i think i went insane

... Recently im feeling very deoressed its about a month and something ... cause after four years i went back to the theme of pocd cause it was here the whole time but i just ignored it ... but now my boyfriends mother was talking about having grandkids and i always knew i will not have kids .. cause i lost all my relationship to them through so many years of thinking like this .. also my boyfriend has no clue i have this thoughts and images and gronials ... but now it just went so down .... i told my mom im getting bad and it was like rapid .... she made me an appointment at psychiatrist so i need to talk all the story again .. but its so long story around 10 years .. i was never diagnosed .. i was in psychiatrist at my first depressive episode and after one test they thought i have schizoaffective disorder.. i was upset about it cause we didnt discuss the theme about me having this gronials near my sister for example .. i was also telling them about all the compulsions i was doing ... but im from slovakia and my psychiatrist told me i know more about ocd than him probably .. so i stopped with all of that and was trying to pull myself from hard depression and this and just ignoring the thoughts and move with the day and so on .. but i also was avoiding children as much as possible i became like crazy i could hear just a voice of a child and i was immediatly feeling groins and it was really hard .. but then i get really better .. but i had a knew thing to think about it was about my friend i was feeling jealous of and then she had some behaviours i didnt like .. and told me some things .. i started to think about her .. because i loved all my friends accept of her and this was a theme for me around years i never told her this bad feelings about her .. only now after for years and she told me she never knew and she loves me .. and i was like im afraid i will feel like this also after we talk .. cause i was comparing to her for four years and it also became true we had some argument where she was like she has a lot more problems than me ( because both of her parents died it was longer time ago) and she never knew about my depression about my pocd and she dont know still .. and i was feeling really angry about it cause i went through a lot of hard depressive moments and so on .. i came to the point thinikg like this might be worse than loosing parents and then became like no i dont wanna lose parents .. and i was like questioning because when you loose someone it was always like worst thing .. but when you loose yourself and your mental helath its a torture .. and i went back to psychiatry i stopped my life im just lying in bed all days when im in work im not talking to anyone , i lost interest im my family, im my friends.. and also thinking like i loved them so much just because i had someone else to hate .. so wanted to show her i have diffenert friends ... and i came to point where i relapsed like with pocd or whaterev it is .. i went like i domt care im pedo .. and when i was lying down in bed and get groins i was like im done cause this was a nightmare to me to thinking about this .. i wanted to tell my boyfriend about all of it ... but then i started to thinking like what i am starting to thinikng about my obsessions and maling this thoughts in my had like imaging myself with a kid .. and one thought made feel like this is the end cause i let myself to like let this image in my head continue and like let it happend in my mind with like when you are wathing some porn .. after that i had also like this thought with a dog and let my vagina like not fighting it ? i also imagined my brothers 5 months old son like having him sitting between my legs and let myself to imagine like to made a sexual move with this groin .. and another thoughts im my head to just let it ... and after i had this thoughts i had them like for so many times trought this week like .. im repeating them in my head and i dont even know how they hapoend ... i think like i was fighting it before .. but know i think like i cant even move on ... because this is what im lettimg happening .. i also feel like im just in my head for a month not even thining about reality .. i felt like i have schizophrenia .. and i also start talking in my head like this like i see a boy and my mind goes like "butt" then we come with my boyfriend from work .. at the same time as my mum and my sister .. and when he is like " look your sister and your mom" my mind is like " my sister i fuck in my head whole life" ( because i had most of my pocd around her for 10 years) or i see a woman and my mind just goes like "boobs" ... like im talking to myself like a psycho .. and tgen in reality im crying , lying in my bed , everyone knows me different but i dont know eho i am anymore .. im talking to myself like this is who i am ( also my mind went like surprise motherfuckers in context to telling everybody what is going on ) ..... im seeing myslef just closed at psychward .. couse i feel like i completely lost my mind

Diana 24

Date posted: 1y

and repeating them in my head but i dont even know ... i know i was telling myself in some moments like i want this and i am this ... and it was like true ...... in that moment ..

