Rumination

What can I do when a rumination is based in facts, but there is nothing I can do about the situation? My 10y/o step daughter has confided in me (and only me) suicidal ideation and hopelessness for several years. I tell her parents and they don’t believe me, minimize or take her to one therapy session or give her a new rx. She is constantly in trouble at school, bullies others, lies steals and I see all of it as a cry for help. They tell her to “be good” and “you know how to act” and she’s punished by mom or coddled by dad, but never HELPED. Every time I’m in her presence I can see and feel her anxiety and pain. I told my husband that to me it’s so intense it’s as if she is covered in blood and screaming at me for help, but no one else gets it. He rolled his eyes and told me to “chill”. He won’t even talk to me about it anymore and won’t do anything to help either of us. I have tried everything imaginable under the sun to deal with this, and now I am not able to be in her presence because it’s excruciating for me to see and know I can’t do a thing for her. If I try to speak up for her needs I am told to butt out or it’s “just kids stuff”…. She told me she wants to be hit by a car so maybe someone will love her. That’s not just kids stuff!!

Wolfram

Date posted: 1y

I can't relate completely but I really do feel for you. This is a tough one and yeh it will be Ruminating and also logical. Is there any chance of getting your stepdaughter therapy? Also I've always strongly believed that you can't just tell someone not to bully or do bad things. There's probably something underlying and an emotion that needs to be seen to, energy that needs to be used. Saying, don't go down that path, if they don't see another is almost pointless. Just because it's common sense for someone else doesn't mean it is for her. I understand where you're coming from. I've dealt with relatable situations but completely different. I suggest being a guide. Give a hand up, not a hand out. Also get her therapy if that's an option and it concerns you. Don't just chuck her in head first though. Get her used to the idea. Hope it helps. I'm gonna follow you on this app because I feel as if I've been in a similar position to you a lot in my life. If I can help I will

introvertcry...

Date posted: 1y

@Invalid Thank you for sharing your perspective and responding to my post. Yes, I have been trying for 5 years to get and keep her in therapy. As her step mom I do not have the legal right to make medical decisions on her behalf, and her parents just entirely dismiss everything I say. Since she only tells me these disturbing things, they have chalked it up to “meh she’s probably being manipulative”. I was taking her to therapy and neither of them would come, or engage in discussions/take action about what she needed. It raised both our frustrations even more. I’ve offered to do ALL the legwork of verifying insurance, driving to appointments, paperwork, educational resources, parenting resources for her needs, etc. They just don’t act on it.

introvertcry...

Date posted: 1y

@introvertcrystals When I was taking her to therapy, they recommended she go to inpatient or outpatient stay, said her needs were above what they could help with, and they wouldn’t pursue that.

Wolfram

Date posted: 1y

Only thing I can think of is to persuade her to speak to them about the issues. That may backfire a little but if the parents see it first hand then maybe they will will understand the gravity of the situation

introvertcry...

Date posted: 1y

@Invalid I did, and she tried, very bravely. She’s 10. She told her Dad how she felt and he just responded with things like -you shouldn’t feel that way, we love you, you don’t have to feel that, you’ll be fine, just be good, etc. 🤯😭

Wolfram

Date posted: 1y

Telling her how to be and to not to be doesn't help. She has something she needs to express and needs to know how to express it in positive healthy ways. If I cook something wrong, and I get told that it's bad and only that, I learn nothing other than I'm bad at it. I would need to be shown how to do it properly in order to learn efficiently. Either that or lots of trial and error. Trial and error seems to be the stage where she's at. I feel for her if that's all they say. I don't envy either of your positions. Is there anything you can learn yourself to help her?

introvertcry...

Date posted: 1y

@Invalid Really, really appreciate you listening 💗I don’t know what else to do 😔. After for so long I feel like I’ve tried so much. I’ve spent hundreds of hours learning about how to parent kids with unconventional needs and understanding emotions, trauma, ADHD, autism, anxiety, etc. If I see her in distress and try to intervene her Dad just shuts it down or ignores what I’m saying. I’m working with a therapist to help me gain acceptance that I can’t change or help this situation. It’s so hard for me not to constantly think about but I’m really trying to detach from this.

Wolfram

Date posted: 1y

Hopefully the therapist helps you get to where you want. As for your step daughter, maybe the next time she acts up ask why she did it. Ask what she think she should do instead, don't accept "not that" as an answer. Maybe with this approach you give her the opportunity to figure it out herself.

Mitu_001

Date posted: 24w

I know I seek reassurance.But I really dont know what to do right now.I keep thinking about how I didnt help someone who was in a terrible situation a long time ago.They were a kid :( .Since then I keep thinking about what happened and how I didnt help.And I started to have intrusive thoughts ..about what happened..and other terrible themes.And I am really scared.I realised I keep thinking because I cant belive how difficult it was for them and how I could have helped and I didnt.I talked to a psychologist and they told me I didnt know how to deal with such a situation but I still blame myself.Sometimes I feel like they need help now, l but it was years ago.I stopped ruminating because it wont help anyone but I still have intrusive thoughts.I want to help now but I dont know if I can .I want to aplogise and make sure they are ok but I dont want to makw them remember.And I dont want to do that just because of guilt..I want to actually help.I feel like I did an unforgivable mistake..+ the terrible thoughts I have .Idk if I can ever share them with someone..ever..I feel like I am a dangerous person because I didnt help+ because of my intrusive thoughts.I really doubt myself..and feel like I shouldnt be trusted.Thank you if you have read all of this

RavenRose77

Date posted: 11w

Ruminating Help

I ruminated too much this morning and got distressing mental images (and confirmation) which sent me spiraling again. How do I stop thinking about this and how do I get back to myself? I feel destroyed.

hulder

Date posted: 16d

Life is tough

Feel like I’ve been stuck in a spiral for a while. My OCD has come in waves over the years but this time it has been so debilitating. I’m in therapy, but I really struggle with sitting with uncertainty. My therapist will tell me to say, “Maybe, maybe not”. But so many of my fears and so much of my uncertainty feels too risky to just, “not figure out”. And if it’s not just thoughts, it’s actions or events. Whether it’s an event from years ago or 5 minutes ago, I feel like I’m ruminating and trying to perform memory recall. I analyze every action, thought, decision. I’m full of guilt and dread all the time. And then I realize how much it’s affecting my family and ability to be a fun and present parent. Most days I’m hardly functional outside of meeting my kid’s basic needs. I feel like I’m wasting so much time, but I just can’t get myself out of this constant loop. Every day brings a new event or theme or thought. I know I need to sit with the uncertainty but it’s so hard.

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