Im so lost. I can’t find my carnal attraction like i used to. The one thing I am trying to be is true to myself. I keep watching porn to see if something, ANYTHING gay turns me on. And I never get excited. I just get anxious, a weird feeling, and i don’t like watching the “act”... I even try to will myself to like it but it just doesn’t pop up. But anything with a woman in it..boom I’m in the mood... But the doubt just creeps back in bc I’ll see a guy, say “oh he’s cute, could I do it with him?” Then I get anxious and say “that was a gay thought, you’re gay” but I just can’t prove it to myself I honestly do not care what I am at this point...I just want to be true and put the doubt behind me.... How do I do this? Someone please.

First off it was hocd now I'm having doubts if I'm bisexual or not. I've done so much googling trying to find out what I am and so far I've been able to label that I'm Aesthetically attracted to everyone which has nothing to do with sexuality and is normal but sexually I've only been interested in women. My sexual and romantic attractions are interlocked meaning I can't have one without an other. I know I shouldn't be doing so much compulsions but there is one doubt that's glued to my head and it's making me feel like I'm attracted to feminine men (twinks, femboys) even during hocd this was the case and what caused it to begin with. I can't figure it out no matter how much I research. Sexually it would be uncomfortable and without the feminine makeup on I wouldn't be aesthetically attracted. This is all confusing to me because I always saw myself as straight and found interest in just women. I just want these doubts to go so I'm able to have a girlfriend (broke up with mine few months back) I want to be able to be doubt free and feel secure in my own identity. It's getting to the point where I feel like I need to experiment just to find an answer even though I know I would be uncomfortable the fact I'm no longer disgusted fuels this theme too:(. I really need answers I feel like I'm close but then the anxiety comes back

My dumb ass has been reasurance seeking so much, researching, Reddit, quizes, gay Vs denial, bisexual Vs denial, and checking aesthetically good looking men and now nothing reassures me for long periods of time. It's ruining my relationship I'm losing attraction I have porn addiction too not compulsively checking but I do check alot of the time and it's also escalating onto things I wouldn't do in real life. My life feels ruined by this relapse because life was finally good I finally got a beautiful amazing girlfriend, went gym, got new clothing, haircut and was overall happy but just finding men handsome, liking their voice etc causes me alot of anxiety because it's not every so often it's a very common thing now and it makes me so upset not because being bi or gay is wrong but because I don't want sex with men it doesn't make me happy or excite me I wouldn't even do it for money. Women make me feel so good inside, excited, butterflies I just want to be married and spend my life with a beautiful women but with this shit I doubt everything I can't even have same sex friends out of fear that it'll be more than platonic. I wouldn't care if I was 10% bisexual and 90% straight because id always be straight over everything I love women even though they make me nervous my response has always been positive. I really REALLY need help I can't live like this I'm not suicidal or anything but I'm extremely depressed it's causing my girlfriend to become distant we don't do nothing sexually even though before this relapse I was craving it all the time cuz of how much I love her. How do I stop this anxiety and doubt? Why is there even anxiety around this? I'm confident enough to say I find men handsome but that's all it is? So why can't I figure this out? No matter how much research the next day I just find myself repeating it trying to solve the big question if I'm gay or not. Even though logically I'm attracted to women exclusively I may have done things growing up as curiosity but crushes have always been women, sexual fantasies always women, women have always made me excited I loved it even growing up I was obsessed with wanting a girlfriend not because of society but because that's what I wanted? A romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. If the cure is to sit with this discomfort why do I have the discomfort in the first place? Because I can find men handsome? But that doesn't make me attracted to them sexually I've never looked at a man and thought "I'd love to have him all to myself and fuck him" I've only said that about women? Groinal responses as well they're a pain in the ass especially when I check porn it's a massive anxiety trap and makes me question shit even though it may cause a physical response I don't like it mentally I want it gone I want this all gone without any doubt. If anyone spent their time reading this thank you. I feel so alone at the moment and isolated with confusion with no one to talk to

Why can't I figure this out and why when I try to it makes me feel like I am gay? I feel so depressed I was starting to be myself again and I was so happy even got a girlfriend and was working out and about to get a job too but now it's all lost I hav wno motivation to do anything, when I check gay porn I get aroused, when I imagine scenarios no matter what I get aroused I guess I've lost. I've never been homophobic or saw it as wrong but I also was never interested in men I always had crushes and fantasized about women and wanting to only be with women but now it feels like I can't even do that. I'm also noticing men alot more now too as handsome or pretty boy faced and it's making me feel even more in denial ): I fucking hate this so much I would do anything to go back to my comfortable happy self who was straight and girl crazy. I really hope this isn't all real I don't want any of this i just want to be straight not because of society but that's what made me the happiest and most fulfilling version of myself. I just don't understand why it all feels so real? Why I can't no matter what have certainty that stops me from checking? Why does porn cause arousal? Why do I notice men alot more? Even now I still don't want sex or a relationship especially a relationship because the thought of being intimate with a man isn't something I want and would make me uncomfortable and sex causes arousal but it's not something I want unlike women I desire it I want it. It makes me feel all fuzzy and good inside.