re expressing thought/action fusion where you feel guilt from having thoughts as if you did the thing just because you thought it. This is a cognitive distortion. Rather than asking people if you are homophobic, try accepting and embracing your homophobia. In private, obviously. You don’t want to actually hurt or upset anyone, but in private, accept that you truly hate gay people, that you think they are wrong/bad etc. People say to accept the uncertainty, but it can actually be really helpful to not just embrace the uncertainty, but to embrace the certainty that you are everything you fear you are. Obviously, logically you aren’t, but that doesn’t matter, since OCD is using emotion and it will beat your logic. So, don’t fight. Accept your internalized homophobia and what it says about you and how it hurts others and how it makes you a bad person, etc. It feels counter-intuitive, but if you can get to a place where you accept yourself as a bad person who hates the gays, not only will it stop scaring you, but you’ll realize you aren’t homophobic. Cuz if you were really homophobic, you wouldn’t be tying yourself up into knots about it. You can know this on a logical level, but it doesn’t change that you’re still afraid that you’re wrong. The cure for this is to embrace that you are wrong. That you actually are homophobic and really tease out what that means and the impact it would have on your life and the lives of the people around you.

mononono_

Date posted: 1y

Wow, that's an interesting perspective, tysm for your comment. It's really hard, because i noticed how i often don't feel excited about homosexual couples as i do often with straight couples, my mind begins to bring up things, even sensations and not actions, like the time "i felt uncomfortable knowing that a character who was in love with another was initially planned as the opposite gender", or the fact that normally even though i felt confusion or surprise, i also felt arousal, and that made me worry about if in reality i fetizhised homosexual couples. That you mentioned a cognitive distortion is interesting, my therapist said i have a big one that is destroying me completely, he doesn't directly tell me, but now i realized he was referring to "heaven's reward" fallacy, are cognitive distortions closely linked to OCD? I think at this point my therapist probably already knows or suspects that i developed obsessions.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Dr Reid Wilson has videos on YouTube that also help

user74128588493

Date posted: 16w

hocd and scared it’s internalized homophobia

I’ve been struggling with HOCD for years, and it started with an intrusive thought about being gay when I was younger. It came up at age 12 and ever since, I’ve been trapped in a cycle of doubt and anxiety. I obsess over whether or not I’m secretly gay, even though I don’t feel that way at all. What makes it worse is the fear that I might have internalized homophobia, and that’s why I’m having these obsessive thoughts. I worry that my anxiety is a sign that I’m repressing something or rejecting part of myself. It feels like my mind keeps repeating the same question—am I gay?—and no matter how much reassurance I get, the fear doesn’t go away. I used to pray for my family members, fearing that if I didn’t, something bad would happen to them, and now it feels like I have to control these thoughts, or something will go wrong. For a while, it was quieter, but a week ago, the thoughts spiraled up again, and now the anxiety feels overwhelming again. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to break free from this constant loop of doubt. Has anyone dealt with the fear of internalized homophobia alongside HOCD? How do you manage the anxiety that comes with it?

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Religious OCD/ Mean thoughts about sexuality

Hi everyone, I was sitting thinking about my ex texting me.. we are truly friends and haven’t thought about anything more between us.. but I was fantasizing about what he might be texting me about. I was thinking “oh maybe he is going to text me and say that he is still in love with me… or since he is bi-sexual, maybe he is going to tell me that he has HIV..” I immediately felt horrible because that is a stereotype about the gay community that is completely false and it was a horrible thing to think… I tried to say “that was a horrible thought to have and you have never had a thought like that before, just don’t do it again.” But I am so ashamed and my OCD is telling me that the bad guys is going to get me… can someone please assure me that I am not a terrible person? I know that we shouldn’t be seeking reassurance but I am struggling

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4w

Curious + Rant

I was wondering if this also happened to anyone. I grew up very open-minded and allowed myself to question my sexuality when I was younger. I explored feelings for both genders and attraction to them from afar, because I didn't have any friends or experiences to guide me through them. When I started dating, I was open to both but slowly and surely naturally phased out women. It always felt performative, like pretending to be upset they didn't respond, choosing who to be attracted to, and while present with them, wanting to back away or feeling a level of discomfort. When my SO-OCD started, these experiences made it very difficult to navigate the anxieties and intrusive thoughts. My thoughts often circled back to the idea that if I wasn't attracted to women, I wouldn't have tried to in the first place. This type of thought is like a Catch-22. On one hand, I am surveying my past actions or memories for any signs of true attraction or trying to pick at moments where I could prove that I was actually uncomfortable. On the other hand, the thought of being uncomfortable with a moment is tainted in my brain because of the idea that I could just be in denial. Any emotion I've ever had gets scrutinized in hindsight, making it feel like any way in which I feel is wrong. SO-OCD has been particularly difficult because of the fact that I've never been pejorative towards being queer or the LGBTQ+ community. It goes against my own values whether or not I am actually queer or actually straight. I remember growing up in an environment (whether school, family, or friends) that was always lined with prejudice towards any type of outsider - OCD makes me feel ashamed for my own want to understand any group or background different from my own. Essentially, I wanted to know if that's also something that plagues others with SO-OCD. For me, no matter what side of the fence I fall on my OCD rewrites it as bad: Either I'm in denial and lying to everyone even though they already secretly know, or I'm a homophobe. Sometimes they even mix. It doesn't make any sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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