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Username: Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

Existential and Death Obsessions

Ever since my mom had a recent health scare, I've been obsessing over the inevitability of death, of the people around me, of my loved ones, and of my own. Looking at historical figures, hearing about dead people triggers a lot of these obsessions. Combined with the fact that I'm agnostic, and do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, so a thought that constantly appears and distresses me is the fact that when someone dies, they don't exist anymore, and they wouldn't know they existed. I've been struggling with these thoughts for a few months now, everytime I'm laughing or having fun with someone, an intrusive thought such as "They're going to die one day, and none of this would matter" would pop up, and it prevents me from grounding myself and enjoying the moment with loved ones. It makes me feel alone, and scared. I don't tell anyone about my thoughts, and I do not seek reassurance from them because I know it doesn't help. Some days it's okay, some days it isn't. On really bad days, I secretly wish that I would pass away before anyone that I cherish does so I won't have to bear the pain of losing them. I'm only 19 years old. And I know that my entire life is ahead of me, but with these thoughts, it's hard to visualize my life, and that it's worth living for sometimes. Ever since these thoughts appeared, I lost the ability to make long term plans, and visualize a future that I want because the thoughts tell me that none of it will matter. I know deep inside that what I do matters, and that I matter as well. But these thoughts cloud my judgement, and it takes a toll on me because of how persistent they can be. It's really hard to deal with these thoughts because death is a real concept, something that *will* happen. And because of these obsessions, I've become nihilistic, and I slowly lose the drive to accomplish anything. But I do try to live my life as normal as possible. Do the things I want to do, despite the heavy burden that I carry with me each day.

Username: raenasadskiraenasadski

Date posted: 49w ago

I don't have any advice, but came here to let you know I also struggle with these thoughts. They never used to bother me so much and would come and go like clouds. However recently they come and come and come and I can't even enjoy what I'm doing anymore because I start to think "What am I even doing this for? Isn't it pointless?" And my compulsions are mostly mental because I'll start almost arguing with my thoughts to prove them wrong or prove that I have something to live for. I'm scared that if I feel there's no point to anything that it'll lead me to off myself and that triggers some major feelings of anxiety.

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

I understand that feeling all too well. And the thoughts don't disappear no matter how many times you try to rationalize them. I stopped trying to convince myself that there are things to live for (even though deep inside I do) because it really doesn't make these thoughts appear any leas frequent... I'd say that it only makes them worse in my own observation

Username: raenasadskiraenasadski

Date posted: 49w ago

@Vulpus I keep catching my brain automatically going through a list of reasons why life is amazing and then I'll get thoughts on top of those that are like "Yeah but what if I don't actually care about those reasons". Drives me insane lol I've worried about how I'm going to cope when everyone I love who is older than me passes away (like grandparents and parents) and then I wonder to myself if they've struggled with what I'm dealing with. That's a trigger in itself for me; imagining that my grandma has had intrusive thoughts about the point of life.

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

@raenasadski I wonder too as well, if these older people experience these thoughts. I get so tempted to ask other people about their thoughts on death and how they cope with it, especially the older generation. But something inside me compels me not to do it because I know that in some way it's a form of reassurance seeking, and I don't think it's helpful, and it will become a cycle if we aren't too careful with it

Username: midnightcat98midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

im currently going through this myself, even as a person who believes in God, I fail to find that feeling of knowing for sure. It's a horribly intense grief.

Username: midnightcat98midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

@midnightcat98 it's not necessarily the most rational coping mechanism, but I feel better when I think about how ageing has changed in recent decades and how many medical advances have been achieved in recent decades. the idea of growing old and dying seems to be transforming before our eyes - who knows what happens to humans in the years to come?

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

The way I think existential OCD works is that it doesn't matter if you believe or not, or if you have the answer. It's the fact that you are uncertain if it's true, as you say "failing to find that feeling of knowing for sure." OCD doesn't like uncertainty, it wants answers, and as a compulsion it forces you to seek them out through exploring. Or, for believers of a spiritual being, it can be through constant prayers of reassurance to dispel the thoughts. With all that being said, I'm sorry that you have to go through that as well. It really isn't easy, and it's exhausting having to deal with them constantly

Username: midnightcat98midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

@Vulpus the thing is im so anxious over it i dont think any certainty could satisfy me. ive had relatives have very positive near death experiences when they passed, but the anxiety remains. i wish more than anything that somehow we could discover the answer, although finding out the answer gives me enormous dread

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

@midnightcat98 I wasn't always afraid of death, and the fact that there was no certain answer as to what happens after was something that even excited me, it was a journey. But ever since these thoughts appeared, things changed for me. It's important to realize that these thoughts don't necessarily reflect who you are and what you actually believe in. OCD thoughts are skilled when it comes to warping your perception, and no amount of logical answers and rationalization is ever going to satisfy its desire for answers and certainty.

