"To Choose A Spouse" - A Short Story I wrote

I’m almost 6 months in since I started ERP therapy. I’ve noticed little changes. I still have a long way to go. I feel myself growing a little impatient because I thought I’d be further and have everything figured out out by now, but this is a process. I’ve talked about my ex a lot on here and to my therapist. We’ve done some ERP procedures. Some have helped and some I’m still working on. I saw someone post something about how you’re attracted to your partner and then sometimes you’re not. I’ve been struggling w/ this for almost 2 years now. (The attraction). When I first met my ex I wasn’t attracted. I thought maybe over time the attraction would grow. We met in late June almost 2 years ago. I’m a little nervous posting what I’m finna post, but maybe someone is going though something similar. My birthday is in August so she had brought me a early birthday gift at the end of July. It was really sweet. She wasn’t able to come in August for my birthday so I went out with my family to a baseball game. I’ve talked to my mom, therapist (at the time), and cousin about what I’m about to say next and they all said, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” But I still believe I did bc I new better and I don’t think it had anything to do w/ ocd. I feel like this was my real feelings. I had a girl on snap I use to talk to about a year prior. I remember thinking I wanna see if she was gonna wish me a happy birthday so I filmed a video of myself drinking beer at a baseball game. I guess I posted it for her, she ended up seeing it, but didn’t text HBD on snap. Immediately I felt guilty and deleted it. But before posting it I thought about it and this next part is so messed up I still feel ashamed to this day but I had a thought that popped saying, “ she’s not that attractive anyways and she didn’t give u a good gift ..so post.” After I had that thought I did. I held onto that thought and felt guilt for an entire year. Now I don’t wanna tell her business on here, but there were things that were happening health wise and someone very close to her passed. It’s almost like I was trying to find the right moment to tell her and everytime I wanted to something happened. And I know that’s not her fault. I felt guilt everyday. I would pray to god saying “I cheated, she’s never gonna forgive me etc.” Everytime I saw her i felt bad and guilty and what’s she was going through. (By the way I told her about the whole snap chat thing minjs the attractive/ gift part) I just feel like there’s some things you shouldn’t say. I felt suicidal and felt this overwhelming anxiety. She told me that she’s been cheated on in the passed and I thought I was another girl who was gonna break her heart. And also if I knew that then why would I do that? So few months go by and I drive there and she drives to my house. She would offer to buy me things , but I felt I didn’t deserve that so I would always tell her, “no that’s okay.” Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to my mom about it. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. But I’m asking myself why do I feel so guilty. Damn near crying every night . Eventually it went away because of that “reassurance.” And it was more about me posting that pic for that girl to see, not about her weight. So now it’s January of 2024, I felt better bc I explained to my mom about what happened, but now I new theme popped up. One day we were hanging out in her bedroom and I don’t know if I put my hand on her stomach or what , but I felt guilty. Like why would I do that? “Am I trying to make her skinnier?” So now I was stuck on her appearance. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her because instrusive thoughts would pop up here and there I couldn’t joy my time with her. I began to question myself am I in this relationship bc I feel bad what she’s going though health wise or do I really love her? I really do believe I loved her, but I almost can’t remember and my mind twisting everything. And why was my mind so fixated on her weight? It doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter. The amount of times I’ve looked up YouTube videos about “does attraction matter in a relationship?” I think you should be attracted , but it’s not everything. It’s about how the person makes you feel. She made me feel good, made me laugh and smile. She was easy to talk to. Idk I’m kinda getting confused with the definition of “Love.” Like what really is it? I thought love was loving someone unconditionally no matter what they look like. I remember being more attracted when she wore her hairstyle one way then another day it would be something different . So is that really love? I hear people say love is a choice all the time. Are you suppose to feel a spark all the time? Or does spark come and go? And I feel like if u didn’t feel attracted to them you wouldnt be intimate. I think my dads side of the family effected me and made me feel less confident and I felt bad bc that rubbed off on her. It’s like I was stressed and nervous what I thought they thought of her when they saw her and I took my anxiety out on her.😞 I tried my best to have a poker face and not let it get to me but it did. I tried to be the strong one for both of us. So sometimes I’m like she deserves someone better who’s proud to be with her. But I feel more confident than I did a year ago. Like if we were to go out, I would hold her hand. Also guys this the first time I came out to my family so it might have been right but everything was new to me. I thought telling her everything would make me feel better and it did, but now these thoughts are coming up again. We aren’t talking anymore. I feel like over time my OCD got worse and this wasn’t when I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed September of 2024. Idk I’ve talked to my mom a lot about this and I’m thankful that I have her. She was saying you were doing the best you could then. I feel like it wasn’t enough and she keeps saying, “you didn’t know what any of this was.” So idk the more I didn’t get help did I just go completely numb? I feel like I’m in denial and maybe I never was attracted. I don’t know I guess I felt like I was lying to her about how I felt. But I really do believe I was in love at one point and it just went away. Part of me questions if I didn’t have OCD would things have played out differently? And why do I find myself missing her more when I’m PMSING and when I’m on my period then when I’m not. It’s like I almost don’t care about her ask much and I don’t like that . I rather feel my emotions than feel numb. I try not to think about the “what ifs,” but I’m scared for the unknown. Like what if she meets someone else? What if I do? I’m almost scared to talk to someone new bc I feel like I’m gonna have negative thoughts about my ex. My mom says I should get back on dating sites to just see how I feel, but I’m not mentally ready for that. I’m the type of person who doesn’t adapt well with change and it takes me a long time to move on from someone. We technically been broken up since end of June. But tried to work things out and middle of January of this year she said she was basically “done for now.” I feel like I wore her out with my OCD and putting a lot of stress on her and she said that she felt like I made her my punching bag. Like that doesn’t make me feel good. I know she was trying her best to understand OCD. If you don’t have it, it’s hard to explain and understand. She’s definitely changed me for the better. 2 years ago i was a mess and completely broken. You can’t just forget about someone who’s helped you and was there for you and didn’t give up. But she got to the point where she told me “how much more can I take?” I didn’t realize she felt that way and I felt so guilty bc I never wanted her to get to that point. I feel like I lost her for good. And I’m not asking you guys to feel sorry for me. I know I could’ve done things better, but I’m trying to better myself now. Maybe one day we’ll find one another again or maybe we won’t. I’ll always love her tho. I guess I’m still having conflicting feelings. She feels like my person. She makes me feel good, she listens, she makes me laugh and she’s brought me closer to god. ✨🤍 I’m tryna stay strong and tryna fight. My cousin said something one time that resonated with me. She said, “my mind is my biggest bully” and its true. I posted yesterday about how I’m lost and feel anger, and confusion. I’m trying to have some faith. Is there any one that related to anything I mentioned or have a verse that helps them try and get through day by day? Also thank you for taking your time to hear me out and read this.

