- Date posted
- 1y
Extreme fear of schizophrenia/hypochondria theme
To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months Iāve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope itās just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic ādelusional thoughtsā. Like āwhat if my wife is a demonā āwhat if my cat is a demonā āthis song has demonic energyā āthe face that person made was demonicā āthis house has negative demonic energyā āwhat if you are possessedā āwhat if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energyā, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of ānegative energyā or feels eerie or ādemonicā, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I canāt watch anything on YouTube anymore, I canāt listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, Iām a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when Iām really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like Iām in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all, yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel almost real. When Iām in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but itās very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that Iām even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I canāt enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?