I'm trying to fill out my hierarchy and I keep running into things that I thought were just me being weird. How much of me is me and how much is OCD? Is there anybody left after you remove the compulsions?
I feel this way sometimes to this day. I spent some of my life confusing my identity with the compulsions I was doing, and sometimes, I still do. It can be so scary to stop doing compulsions sometimes, because I wonder if there will even be any of me left on the other side. But every time I resist a compulsion, although it can be really frightening, I always find myself on the other side.
@Theocdguitarist I love the way that you put this. Yes, I find myself doubting sometimes as well ❤️
Your OCD latches on to what you value. So your values will remain once you learn to handle and resist compulsions/giving in to thoughts. You are still you, no matter what your OCD tells you. ERP is scary and tough, but you are stronger, and you will still be you during this journey. You’re going to discover behaviors you thought were just you, but are really tied to OCD. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself grace, because you’ll get to a point where you’re glad you can identify the OCD and how to work through it. There is also a support group on Saturdays that is wonderful, and may help you.
Yes to everything anonymous said above! I was right where you were a few months ago. It felt as if OCD had its roots into every part of my life. And I was overwhelmed at the scope of its influence. I’ve found that as I’ve peeled back the layers of OCD (through ERP and mindfulness/awareness) I’ve begun to rediscover myself — the parts of myself that have been suppressed by OCD for so many years. It’s been a hard, scary, and emotional process — but also so rewarding, healing, exciting, and hopeful. Keep at it. One step at a time. I’m cheering you on 🙂
Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.
Is this ocd? I Have a thought or think something f harmful that I’ve gotten intrusive thoughts about - and get a feeling like I want/like it or it would give me relief??? Please tell me that will eventually go away and I’ll get my real feelings back??? Or have I just turned into those things? Sometimes things that make me upset it even feels like I’ll do them just so I can be upset about them.
Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.
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