My husband and I host karaoke. Last night, we had a couple men offer up $200 to get someone in line after we had booked up. Which is ludicrous, and I wouldn’t have accepted it… we’re a local dive bar in the middle of nowhere. So I explained that I would see what I could do, but they didn’t need to pay us. And that we’ve had issues before with accepting money like that and being dragged across the Internet and called greedy.
Some of my singers dropped out of the lineup, so I was able to get that girl a spot. She was 5th in line when a local, well off community member came up and offered us $300 to put her next. I could tell that they were all passionate about hearing her sing, and I touched his hands with the money and said you don’t need to do that, I’ll make her next. Don’t worry about it!
And then he STILL put the money in the tip jar. I practically begged him not to do it. That it wasn’t necessary. And I said I couldn’t accept the money, and he said “yes you can.” He was so kind and hugged me as I cried and thanked him, and he asked “is this going to help yall out?” And I told him yes, and he asked why and I explained that we had a lot of debt. He proceeds to give me another $500. I’m crying, I’m still telling him it’s too much and that I can’t accept it, he’s still telling me I can.
Point being, now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for him to wake up in the morning and regret it or ask for it back, or something wild. I can’t accept good things that happen to me. I’m always waiting for things to go wrong. I feel like I never deserve blessings like this. Me and God have a complicated relationship. Even more so now that I’ve learned that excessive prayer is a compulsion I struggle with. But last night, my husband and I prayed that we would get through the night, physically, mentally and monetarily. Just enough to be able to pay a little bit down on one of our loans we’ve been stuck on. And then this happens.
No naturally, OCD has taken a very strong foothold and has told me I don’t deserve this, that this is going to be taken away, that something bad is going to happen because I accepted this money, that it only happened because I prayed for it and if I stop praying bad things will happen. It’s been a nasty spiral all morning. When I should just be like everyone else and accept the blessing with gratitude and peace, and choose to believe there are good people in the world who want to help people out.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It’s a rough morning (and I even feel guilty for saying that, because I should just be grateful)
