My Story

Hello guys, I'm new and from the Philippines. I'm a straight man 26 years old and currently in a happy relationship with my girlfriend of almost 4 years. I dont know if you develop OCD but I noticed earlier this year, specifically around April 2023, I develop my HOCD. I decided to myself that I am now ready to propose to my long term girlfriend earlier this year, thats when I saw a clip of a tv show that a husband is divorcing his wife because he was actually gay. That when my HOCD was starting to develop. I started to think the "what if" questions in my mind. "WHAT IF IM ACTUALLY GAY? WILL MY FUTURE MARRIAGE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND BE OK? WILL WE SEPERATE IF I AM ACTUALLY GAY?" And everyday when i wake up, one of the first things that I think is "what if im actually gay?" I also have scenarios suddenly created in my mind that I dont like, I notice small things that can trigger my intrusive thoughts. I am hyper aware about other males around me and start to have intrusive sexual thoughts. I am scared, I have nothing about gay people its just that I dont want to be gay Those questions earlier were costantly appearing in my head, and slowly start to build over time. And earlier this day, November 18, 2023, i was fed up with my intrusive thoughts and actually thought about commiting suicide to stop my thoughts. Thats when I decided that I needed help. I love my girlfriend and I want to be with her forever. I want to be her husband, i want her to be my wife. I am just scared that when I marry her, in the long run what if im actually gay, then i have hurt her and lied to her about myself

VGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hi, so glad you are here. First, let me say you're not alone, what you are describing is Sexual Orientation OCD (SO OCD). It is important to understand the OCD is ultimately about doubt/uncertainty. People with OCD have an intrusive thought (which we can't control by the way) and because they care about the subject of the thought they feel a pressing urge to prove the thought wrong. Thus begins the obsessive-compulsive cycle or loop. I know how intense these feelings are. I know how difficult it is to just allow the thoughts to be there and not argue with them. I know there may be bodily reactions which also give you doubt. The more you try to "figure all this out" "solve the problem" "be sure" the less sure you will feel and the worse your OCD will get. I spent years living like this, believe me it doesn't get better doing these behaviors. Ultimately, we have to stop the search for certainty, we have to stop dwelling on the questions. I know this sounds impossible. The good news is, there is treatment. There are strategies and tools to help you. Reach out to NOCD if that's an option for you. Explore NOCD's YouTube channel, there is so much great info there. A great book, "Needing to Know for Sure" by Winston and Seif was very helpful in explained what is occurring with OCD. Please know, you don't have to be stuck in this uncertainty/doubt cycle and you can and will be able to get back to the life you want and deserve. Wishing you all the best!

iwanttogetbe...

Date posted: 1y

I’m glad you shared your story. I hope you are doing well. You sound like you are a level-headed human and that you care for your girlfriend deeply. Based off of the posts that I’ve been reading, I’m starting to see a correlation between OCD and consumption of media. I recall being a young girl and reading how some parents were very strict on their kids on allowing them to watch tv. Now I understand why. . . Many of my OCD fears stem from what I saw on tv and thinking it was a reality. When it’s not. Most of it is scripted for shock value. I lost a friend to suicide. I’m glad that you are here sharing your life because reading your post made me feel like I am not alone.

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