i am feeling majorly depressed and suicidal

when i was 7 years old, i sexually experimented but with my brother who was three years younger than me. nothing terrible happened and nothing was forced. i sat on his lap and i moved my hips in a sexual way for like 5 seconds. i didn’t know that it was wrong at the time, i was just a very curious child. that was 12 years ago and ever since then i’ve regretted it with every ounce of my being and it made me feel disgusting because it doesn’t align with my values at all. but recently, it has turned into real event ocd. i cant stop feeling immense guilt over this thinking i molested my brother and how shameful i feel about it. i feel so disgusting and i don’t think i’ve ever felt more suicidal than i do now.

So my thoughts are getting a little tied to my mind. An event that happened a year ago that involved me being in school still. As class was ending I zipped up my bag and everything was going about the usual way. I was in a tight space in a right corner so as everyone was making their way to the door. I was zipping up my bag and I knew someone was coming from behind me. They were planning to pass by while I was zipping up my bag. I got thoughts saying that I should tuck my arm so I don't make contact with them, but I tried to tell myself that even if we do have contact, it shouldn't matter and it won't be a bad thing. But then it got so much worse when it did happen: This person passed through and faced themselves to where they were facing the left so my elbow made contact with her behind... She noticed this and it got awkward. I wanted to say sorry but it was too awkward.. I left class and as soon as I got to the stairs, my heart sank, my thoughts kicked in, and I started worrying extremely about the thought that I just sexually assaulted or harassed this woman and it tore me apart. I hated this day because I was doing so good prior to this and I didn't want to go through something like this. A year later, this still bothers me greatly when I get triggers in regards to harassment or assault of any kind. I see it in workplaces at times and it makes me very unsettled. I feel like I should have just listened to my thoughts because if I don't bad things happen. And this bad thing did happen.. This is the one time a compulsion could have saved me potential trouble.

A few months ago I had a bad episode where I was sitting next to my mum having intrusive thoughts and I disassociated and put my finger in her vagina. Atleast I think this happened. My mum says it didn’t happen and it’s all in my head. It took me months to get over this happening and now my ocd has latched onto something new and is saying that I raped her again. I don’t know if this happened and I’m trying to practice radical acceptance but it’s hard. I just want to figure it out. I want to know if this definitely happened or didn’t. It hurts me to think I might’ve done something this awful. Please leave any tips on dealing with this in the comments below.