- Date posted
- 1y
I definitely have implicit racism.
Yesterday i was checking my gallery, and i stumbled across an ai generated picture of a character i created, the ai pictured him with than skin and white hair. I felt like i didn't like the picture, and my mind obviously started (these are hard days, my obsessions don't stop): "YOU DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE RACIST, YOU DON'T LIKE THE SKIN TONE", and i tried to fight this thought with: "Maybe you didn't like it because of the art style?", and the second one came in: "Maybe you don't like it because the hair color doesn't match with the skin tone?" The worst thing is that i kinda found logic in this second one, i felt like i kinda agreed, but moments after i thought: "That's not racist too? I CATEGORIZED HAIR COLOR BY SKIN TONE", i kinda spiriled into thoughts that only made my fear of being unconsciously racist becoming bigger, I LITERALLY send an audio to my boyfriend of a thought: "Right now i can't think of a hair color that doesn't match white skin", moments after i deleted the audio and i thinked: "Wow, that's so much WORSE, that's racist", but i had that thought because, when i was imagining a person with brown skin tone for checking, I IMAGINED A NON-ATRACTIVE PERSON FOR MY STANDARDS, and i spiriled so much worse: "Oh, no, I DON'T LIKE BROWN SKIN AND DIFFERENT FEATURES OF THE EUROPEAN ONES?!", The fact that i imagined an "ugly" person by my standards with the premise of "brown skin" killed me, and the rest of the day i was thought-checking trying to imagine that unattractive person with white skin to find out if i find it unattractive with another skin tone. In the night i continued with the obsession, and i tried to create a story in my head of an african woman in past times empowering and becoming a philosopher, or something like that. You guess it, that only made it WORSE, my thoughts and imagination went horrible and i imagined the worst stereotypical thing; TRIBES. I was imagining with native americans too, but i hate myself, because i was doubting: "Wait, how are the white skinned natives?" moments later i thinked of vikings and i just felt worse. I fell asleep, and i woke up with thoughts caming in, and even WORSE and hate thoughts, the thing that makes me feel more shameful is that the worst thoughts i inmediatly turn them off somehow and I repudiate them immediately, but the others i kinda tried to find them logic or deep inside me i thought: "Maybe they are not as bad", but i don't know, i'm afraid of having implicit racism and prefering white skin over brown skin, but in a pretty bad way, this is honestly hell