@lovelover i’m genuinely grateful for the reply, it’s definitely helpful to acknowledge i’m not alone.
i’ve experienced adverse childhood experiences which were intrinsically part of a wider context of generational and developmental trauma.
this year, i’ve learned with Dr. Gabo Maté that trauma is formed by overwhelming adversities that happens to us as well as by not meeting an infant’s needs.
to me, i can recall being exposed to prolonged and repetitive adversities from a truly premature age, and adding that i grew up not having access to the proper care, nurturing and community fostering that would assist me to respond to my wounds in a healthy manner — the problem was set up.
and here’s where OCD comes — on survival mode, my brain has elaborated its own resources to navigate life, but despite its genuine intentions of keeping me sane and safe, it has came up with dysfunctional ways to do so.
there’s a sensation of helplessness that has been around for me as long as i could apprehend myself as a living being, and then, needing to solve it logically (even though i wasn’t even lettered yet) as well as dissociating myself physically and emotionally came as a coping mechanism.
as soon as i got to adulthood, more obvious OCD symptoms came to the surface, mainly as internal compulsions forms of it: Pure O, POCD, ROCD, Moral Scrupulosity, False Memory, etc.
at this point, OCD and CTPSD interact to the point it’s hard for me to discern what’s one and what’s the other.
i’m struggling a lot, and i’ve also learned valuable lessons about myself and life. spirituality, nurturing safe bounds, counting on a skillful community helps a lot — nevertheless, it does get exhausting, confusing and unbearable.
the only thing any of it hasn’t taken away from me is hope, hope for us all.
