Please help I am a teenage girl diagnosed with OCD (pure O-HOCD) but recently I’ve been experiencing unrelenting doubt that it may not be HOCD and I may actually be a lesbian/bisexual. I am writing to get an opinion off of fellow sufferers to see if this sounds like OCD to you or just plain denial. Until these thoughts started I don’t remember doubting my sexuality or even thinking about it I always just assumed I was straight. I have had 5 major crushes on boys throughout my teenage years and that is all I have paid attention to. I was obsessed with them and would cry all the time because they either didn’t like me back or broke my heart. I was obsessed with Big Time Rush and One Direction when I was like 8-12 years old. I used to have hundreds of posters of Kendall and Harry and would imagine marrying them and having kids. This is all I wanted. However when it came to normal real life boys I didn’t see the craze. When I was 12 me and my friends would go to discos and all they wanted to do was to kiss boys. I didn’t see why to me it seemed disgusting I just wanted to go home and watch One Direction videos. One night when I was 12 years old during summer time (July) I was lying awake in bed and suddenly this thought just popped into my head “what if you don’t want to kiss boys because you’re gay?” I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach I was terrified. I had never had a problem with lesbians I just didn’t share there values and didn’t think of myself as the same as them. This thought stayed in my head for about two months before going away because my anxiety started focusing on health OCD (I began having obsessions I had lung cancer and was going to die. ) Another reason the thoughts went away in 2014 was because I developed a huge crush on this guy on my road. He was 3 years older than me but I thought he was so cute and he dressed so alternative like me and I loved it. Over the years the thoughts came and went but I never really focused on them. I kissed 3 boys but never anyone I knew/really fancied so it kind of meant nothing to me. I had short relationships with boys. One boy asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I thought I fancied him but immediately when I got home I got a disgusting panicky feeling in my stomach that I didn’t really like him and I had the urge to break up with him. I was in a 2 month not very serious relationship with the only boy I think I’ve ever loved last year. He broke my heart badly and it took my ages to recover. However the thoughts returned last summer and since then I’ve had them non-stop for the last year and they’ve been so much worse since I had them in 2014 when I was 12. I started thinking back to my childhood for signs. When I was 11 or 12 I used to be fascinated with looking at sports illustrated covers or girls in lingerie on Instagram. I remember getting some sort of arousal because I felt like what I was doing was forbidden and sexual. However I have no recollection of looking at the girls faces or wanting to kiss them, be with them, take care of them etc. Is this how lesbians feel? During my younger years I was also always that friend who was very possessive of my best friend. I admired girls in my school a lot and really wanted to be there friend if they were super pretty or popular. If they gave me attention or wanted to be my friend I would get this warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach however I never once wanted to kiss them, be with them, etc. This still sometimes happens today. When my intrusive thoughts came back I looked into my childhood memories and started thinking this was actually attraction and how could I be so stupid for not noticing. However it terrified me and made me cry. I didn’t want to be attracted to girls but I felt like I always was and being a lesbian for me was inevitable. I went to therapy last year and have been admitted to hospital. I have been attending weekly sessions in hospital for the past year and have been diagnosed with OCD and intrusive thoughts. However OCD is the doubting disease and I feel like the doctors have messed up and I might in fact be gay :( I am always testing my attraction. I kiss random boys at concerts and don’t feel aroused so I panic. I get turned on when girls finger themselves in movies or do anything sexual. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. The male body doesn’t turn me on as much as the female. I don’t want to be in a lesbian relationship though and I fear I will be unhappy forever if I decide to live this way. I have lost all feelings and attraction for boys I once fancied, celebrities I loved, or boys I felt in love with. I have never been obsessed with female celebrities the way I have with male. All my friends are having sex, giving blow jobs, etc and it all feels scary and kind of gross to me. Help I just want these thoughts to go away!!! I would love honest opinions in the comments if you think I’m gay or is this HOCD because honestly I feel I need to move on in my life this has been going on a year non stop. What do you think??????