Concept of relationships not feeling special

I'm not in a relationship. But I'm thinking less about any personal relationships I would have and more about relationships as a whole and as a concept. I'm more worried about the "behind the scenes" of the reality with relationships, and it makes them seem less special to me/like it doesn't matter so much. It's possible I might feel better when I'm actually in a relationship, but I sort of doubt it. Thinking about all the chances I missed, and how I could miss more chances, even the one if and when I get married, and how that wouldn't have a real affect on anybody... it's really hard to explain. Besides, I was never in a relationship because I never tried to be. I just never felt right about "being in the game of dating". I could've dated someone I guess, but most people I meet don't seem right for me or special enough to me to try

@Anonymous What is the behind the scenes reality of relationships?

@Formerlyanonymous Whatever facts of relationships there are. Like, a person can date/get married to several different people that would make them equally happy as the others. For example, I could get married to one person, be happy, one of us could pass away, and the other could re-marry and be just as happy as with the other person. Also, I could die young, before meeting my would-be spouse, and they wouldn't know the difference of my absence and would just get married to someone else. In other words, I don't think that "It's a Wonderful Life" is accurate to real life. I know some people would say to be happy in the reality I'm living in. But that doesn't get rid of those facts, and even if it did I'd still be sad

@Anonymous Oh I see what you’re saying. I think I kind of used to feel this way too. As much as I wish I could give you some advice I don’t know if I really can because I don’t have existential OCD. But I wish you the most luck on your recovery journey. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for trying to get through this and you will get through this.

@Formerlyanonymous I'm proud of you too. :) Well, if you used to feel similarly, then you can probably relate to some extent. You probably don't need to worry about the fact that I consider this existential OCD, you might be able to relate in a very similar way still, and you could probably give some advice if you wanted to. Regardless, even if they can't relate, I'm glad as long as someone's listening :)

@Anonymous Thank you so much! I’m happy to listen. And the only thing I could really say is for me when I was going through an existential crisis a couple years back, I realized that I cared less about existential stuff when I was in a good mood. To me that just shows that our feelings/thoughts about the future largely rely on how we’re feeling in the moment. What I’ve found most helpful for my OCD is to hear from people that have overcome and recovered. Have you tried looking on YouTube to see if there are any helpful videos on existential OCD?

@Formerlyanonymous No, I haven't tried that. My existential OCD kinda wraps into my religious OCD, but that's natural with that kind of stuff. I've felt off and in a sad mood in the back of my mind ever since I learned I had OCD back in 2020. I haven't been the same, it's always there. I have ups and downs though. It sucks that all it takes is one trigger to send me back into a spiral from any mood though

@Formerlyanonymous And thanks for the advice btw! :)

@Anonymous Have you tried ERP?

@Anonymous Of course friend :)

@Formerlyanonymous Yes, but not for this obsession yet. I have a therapist too. But this is honestly not my worst obsession, and I took off college to work on one obsession, but an even harder one soon popped up that has been taking up all my ERP energy for the last few years and I'm still struggling with it really badly... There are so many difficult layers piling up...

@Anonymous That sounds really overwhelming. Do you feel like your therapist is helping you enough?

@Formerlyanonymous Probably as much as possible, yeah

@Formerlyanonymous And yes, overwhelming it is

@Formerlyanonymous I think I'm going to go back to college, even though I don't really feel ready. My life's at a standstill, and it could be for several more years...

@Anonymous That might be a good idea. Like everything in life we must have balance. It’s not good if you have too much time in your thoughts.

@Formerlyanonymous Sure. I don't like any of the options I have though. It seems like all of them are wrong 🤷‍♂️

@Formerlyanonymous So, speaking of relationships, I sort of got a crush on someone just this last weekend. But even in that moment, I felt like relationships still didn't matter, and that they could just find someone else anyway. Even with those infatuation feelings I had, I still felt the same way about relationships