Anonymous6482

Date posted: 1y

This is all ocd. Ocd warps your mind. It can make you think awful things and even feel or have urges. But all of it is intrusive. It’s unwanted. And when your ocd tells you what if you do want it. You wouldint be freaking out like this over it. Pedophiles don’t freak out over being a pedophile. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant if you think about the pink elephant your a bad person. Oh there’s an elephant don’t think about the pink one. Your gonna think about it. Because you have made yourself scared of the thoughts. And put meaning to them. That’s why you have them over and over and over again. I’ve come a little ways. But I’ve had the same problems as you. And the less you respond to it the less the thoughts pop up. The goal is for them not to bother you. Your not any of these awful things you think you are. Ocd tricks the mind. You don’t want these things. But you’ve thought about it and struggled with it so long your head thinks you do. You wouldint be in so much hurt if tou acrually wanted these things.

please44I

Date posted: 16w

Pocd

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

dia!!

Date posted: 15w

im afraid i've lost her bc of my ocd

im not diagnosed but for the past five years i've been seeing A LOT of ocd symptoms in myself. i kinda accepted that i might have it and learning about people's experiences helped me a lot. i was in a really bad place when i was 16 but at some point i got better (so i thought) I've lost one relationship and i healed from loosing it and then i fell in love again. we we're together for a year and six months. i was really happy for most of the time but unfortunately we we're both not really stable mentally and we both had some mental issues. i helped my girlfriend and i supported her the best i could. she managed to move in in my city and we started living together november. at first it still was her who had a lot of issues (probably depression and being very suicidal) i was struggling and i was really stressed but i tried my best to help. i think eventually she got better in january everything was happening all at once. i've lost my job and we had to move out to a different apartment and in the same time she gained new friends at work. earlier my ocd was showing up occasionally but since that time i think it got kinda worse. i have very low self esteem and when my girlfriend got really close with one girl in her work i started feeling uneasy. i never wanted to be a jelous and controlling girlfriend but my head was constantly telling me "she's will get bored of you bc of her new friend" "she's starting to care more about her than you" and it was unbearable. we talked about it few times and she tried to reassure me but at some point i saw she's not feeling good about my self doubt and being jelous. months passed and everything was getting worse. she become more and more distant, she stopped showing me any affection, she stopped asking me on a dates, she stopped flirting and even on my birthday i had to please her to stop texting someone and focus on a movie we were watching. and now two days ago she broke up with me. few days earlier we had a serious talk and she told me she doesn't feel like doing anything romantic with me anymore and when i asked why she told me she thinks she got tired of me. i asked her what about me makes her tired and she told me "it's because you can't do and cope with anything" or smth like that (its hard to translate it to English). and i understand that it could be tiring bc i was doing bad mentally and i asked for reassurance a lot even tho i knew it's my compulsion and even tho i told her i will try not to. i am also a very anxious person and i was really stressed aboud my new job and money and a lot of things and all of it made her tired. i feel so guilty that i couldn't try harder. i feel so guilty for not noticing I'm actually loosing her earlier. or maybe i actually was noticing it by being scared when she started to be mkre excited to spend time with her friend rather than me? i don't know i just feel so bad bc i still love her and i don't know if I can't stop bit i already asked her few times if she's sure that this is what she wants and i told her i will try harder and i booked a visit with a psychiatrist but she told me she's too tired to try. im scared she's also struggling mentally. i don't really know what i even want to hear from you guys i just really want to disappear bc i can't stop blaming myself for loosing my soulmate and the best person in the entire world, the most beautiful, funny and sweet person. she doesn't need me anymore. she doesn't want me and it hurts ass hell. and the fact that it might be all my fault hurt even more

Sunflowerr444

Date posted: 12w

**talks about SA**

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

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i think i went insane

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