Sorry in advance for long this post is going to be but I need to get it out because I can’t stop crying and I don’t know if it’s triggering or not but I’m gonna put the warning just incase. I already know today is going to be the worst. I woke up multiple times in the night last night and even half-asleep my head was just constantly racing. I wasn’t even anxious I was just lying there wishing it would shut up. But the worst part of it is the lack of anxiety. It sounds so paradoxical but I WANT the anxiety and the panic because then I know something is wrong. At least if I’m anxious, I can do something to make me feel okay again. Anything is better than this weird, empty hollow feeling I have because no compulsion is going to help me. There’s no anxiety there to relieve it’s just complete nothingness. And I know I’ve said this before and everyone says it but that whole problem makes me think this can’t be OCD, there’s absolutely no way. As for the sexuality thoughts, I feel pretty much done. I am sick to death of thinking about sex and attraction all the time. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to see another man or another woman ever again right now. Saying this scares me because I read other SOOCD posts and nobody ever seems to say it but I’m going to say it now even though I’m at risk of someone telling me it’s not OCD - I have no interest in the opposite sex anymore. I just don’t. In fact the idea of boys petrifies me now and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I know I used to fantasise and have celebrity crushes (even though I literally can’t remember what it felt like anymore) but it doesn’t happen anymore. Even though literally yesterday I walked past a man who smelt nice and smiled to myself because I remembered how attractive a nice smell is for a man. I literally want to be alone for the rest of my life because of this. I want to be by myself forever now. I’m 20 years old and I literally feel broken beyond repair. Sorry to go on for so long but the last thing I feel is that I literally don’t know who I am. I don’t know if this is derealisation or depersonalisation, I don’t know but I don’t feel connected to my body, I feel like my voice isn’t mine, the person in the mirror isn’t me. I absolutely sob when I think of the fact that other people have their own perceptions of me. Because of this I cut myself off from everyone except my closest friends, removed all pictures from social media, unfollowed 90% of people and removed them from following me and I hate going outside simply for the fact that other people will see me and may think things about me. The way I see things now is that my home is my only safe place. I kind of want to delete all this because I feel so stupid and selfish and like everyone’s gonna roll their eyes but I’m just scared and just wanted to talk I suppose.

MentalHelp

Date posted: 6y

Hey you are not alone, I‘m also 20 years old and HOCD also took my attraction to boys... I miss this feeling of attraction so much, really... sometimes it feels so forced! I‘m so anxious about my future because my dream was to spent my life with a man and children, with a family. Don‘t feel stupid, really, I feel exactly the same! Some weeks ago I drove with my car to an empty area just to cry my eyes out. I cried so much believe me, because HOCD feels like hell. Some people say that attraction will come back and I hope that so much. Bur now I want to tell you something I told myself: Focus on yourself. I know it‘s hard that HOCD took our attraction but the best thing we can do is to spend time with ourselves. Do something. Go for a walk while raining, read a book, watch your favorite series, write about your problem (as you did here), exercise and cry when you feel like it. I know exactly how you feel because I feel really the same. Be proud of yourself for writing that and talking about you problem because it’s not easy. I wish you all the best!!! You are not alone, remember that

quentin

Date posted: 6y

Hey we all feel like that. I don’t want to have any sexual thought about anyone or anything anymore. I’m just truly trying to take this time and rediscover myself. The true me will pop up. Hopefully. But just to solace in the fact that you’re not alone. This sucks

Ocdsuxs

Date posted: 6y

Hi can we be friends cause I struggle with the same thing and I relate and I have no friends who deal with this. It would be nice to have a support team also I’m 19 and I feel you

b13

Date posted: 6y

Thank you so much. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.

b13

Date posted: 6y

Thank you so much! It’s nice to hear from someone like me, same age and stuff. Where abouts are you from?

b13

Date posted: 6y

Oh cool, the UK!

MentalHelp

Date posted: 6y

It‘s really cool to see how we support each other all around the world! ✨?

b13

Date posted: 6y

Of course we can! The more people who can relate the better!

MentalHelp

Date posted: 6y

I’m from Germany and you?

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