Username: Nicolenight

Date posted: 50w ago

Moral scrupulosity around real events

Struggling with scrupulosity around real events. It makes me want to kill myself. Some days I just feel the need to either be locked up or killed. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. I know there are people who love me and want me alive, but I can’t help but think it would make things better if I were dead. I thought about harming myself again after a few years of being clean. I don’t want to but I feel like I have to for the greater good. Like I’m being just by punishing myself for feeling like a bad person. I can’t stand myself. I want my life to feel like one worth living. People tell me to stop wasting my time and just be happy. They don’t know how hard that is. I wish people could see into my mind and see how much I’m struggling.

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

Read the book of Job in the bible. This helped me understand that a lot of bad things can happen and our lives can feel overwhelming but that doesn't mean we aren't loved by God or deserve our suffering. It does seem unfair but some of us are given this disorder in this life but God will only give us a challenge we can eventually overcome. Try to find your purpose. OCD is a trial and you can overcome it. Having a purpose will keep you going even if it's something as easy as helping others any way you can. I'm no expert but I've dealt with OCD for 25 years and I have improved a lot to the point of recovering. I have just been too scared to confront and battle my OCD completely I think for complete and lasting recovery. I'm finally ready to to give it 100% and it's amazing because the fears that used to bother me are now just minor annoyances after successful ERP and resisting any compulsions. Working with a therapist is helpful because they help me to understand all the thoughts that are my own and ones that stem from OCD.

Username: OCDisnotmeOCDisnotme

Date posted: 50w ago

I’m so sorry, I know how you feel. I went to a mental health facility for my ocd and depression and it really helped. It was just for a week.

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

I'm sorry you're struggling. I've suffered with scrupulosity too so it's made my relationship with God difficult but I do know God wouldn't want you to harm yourself or punish yourself. With prayer just when I think I'm at my breaking point I slowly started to improve. I see my struggles as my journey in life to learn even though it's not a challenge I want or asked for. Approach OCD as a challenge that you will conquer. Start with changing your mindset and I believe life will improve. With the right tools it can be done as I have improved a lot of my scrupulosity obsessions by just accepting they may be true and living with the uncertainty. You know you have OCD and those feelings of guilt, shame, and fear come from OCD so with treatment there is way to get better. Have you thought about working with a therapist?

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

A YouTube channel that's helped me a lot is called OCD and Anxiety. Check it out maybe it will help. Also I think a book on CBT would help you because I recognize a lot of negative thinking that's causing you pain. I like to listen to audio books on CBT and OCD to help guide me. If you can get a therapist then please do so. I don't know you but I know your pain and understand your suffering as I've lived it. I don't want you to hurt yourself especially when I do know there is a way to recover from OCD. If you ever need to talk I'm happy to help any way I can. If a stranger like me can care enough then I hope you will give it your all and beat this disorder.

Username: Wolfram Wolfram

Date posted: 50w ago

I know how this feels. There is hope for being better. Its tough to navigate on your own or without a therapist, almost impossible unfortunately

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

I think a long time ago I'd agree but now that there is such ease of access anyone can get an OCD course or use an app like NOCD to seek help. Once you know the basics to treat OCD it's pretty simple. The toughest part is actually contlfronting our fears and knowing what compulsions look like.

Username: Wolfram Wolfram

Date posted: 50w ago

@StoicGuy Maybe I was just speaking about my particular experience with it. Was undiagnosed for 27 years. I forget some people have it for a lot less 😅

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

@Wolfram 25 years for me so I completely agree. I was lost as to what to do for a long time when I was younger. There were practically 0 qualified OCD therapists near my location that could treat me.

Username: StoicGuyStoicGuy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w ago

@Wolfram I mean I've had OCD for 25 years not all undiagnosed but there wasn't anyone qualified in ERP that could help me.

Username: muffpuffmuffpuff

Date posted: 49w ago

you don't know how much i relate to this. you aren't alone trust me.

Username: cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

Username: seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

The not knowing that torments me

I mainly struggle with real event and scrupulosity OCD. The things I've boiled it down to that I can't answer are these: - Not knowing what I deserve: this one comes from the infinite philosophies and methods of thinking people have, each different from one another. I know some people out there, even if not as much, will disaprove. Do I deserve to enjoy anything anymore? What pleasure do I still deserve out of life? What standards do I go by? The law? Atheists? Christians? Spiritualists? - Not knowing if I'm a "good person" - Is this guilt excessive or valid? - Is there any other amends I could make? - Did I know better? Was I disadvantaged and didn't really know better because of my age and/or mental illness/Asperger's? - Do I need to confess more? - What if someone brings up the event again later? What will happen? - What if my therapists so far were just extra nice? - What about that one person who said something really negative when you confessed that one time? My torment never ends. I don't want to die, because I have dreams, but I also don't want to live, because I have to deal with this every single day.

Username: LJP05

Date posted: 1y ago

Why can’t it get better

Cw- SI, S/H references I try so hard just to let the thoughts be there and not bother me but they just keep coming back over and over, I don’t trust myself anymore I feel like an evil person and I just want to kill myself I’m so scared that I’m actually what my thoughts say I am, if I am then I will have to kill myself, it feels like a stain on my soul It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering mutilating parts of my body just so I can’t feel anything in those parts or ever use them again I can’t find any relief anywhere, I haven’t felt sure of myself in months, people always tell me it’s okay that I have these thoughts because I don’t want to act on them but my brain keeps saying I do and I would rather kill myself And I’m just so sick of the people saying to accept the uncertainty, I don’t want to have to carry this for the rest of my life I wish I could have literally any other subtype, which I know is selfish of me because everyone else here is suffering too but the stigma and the shame around this one actually sucks the joy out of everything I do

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Moral scrupulosity around real events

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