Feeling really suicidal with my ocd

I’ve been living with this horrible illness officially for 11 of the 20 years I’ve been alive and I feel like the older I get the worse it gets and it’s killing me. I just want some relief I’m in so much pain. This illness has hurt myself, my fiends, my family, and has even caused the man I love who also has ocd to break up with me. I feel like I’m a lost cause and I hate it. I don’t know who I can trust anymore and I just feel so broken. HELP

Have any of you been stuck in what feels like an OCD loop? It’s like being held hostage by OCD. It’s like everything becomes a trigger. Like there isn’t a part of the day where I’m not having intrusive thoughts because it’s the only thing my brain can think about. So every conversation I’m thinking of horrible things I could say, every time I pet my dog think of things I could do to hurt her, anytime I drive I think of hitting pedestrians, every time I’m alone I think of ways I could hurt myself. It honestly feels like my brains on fire I’m starting to think I might have some kind of destructive brain tumour because I can’t comprehend how this can all be mental illness. It’s the ‘urge’ I can’t deal with it feels so real. I’ve had mental illness and likely OCD my whole life but nothing has ever made me feel as scared and hopeless as this. I’ve been having horrible migraine attacks daily for months and I think the trigger is the stress and anxiety these thoughts cause. I feel like I can never rest. It’s like my head is caught in a vice and my eye sight is constant flashes and static. Blood tests normal and two eye tests back normal. I can barely work as my whole job is computer based. I don’t even know how I would begin to do ERP because it feels like I’d have to tackle EVERYTHING about being alive! I also don’t think I have any compulsions. If I do none of them provide any relief so it’s basically just me feeling like I’m going insane every single day since October. It’s impossible to relax when my brain thinks we’re either going to die of a brain tumour or going insane and hurting myself against my will or doing something to someone else that would mean I would have to kill myself. My brain honestly believes it’s inevitable I won’t be along for much longer and it’s petrifying. I don’t know how to get better until I can reset my body to get out of this cycle. How am I supposed to move forward when my brain and body is in constant fight and flight? Does anybody relate? My brain doesn’t even believe this is OCD anymore… I guess this is reassurance but I’m having such a terrible time.

Im so tired. I don't know how will i feel better. I tried everything but i feel so bad. My heart hurts and i can't breathe. I feel stressed for no reason. Im so tired. Im really tired of everything. I want to pray without stress. I want to be in a relationship, be a healthy and good partner without stress. Im so tired. Is it normal for OCD to be active for EVERYDAY? What if i upset, use, idealize, hurt, be obsessed, cheat my partner? What if i can't stay loyal to God and be a bad servant? Or what if God takes my partner away from me? Relationship and religious ocd, but sometimes pure, meta, s.o and more. This shit is taking my life away and i can't stand that anymore. I can't do it. I can't get a therapist. It's so expensive. No one here to help me. I feel like the worst servant, worst partner and worst daughter, sister in the world. I want to accept myself but OCD makes me feel like i don't deserve to live. Im so tired. I can't even look at enviroment. I walk by looking at FLOOR because everyone and everything triggers me. I feel so horrible. I always feel like something bad will happen or something is wrong. I misrecognizing my partner or others because of OCD. OCD makes me feel like everyone hates me. Even writing here makes me feel guilty for no reason.