Im so lost. I can’t find my carnal attraction like i used to. The one thing I am trying to be is true to myself. I keep watching porn to see if something, ANYTHING gay turns me on. And I never get excited. I just get anxious, a weird feeling, and i don’t like watching the “act”... I even try to will myself to like it but it just doesn’t pop up. But anything with a woman in it..boom I’m in the mood... But the doubt just creeps back in bc I’ll see a guy, say “oh he’s cute, could I do it with him?” Then I get anxious and say “that was a gay thought, you’re gay” but I just can’t prove it to myself I honestly do not care what I am at this point...I just want to be true and put the doubt behind me.... How do I do this? Someone please.

I'm going through the same thing it's so confusing

Testing yourself with pornography is a compulsion (it’s called mental checking). And it’s going to keep driving your obsession. You have to stop. You’re doing it to find 100% certainty, but OCD brains don’t feel 100% certainty, that’s the part of our brains that just don’t work the same as other people’s. Stop seeking certainty that you don’t or never will find a man attractive. Stop testing yourself with pornography. Just live and let whatever happens happen. When you have a weird thought pop up, don’t follow it. Acknowledge it, accept that it’s there, and move on. If you try to disprove it, reason with it, understand it, etc you’re just doing more mental compulsions. Someone without OCD would get a thought like that and just go “huh, that’s weird,” and move on. You have to learn to do the same. The more you can make peace with the fact that your brain is going to send you weird thoughts sometimes, the better you’ll be able to start feeling normal again. Intrusive thoughts are normal. Our reactions as people with OCD are not.

Thanks to all. Just tired of this. Today’s been tough bc I just can’t believe my insecure mind.... I will move thru this.

I don't think it's denial because if it was denial we wouldn't try to fight it we would just know and try to hide it. But you never know, anyway we have to try to not focus on that and just try to live our life and keep our minds distracted, as hard as it sounds, it's what we need to do because looking for certainty just triggers OCD even more.

I don’t really get aroused by what I used to, at least that’s what I fear. I now get anxious. The weird thing is I want to I just can’t, it seems. I’ve had eight years of this. I can’t date, get anxious about it when it comes up - I’ve had one relationship that’s just broke down because of this. I blew a chance with someone nice feeling so freaked out about whether it’d just all happen again - the anxiety, the guilt and low self esteem. It’s like there’s no joy anymore and I don’t know what to do. This has ruined my twenties, and I can’t help but feel that somehow I’ve helped that.

You can’t find the line really in my experience. Don’t be in denial that you have problems with the thoughts for now, I’m still clearly having trouble with my own. You can only move on by practicing knowing the fact that they are thoughts and that your anxiety over them is amplifying it. It’s managing in any way you can to let the anxiety subside and accepting those thoughts as those that any person regardless of sexuality can have. Your response has just got messed up.

You got this man, you're not alone.

I feel exactly the same, I started to feel better about myself and two weeks later I’m back feeling like this. I just wish I went back to how I was and have been for the first 32 years of my life. I check porn daily and never get aroused by gay stuff and then to straight porn and bang I’m aroused. But the thoughts come back 10 minutes later. This is crazy!

Maybe it’s deep denial? I don’t think HOCD works like this

Wow. This has changed views. I refuse. I’m done. Idgaf anymore.

I feel the same way, the only things that arouse me are pornography and gay thoughts and that's so weird it makes me so confused but I know it's not real, however I read an article online that talked about how porn can desensitize your brain and induce HOCD that's why I'm taking a break from porn and masturbation, you should try as well.

Yup. Deleting this app. I can’t anymore. Y’all have a good one. I’m going to just go.

Yeah man...maybe this just triggered me bc I was thinking I let this foolishness go on for too long and then I heard you. Im going to just try to live authentically. No matter what we say..there’s a fine line between HOCD and denial....and I’m just trying to find that line