Existential and Death Obsessions

I understand that feeling all too well. And the thoughts don't disappear no matter how many times you try to rationalize them. I stopped trying to convince myself that there are things to live for (even though deep inside I do) because it really doesn't make these thoughts appear any leas frequent... I'd say that it only makes them worse in my own observation

@Vulpus I keep catching my brain automatically going through a list of reasons why life is amazing and then I'll get thoughts on top of those that are like "Yeah but what if I don't actually care about those reasons". Drives me insane lol I've worried about how I'm going to cope when everyone I love who is older than me passes away (like grandparents and parents) and then I wonder to myself if they've struggled with what I'm dealing with. That's a trigger in itself for me; imagining that my grandma has had intrusive thoughts about the point of life.

@raenasadski I wonder too as well, if these older people experience these thoughts. I get so tempted to ask other people about their thoughts on death and how they cope with it, especially the older generation. But something inside me compels me not to do it because I know that in some way it's a form of reassurance seeking, and I don't think it's helpful, and it will become a cycle if we aren't too careful with it

@midnightcat98 it's not necessarily the most rational coping mechanism, but I feel better when I think about how ageing has changed in recent decades and how many medical advances have been achieved in recent decades. the idea of growing old and dying seems to be transforming before our eyes - who knows what happens to humans in the years to come?

The way I think existential OCD works is that it doesn't matter if you believe or not, or if you have the answer. It's the fact that you are uncertain if it's true, as you say "failing to find that feeling of knowing for sure." OCD doesn't like uncertainty, it wants answers, and as a compulsion it forces you to seek them out through exploring. Or, for believers of a spiritual being, it can be through constant prayers of reassurance to dispel the thoughts. With all that being said, I'm sorry that you have to go through that as well. It really isn't easy, and it's exhausting having to deal with them constantly

@Vulpus the thing is im so anxious over it i dont think any certainty could satisfy me. ive had relatives have very positive near death experiences when they passed, but the anxiety remains. i wish more than anything that somehow we could discover the answer, although finding out the answer gives me enormous dread

@midnightcat98 I wasn't always afraid of death, and the fact that there was no certain answer as to what happens after was something that even excited me, it was a journey. But ever since these thoughts appeared, things changed for me. It's important to realize that these thoughts don't necessarily reflect who you are and what you actually believe in. OCD thoughts are skilled when it comes to warping your perception, and no amount of logical answers and rationalization is ever going to satisfy its desire for answers and certainty.

Mhm, yes, it seems like a pattern with these thoughts, every time you think you have the answer to push away the thoughts, you begin to question it's validity, and you start over again.

In terms of nihilism, I'm not too fond of the concept, and maybe it's because I'm leaning towards the negative side of it e.g "You'll die anyway, so what's the point of living." I think that there is a positive side to nihilism, but mine is a product of pessimistic instrusive thoughts that just fill me up with dread and fear.

@Vulpus this could be a symptom of depression and could worsen, so please monitor this type of thinking.