Username: raenasadskiraenasadski

Date posted: 49w ago

For me, I'm scared of what their answers will be. Like what if their answers are depressing or not "good enough" to my brain. They seem to really lean on family and their grandkids, but I'm having a hard time even with that notion because I see old folks who don't have anybody and they're still going.

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

Mhm, yes, it seems like a pattern with these thoughts, every time you think you have the answer to push away the thoughts, you begin to question it's validity, and you start over again.

Username: KristinK320KristinK320

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 45w ago

I just want to thank everyone for commenting here, I’m really struggling with this type of thinking right now and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. ♥️

Username: midnightcat98midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

i would also say nihilism is not the answer. although i didn't agree with the sum of its parts where she concluded that there is no God from her experiences, julia sweeney's show about atheism ends with "if this is all there is, it means more, not less"

Username: Vulpus Vulpus

Date posted: 49w ago

In terms of nihilism, I'm not too fond of the concept, and maybe it's because I'm leaning towards the negative side of it e.g "You'll die anyway, so what's the point of living." I think that there is a positive side to nihilism, but mine is a product of pessimistic instrusive thoughts that just fill me up with dread and fear.

Username: midnightcat98midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

@Vulpus this could be a symptom of depression and could worsen, so please monitor this type of thinking.

Username: l_stark08l_stark08

Date posted: 9w ago

Hi! I know it been a crazy long time but if you see this comment, I’m going g through the same thing right now and I’ve never been more terrified. I feel very alone and can’t see a way out of this, and since it’s been a while, did you ever get past these thoughts and are they better? No one I know seems to have gone through this exactly but your experience is the closest I’ve seen to what I’m going through right now

Username: halle2003

Date posted: 1y ago

existental ocd

Does anyone else think about life so deeply all the time, i have always been a deep thinker since i was young and ive had ocd my whole life so that has made me think 10x deeper. I always think and worry how we are all here and nobody knows why and the fact that we all die also terrifies me and we dont know what happens after we do die. Im terrified of the people i love dying . but i also have suicide ocd, i dont want to hurt myself ever but i worry that if i become so depressed that i will or something like that and that turned into an ocd for me, i really dont want to ever hurt myself but feeling depressed scares me. For years now it has been an ocd thing for me about the people i love dying and i have to do mental complusions every single day , although it comes in phases where its worse than others. It has gotten worse because my dad just turned 50 and i turn 19 in 6 days, life is changing and everyone is getting older and its been making me depressed and anxious and theres nothing i can do about it because it is life. I just want to know if other people feel the same also. Its christmas eve and im just depressed and i dont know why.

Username: reaganmarie

Date posted: 50w ago

Existential OCD

For the past week-ish I have been having a really scary existential crisis that feels like it is stemming from ocd. It started with me being freaking out that i’m going to die one day, then it merge into me being freaked out about what was going to happen after I die (mostly the thought of nothingness). I found some very brief relief in some spiritual beliefs and watching psychic medium readings but then I started think about even bigger and harder to answer questions such as, “if there is a God, who created God?”, “Is the afterlife scary?”, “Could the afterlife end one day?” “What is the point of anything at all?”, “Will the sun exploding destroy whatever afterlife exist?” Really ridiculous questions. I truly believe that there is something after death and something that exists as a life force science cannot explain, but the fact that my mind can’t comprehend or figure it out is really really scary. I feel as if I am going crazy. I have been thinking about nothing but the universe and the meaning behind it all and where it all came from. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I just want to lay in bed all day and even that is hard. I have been non-stop watching videos about people’s beliefs about this topic trying desperately to find some sort of answer and I am starting to think that may be a compulsion. I am trying my best to remind myself that I when I die I will have all the answers to these questions and I don’t need to worry about this right now because it truly doesn’t affect anything or change anything in my life but it is really hard. I feel as if I have “uncovered” something and my life will never return to normal again. I am terrified that I am going to go crazy or start having hallucinations and that I’ve ruined my life by researching into something so complex and not understandable at all. Any kind of suggestions or anything would be helpful, I hate dealing with this and feeling so crazy and hopeless.

Username: midnightcat98

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

Obsession with death

Hi all, first post. Long time health and somatic ocd sufferer, now debilitated with anxiety and a new depression over death - not in a suicidal way - and the afterlife. I can't accept that everyone I love will die, or just human mortality in general. I am grieving something very intensely that hasn't even happened yet. I can't stop thinking about the unstoppable march of time towards death. I can't accept the idea that what is so special in this world - or my world - will be erased. I feel like I will never get over this. I do have beliefs - I'm a progressive Christian, and family members of mine have had experiences of deceased family members on their deathbeds. However, my OCD mind cannot accept uncertainty. How can I - or anyone - be okay if we don't know what happens when people die? I feel like I'm going absolutely insane, and I will never be happy again.

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Existential and Death Obsessions

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