I feel like it’s me

@charissepisces2021 It feels like there’s too much proof in my past for it to be the ocd. I have and it works temporarily but then the thoughts come back stronger

@Anonymous2120 Can i ask what exposures have you tried?

@charissepisces2021 I can give you my insta accnt if its really personal. Also i have struggled with pocd . And rocd too

@charissepisces2021 My therapist is having me watch gay content on social media for a few minutes, record myself saying maybe I’m gay, imagining myself kissing my best friend (since it all started with something that happened with her) all while not letting myself ruminate

@Anonymous2120 Thats good you have a therapist, and those exposures are good. I would keep at it, but i also had the same problem where the ocd would just come back. Maybe you are still giving into compulsions still. Sometimes i would do an exposure and i would just tolerate it but i wouldnt really process it. I had to actually accept the uncertainty that i didnt know if i was a pedo or not. You said you dont even know what you are, maybe just accept that right now you feel kinda numb about the whole situation. The point of exposure is to help you accept the uncertainty and not find answers!! And when you feel that horrible feeling of doom and doubt, its helpful to just sit with it, like really dig deep. Unfortunately you gotta lean into the sharp edges. This is just a guess but maybe deep down you are afraid of not being with the right person, and its not really about gayness..but about something else? Im not sure. I feel like a lot of us who struggle with this disorder are attached to idealism. I know that i am, but not saying yoy are its just food for thought. sorry that was a lot lol

@charissepisces2021 Do you feel like you’ve been recovering from yours? I do still slip into compulsions :( it’s because what I do the most is compulsively (sometimes not) imagine myself in scenarios with women to see if I’d enjoy it. I find myself doing that a lot, and sometimes it really does feel like I enjoy them and sometimes I’m like wait no I don’t want that. Or vice versa I imagine myself with a man and it feels like I’m forcing it 😞 so that feeling is what fuels it and makes it so hard to try to accept the uncertainty. Maybe it is idealism, before all this it was so effortless in my relationship and we were perfect. Very rarely I find myself feeling warm and happy with my bf again but that attraction is still missing and it triggers me :( I’m sorry I’m ranting

@Anonymous2120 - I do the exact same thing! And I have had this OCD subtype for as long as I remember!

@Anonymousesti What feelings come up for you when you do the compulsions?

@Anonymous2120 - When I imagine these scenarios I just feel « more » than what I feel with my bf and it triggers me a lot. Its like i understand what the breakup songs or the love songs talk about but at the same time I’m like so I dont love my bf? All of this has been a lie? So now I just try not to think about it and whatever happens happens. Although I do feel very guilty at times because my bf loves me to death and I just wanna feel the same way for him.

@Anonymous2120 - What about you?

@Anonymousesti To be honest i havent been in a relationship for years so i dont know. All i know is that i recovered from my pocd, and i how i recovered, it took a long time. Ironically i didn't do exposures all the time. I did them enough, and i resisted doing compulsions as well (and i delberately recognized them and called them out) but i did things that i enjoyed doing like playing piano or doing art. Helping others also helps you feel better about yourself and gives you a break. Its like exposures are work outs and distracting your mind is like recovery time from doing those exposures. Pretty soon a year will pass and you'll realize you havent obsessed. The best i can say is be aware of yourself and be aware of when you are obsessing. Your "scenarios" in your head are compulsions, the "seeing if you like it" is a reassurance seeking compulsion (im sure you know). Then you get the phantom feelings. Those are not real just so ya know. But its just a matter of regaining control, you do have choice to give those thoughts or feelings power. Rn they do have a lot of power because they have a lot of momentum so little by little you stop feeding the wolf and it will starve. This is a hard journey no doubt but believe me you are completely capable of this. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind

@Anonymous2120 Also i did the opposite of what my anxiety wanted which seems fd up but i actually did come to a place where i accepted being a pedo, like i am not saying that i accepted it as the right thing but i realized that if i am this thing then there are therapists and people that could help me and i would then heal, and i also realized if i was a pedo then i would not hurt children even if i wanted to, bc i dont wanna hurt children

@Anonymous2120 I do exactly this, but I’m a guy and I have HOCD

@Anonymousesti I feel more than what I should feel w my bf too. And ugh same ab the break up songs. I never paid attention to lyrics like that (I always liked a song for the rhythm and melody) but since the ocd started the break up songs hurt a lot more. I relate to the last part a lot :( he loves me so much and I felt the same way at some point (I think) and I wanna feel that again for him but I don’t rn. Sometimes im with him when my brain puts images of women in my head and draws me back even more and then I feel worse cause it feels like that’s what I want instead

@Anonymous How long have you had it for?

@charissepisces2021 I appreciate your responses. It’s really hard sometimes to put it into perspective when I’m in the midst of a really bad cycle, but I feel okay right now. I’ve managed to not obsess so much today even though I’m SO tempted to. Those phantom feelings kill me, the fact that it genuinely feels like I want it. Like even my brains telling my I want it not just my body. Especially when I’m with my partner and it’s hard to even picture a life with him right now.

@Anonymous2120 I got it like last year, but the first couple months it was on and off, had like a 20 day period where I barely thought of it. Last 6 months have been horrible and take up all of my day

@Anonymous2120 Im so sorry. Believe me i know the feeling. Its crippling. I can really function at all during those times. Its really rare now but i do still get bad phases