My OCD Story.

My name is Josh. I'm 39 years old and I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts for a majority of my life. I was not aware of it until I was in my 20's. I come from a very negative, and abusive childhood. I didn't fully escape the abuse until 4 years ago when I decided to cut my entire immediate family off. It was liberating. Anyway, MY intrusive thoughts very much center around violence and POCD. My very first thought of random violence occurred when I was 9, when my brother was born. Our mother worked at a hospital, and one day we were there for some reason. I took my brother in his stroller over to look out a full body window. I suddenly started having thoughts that I could push him through the window. No reason for it, it just happened. Thus, began my thoughts getting worse from there. I used to really only get violent thoughts towards bullies as the years progressed. I didn't really care because they were people who hurt me in some way. That mainly started with my dad because he was the main source of abuse I endured. It was physical and emotional from the time I was born until I was 16. Those thoughts stuck with me for so long I'm not even sure if I hated them or not. It always bothered me when it would happen to people who did nothing to me. Although violence was my main theme, I was also a checker. I would get awoken in the middle of the night thinking I didn't check the doors or the stoves. I was also extremely afraid of getting STDs from things such as a scratch from a fence. Girlfriends would have to get monthly STD checks, which made my relationships pretty short. That theme made me a hypochondriac up until I was in my late 20's. The POCD is one that is very bothersome to me. I have 4 kids and 3 of them are girls. Only one of those girls are biologically mine. It made it very difficult for me to be embracing with them when they needed because I was afraid my body might react in a way I didn't want. That probably made me look like I didn't care, but I was letting the OCD win. This isn't a topic I'm super ok talking with publicly. My therapist is the only one I feel needs to know much of this one. Well, there's so much more to that story. In the end, I'm a checker. My compulsions make me check all of the time. I've put myself and people in risky situations to try and show myself I'm not what my thoughts make me feel I am. I also have functioning aspbergers, but I'm pretty low on the spectrum. Although, I may be a checker, I've never hurt anyone in anyway shape or form in the name of checking. But, this is long enough now so I'll end here. Thank you for reading!