Dealing with grief bc of OCD

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

I feel like OCD has taken up a massive chunk of my life. I don't really have anything else, most of my time has been spent with obsessions for years. I'm 21 so I know I'm young and everything but that is time I won't get back, and it's had aeasurable impact on my future, with stuffike grades, or just missing out on social stuff due to obsessions. I wasn't even aware of what was wrong with me for so long.

So, this is my first time posting or talking about this ti anyone.. I need Help dealing with the grief for my lost old self.. I keep ruminating about how much I could've achieved and who I might have become if I didn't go through this ( Sever MDD+OCD) especially in a very sensitive period like adolescence in hugh school where i had a lot of ambitions about my academic potential.. I used to have a lot of dreams now I can't even imagien a future.. I don't recognize myself anymore .. I have read it before and i never forgot it "mental illness is the only ilness that makes families abd individuals grieve someone who is Alive, he might be there but not quiet the same anymore" It has been 4 years since i was diagnosed at 16 and not a day goes by where U don't think about it , it hurts to not be able to stop thinking about something in the past that stull affects you today it just hurts..