I want to go back to normal:(

Being out with my boyfriend after constant rumination and constant doubts makes me feel even more disconnected from him :( I know I love him, I wouldn’t be trying so hard to go back to normal if I didn’t, but I don’t feel love for him right now. Being numb about everything doesn’t help at all either. I’d be out with him at a restaurant or something, not feel the false attractions towards women, but still feel like with him I’m lying to myself. Ugh I hate this, he used to be my home and now it’s so hard to find comfort around him.

Blueberry

Date posted: 2y

I’m literally in the same boat. Have you ever talked to him about your ocd? I know it’s hard to talk about these themes especially when he is intertwined with them. It helps to talk to him and maybe he can provide you with some comfort. I know that kind of helps me out when I’m ruminating. Just be sure to not seem reassurance. Remember that it’s all in your head and it’ll pass eventually. Hope you feel better.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Blueberry I have talked to him about it, at first it did help because he’s been through anxiety too. But after a while I depended on that feeling when I was with him to kinda bring me back but my ocd latched onto that too so I started losing that feeling :(

Meg99

Date posted: 2y

I’m in the same boat and feeling so guilty about hurting him adds to the stress from the intrusive thoughts. It’s been such a hard weekend with intrusive thoughts for me and like you said, even when they’re not happening I still feel disconnected because I just feel numb to everything right now. And I feel like he’s starting to pick up on it. I just want my old self and our great relationship back. Because when it comes down to it, I know I’m not gay. I know I love my boyfriend and want to be with him and the thought of being without him upsets me a lot. But damn so-ocd tells me too many thoughts in a day that I start thinking I am gay. I just want it all to stop.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Meg99 I relate to all you said :( my ROCD started bc I think I fell out of love, which ik is normal in long term relationships, but with that and feeling disconnected I keep overanalyzing him and us and asking myself if I actually want it even though I know deep down I do. I feel so guilty too like I’m being a terrible gf for staying even when I have these thoughts, bc it makes me feel like he deserves so much better than someone who doesn’t know what they want. I want it all to stop too. We were perfect to me before :(

Meg99

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous2120 I feel like now having so-ocd has led to me having rocd which has distanced because of the thoughts I had from both types. I try my hardest to just accept the uncertainty, not do compulsions, but then at some point it all just boils over. Its just crazy how this stuff can come out of nowhere and consume your life. We were literally fine for so long and then now I have all of these thoughts. Half the time I even doubt if so-ocd is real and if I’m just using it as reassurance and to deny the truth. Just wish it would all stop. I want to be with my boyfriend, I love him so much and the relationship we have. Idk it’s very stressful.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Meg99 Ik exactly what you mean:( it’s gotten to the point for me where my minds trying to tell me it’d be easier to just break up with him but I don’t want to do that

Meg99

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous2120 Exactly, I don’t want to do that either. I feel like that’s where my rocd comes in and says well he’d be better without you cause you might just be leading him on. But then when I imagine saying all of this to someone out loud it doesn’t even feel right and I know it’s not me. But I live in my head so much that it all seems and feels real.

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