I just want to feel human and love being here and just bask in the beauty of the Earth but now my mind goes straight to negativity and fear. It seems like I will never feel connected to purpose again and be totally at peace with loving the scenery and the way the world works 😢 I want to be okay with anxiety but it’s scary how it makes you feel and then I’m like but then how do I know my brain is really a brain? 😞
I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. I know about not feeling. I use to enjoy this beautiful weather and fall colors but I feel nothing when I look at it. Anxiety is a part of everyday. Mark DeJesus says this is a journey and you have to go slow. Give yourself grace and compassion but that's hard to do when all you want is to feel better. There's no quick fix for this. Have to go through it.
@ElevenB Grace and compassion is something I struggle with bc of feeling like I’m affecting innocent people like my kiddos. I wanted more babies but I feel doomed 😞
@Layla32 Aww we have so many lies we believe. I know I sure do.
The mind is a wondering machine, it’s going to doubt and question everything, especially with an Existential Theme, I went through this last year, Keep doing ERP, resist compulsions, and be open to uncertainty, you’ll get through this. Stay strong!
@Anonymous Can’t afford erp but I did do it some. I know what to do but I def have this underlying belief that I’m just like so unlovable and just that I’m doomed and love me like this is even harder than it was when I was in school just straight up being bullied. I always felt like a weirdo as a kid and now I def feel like they were all right
@Layla32 I too have said I was unloveable. It's very hard. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
@ElevenB I think this is also another reason I struggle so much with my faith now. It’s almost like. Grace? What is that? Like that exists? I was treated harshly by my parents during my breakdown and they’re just human too but it’s very hard to see grace and even to like understand Jesus dying for me. It’s like there’s no way that happened which of course it fuels religious issues. I just think I feel I am that unlovable now. I’ve reached the max. Thankfully my children do seem to love me big despite my irritability and my shortcomings. I could learn something from them.
@Layla32 I know exactly how you feel. As a song I heard grace seems to be for everyone but me. I know those babies of yours love their mom! I have 2 sons, my youngest is 22 but autistic, he loves me unconditionally. Children are a blessing and though hard a reminder of the Father's love for us.
@ElevenB Yes that! My baby girl wants me so much and my ocd has attacked her so much and it’s def gotten so much better as she gets older but earlier I said Layla. She won’t let you hold her forever. You need to reevaluate. I know she won’t always want to be held like that but I’m so in a state of like gotta get all these things done. Check check check. My kids absolutely love their sister too. Those are some things I’ve always always prayed for but yes you are right. My mind has taken me to so many places and one day I did ponder on that. I’ve been in such a bad place this season I couldn’t even like just move or do anything. Stuck in freeze mode from trauma but I was like. Wow. When you learn about Jesus as a child, it’s like it’s so easy to come to Him when we are adults, we just struggle so much with the baggage of letting it all go and coming back to Him like that. The mind is powerful. I just never knew how much 🤯
@Layla32 My OCD started when I was 8. It's always been hard to come to Him because it's like where do I start first I'm so messed up. He does understand but it's just a struggle to trust.
Sorry but I too find myself going down the OCD rabbit hole questioning the meaning of life, death, thoughts, consciousness, space, time, shapes, colors, skin, touch, taste, smells, etc. In my journey I’ve learned that I cannot control what comes to my mind but I can control whether to respond. Knowing that this is my OCD, I choose not to engage with or judge my OCD thoughts. Instead I choose to watch them float on. Inherently, some of these questions have no answers. Nor can there be 100% certainty. That being the case, I accept the uncertainty & rather than doing compulsions, I pass it on to my higher power and move forward living life in accordance with my values (family, friends, gardening, exercising, reading, whatever 🤗). Hope this helps and again know that you are not alone.
@Dee C The judgment is so hard. I’m so so hard on myself. My parents were super critical when I was a kid and now my worst fear has come true. I am dealing with similar issues and feel doomed to move on with things bc of my mental health. It’s like nope. You can’t be happy bc you will ruin people or be abandoned when things get really hard 😔 or be told your weak when you struggle. I’ve had such a traumatic experience this postpartum with hateful comments and accusations. They just def stand out so strong in my mind when I’m having an ocd flare up.
I’m really struggling with this theme because it can make me feel “fake” and it creates doubts that the world around me isn’t real or it’s a simulation? I’m really trying to expose myself but even the possibility makes me incredibly afraid. It even plays into my suicidal ocd as well and makes me afraid that my life would be miserable if this was true. I know how ocd works and I know not to fully believe that. But at the same time, I am trapped in doubt and fear. How could I possibly accept this? Will I ever see the world or life the same again? (Don’t answer that I realize that’s reassurance). Idk this theme is so ass.
So today I’ve been crying all day. My existential OCD has flared up in the past week and it may or may not have been because of me trying to quit nicotine. Don’t get me wrong I had been having thoughts before that but it seemed to be at a calm for a few months. I also have been alone for the past week due to my mom going away on vacation. That may or may not have been a factor as well. But I’ve been feeling really depressed and scared. So much has been on my mind that it would be paragraphs and paragraphs so I’ll just leave it up to the people who have experienced existential OCD. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been giving much attention to my other subtypes in the sense of challenging them. I guess I felt that since I had the scary existential thoughts on hold that I didn’t have to work on the other stuff because I felt like those things were worth worrying about instead of worrying about my purpose or why am I me type of thoughts. I just write this to share and maybe get advice from anyone experiencing what I’ve been experiencing. I’m going to keep going though and keep trying to kick OCD’s ass. Because what’s the alternative? Lol. Hope whoever is reading this is enjoying the little things and giving themselves grace and having a good day. 😊🙏
I used to get caught in a loop with existential thoughts very frequently. Every question made my stomach drop: (TW: existential questions) … … ... "Why does anything exist at all? What will death be like? Is anything even real? Is there any meaning to this? Is the universe infinitely big, and if not, what's beyond it? Are there multiverses? Has the universe been around forever? Will the universe end for good, or will it keep going forever? What is forever like? What even IS reality?" It would get so overwhelming that I remember lying on the floor in a fetal position for hours because I felt like there was no escape. I spent most of my days reading articles and watching videos about theoretical astrophysics and philosophy in a desperate attempt to "figure it all out." Of course that only made me more anxious, raised more questions, and kept me trapped in the cycle. Things started to improve once I learned to turn TOWARD reality, rather than away from it, and ERP really helped me do that. I learned that these questions weren't the problem. I learned that I can actually handle the anxiety that arises when exposed to these ideas and concepts. I don't have to figure anything out to make the anxiety go away; it arises and passes away on its own. Ironically, bringing myself into the present moment and becoming more aware of reality helped me escape the cycle of existential dread. Because of that, this topic no longer takes over my life. If I'm triggered by something I see, hear, or think, I may still feel a little twang of anxiety, but then it just goes away. "Maybe, maybe not" has been the single most useful phrase of my life. Do you ever get trapped in a cycle of existential questions? Are you worried that the ERP approach would be too scary to handle? If so, I'm happy to give my advice.
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