Vent

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

So I’ve noticed that my OCD has calmed down, I’m getting less intrusive thoughts but I feel more uncertain than ever. Is this normal for recovery?

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!