TW: multiple good options for relationships I'm having stress about the concept and intricacies of relationships. Really, relationships of any kind. But, for example, partner relationships (I'm single btw); how do you know who's right? Aren't there multiple people who could be equally a good option? I can also miss my chance, yeah? I just don't like the intricacies and existential questioning about all my relationships, even my relationships with my friends and family... it's really stressing me out

"The Mistakeless Man Tries to Become Mistakeful" A man of great historical significance… who became the first human incapable of making a mistake… who didn't know how to make mistakes... who literally had no experience making mistakes… who transformed the concept of perfection into a reality… his name was Mr. Maguire. Can you imagine what Mr. Maguire’s life was like? Can you imagine what his relationship was like with others in the community? Can you imagine how a therapist would react to someone like Maguire? How was his life? He loved his life. He had never experienced a negative emotion in his life. He had never faced adversity. He had never made a mistake for god’s sake! How was his relationship in his community? People had a love-hate relationship with Maguire. People who loved Maguire would do deeds for him to increase his success because they admired him. Conversely, people who hated Maguire would try to trap him to commit a mistake and mock him because they felt jealous and couldn’t relate to him as a human being who was too perfect! But he was certainly loved by the U.S. government! Even the U.S. Treasury department mailed cash checks with Mr. Maguire’s name written on them! Oh… he loved it! If that wasn’t good enough, the government also exempted Mr. Maguire from paying any income taxes whatsoever! As a result of these generous monetary benefits, he often complained about having too much money in his checking account! He literally had too much money! So then he had to push money out of his checking account all the time or else it would become over clogged with money! Eventually he had someone do the job for him because Mr. Maguire knew that he himself was simply too good to deal with that kind of problem! “What a good problem to have!” Angry people shouted with jealousy. People who hated Maguire would criticize him harshly, but they learned how challenging it is to find something to criticize Maguire on! How can you seriously criticize someone who is literally perfect? These hating people were furious! They really hated Mr. Maguire because they were jealous and could not relate to him as a human being! They had zero empathy for someone like Maguire. Zero empathy! They tried to force him to make a mistake. But how can you force someone to make a mistake? Should it be done on accident or on purpose? People were so confused about this. Their goal was to get him to commit a mistake for the first time in his life! That’s it! That is all their goal was! Then if that goal were achieved, they would mock him, embarrass him, and call it a day. It would become a famous celebratory holiday that recurred annually. But were they successful? Did Maguire actually end up making a mistake for the first time? Did he ever experience a negative emotion in his life? Was perfection really sustainable? How would his relationship with his community change if he did become mistakeful? What about the relationships with those who admired his perfection? What about the people who hated Maguire for being too perfect? Did they like him now or continue their hatred and abandon him? How would Maguire himself feel about experiencing a negative emotion or committing a mistake for the first time? What happened to Mr. Maguire? Chapter 2: "Mr. Maguire seeks therapy" Yes, you read that correctly, Mr. Maguire actually seeks therapy! If there is anything that makes the least sense, it would be a perfect human seeking therapy. A perfect human does not belong in a therapeutic setting! But, there arrived a time in Maguire’s perfect life, when the time was perfect, when he gently realized that he may be too perfect. He felt inspired to make a mistake and relate to others who do make mistakes. A direct quote from Mr. Maguire, “I feel truly inspired to gain problems.” Maguire wasn’t upset about it at all! Instead he was experiencing curiosity and inspiration. He wanted to consult a therapist to learn more. He wanted to learn about mistakes and problems. He wanted to learn how to make a mistake and gain problems! He was the first person on earth to attend therapy to gain problems! How did his first therapy session go? How did the remaining sessions go? What was the therapeutic approach used? Was it successful? But before we learn the answer to those questions, let’s first go back to the day Maguire felt inspired to attend therapy. Let’s find out what happened that day that inspired Maguire. How was his day that day? Mr. Maguire woke up at his desired time at 7:00 AM without an alarm clock. It was an inspirational morning for Mr. Maguire when he grabbed his journal to start recording his thoughts. “I feel well rested as always, but what does it mean when society says they feel tired? Society seems to assign a label that is bad for feeling tired, they say you don’t want to experience anything like it… strange.” Then Mr. Maguire, with a profoundly confused look on his face, gently puts his journal back inside his drawl and lays it to rest....