Struggling with intrusive thoughts from pocd and fearing its impact on relationships.

At war with myself

I’m so tired of constantly being in my own head. It’s so hard to explain to the people I love/ love me. I have pocd it started 2 years ago randomly when I was a live-in nanny. I literally got up and left one day. The person I worked for thought I was selfish for leaving but I couldn’t tell her I thought I was protecting her children. From then on I’ve had this parasite (aka ocd). I have hope that things will get better one day but it affects my everyday life and my relationships. I’m scared it’s going to be why me and my boyfriend break up. Which is terrifying because I love him. He knows about the pocd and still supports me. It’s hard to have intrusive sexual thoughts about kids. It gives me immense anxiety and depression. And now after 2 years of torture it’s starting to affect my relationship with my significant other. After 6 months of being with my boyfriend the thought “what if he reminds me of a young person and that’s why I like him?” popped up two days ago. Now I’ve been stressing ever since. I want to be free of this worry in my mind. I just want to feel free in general. I feel so awful everyday. Can anyone relate?

POCD

Username: bekind94bekind94

Date posted: 45w ago

I can relate. I suffer from sexually intrusive questions. I feel awful everyday arguing with my mind. My current obsession is if i was a rapist would i want to rape this person. Im freaked out because the answer feels like yes . I wanna ruminate until I can assure myself its no. I can’t live with the fact I would want to rape someone based off their appearance. I feel i don’t deserve to live. I’ve been in bed all day & called off work.

Username: Delanie:)Delanie:)

Date posted: 45w ago

@bekind94 I completely understand. Rumination is also what I do to try and relieve the anxiety. You’re not alone. It’s crazy because I just wanna be a good person but the ocd scares the shit out of me. I think that it attacks our morals and core values. That’s why it hurts so much. I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time too. I also haven’t been to work. Are you going to go to therapy?

Username: bekind94bekind94

Date posted: 45w ago

@Delanie:) Im in therapy but it’s not ocd related mainly why Im on this app a lot. Hby?

Username: MichaelOLangleyMichaelOLangley

Date posted: 45w ago

hey, i totally feel you on the exhaustion of being caught in your own thoughts all the time. it's really tough when you can't even share the full extent with those closest to you. pocd is such a heavy weight to carry, and i just want to acknowledge the strength it takes to keep going every day, especially when you're dealing with such intense fears about your relationship. 😥 have you heard about "unstuck"? it's an ai therapy tool for folks with ocd (unstuckmyocd.com/try), and it's been a game-changer for me in the past month. another forum member here put me onto it, and honestly, i wish i'd known about it sooner. worth checking out!

Username: Delanie:)Delanie:)

Date posted: 45w ago

@MichaelOLangley Thank you so much for your compassion I will definitely check it out :) I appreciate you

Username: Coop16Coop16

Date posted: 45w ago

Yes! I worked at a school and everything was going fine. I came home one day, and just fell apart. I finished out the second half of the school year and never went back. Every time I see the school secretary, she asks me about coming back and I tell her I would love to and I will keep an eye out for openings, but I just can’t bring myself to go back or apply for any job similar. It sucks.

Username: Delanie:)Delanie:)

Date posted: 45w ago

@Coop16 Yes exactly. It’s crazy how random it is but the affect is tremendous. I’m here to talk if you need to!

Username: h.1

Date posted: 5y ago

Someone please read this. I’m suffering a lot with pocd. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It truly makes me feel evil and disgusting and I’ve never hated myself more. The worst part is I have a younger sister who I absolutely adore obviously but now I’m afraid to be around any younger kids even though I know they’re just scary thoughts. I can’t help but think that I should stay away from them even if I have just had these thoughts cross my mind. I feel like this feeling is never going to go away and it’s ruining my life I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t live with this ‘secret’ because I feel like I’m hiding an evil trait. And I can’t stress enough how much I know that they’re not my true thoughts and of course I think it is disgusting and the most vile thing I could think of. And I think that’s why it distresses me so much, because it’s my worst nightmare. But never the less the thoughts are still haunting me no matter what. I really need help because I can’t imagine living with this forever but I can never see it fully going away. When I think about the future even, I feel like I can’t live the life I want because all I’ve ever been sure of is that I want to be a mum and now I feel like I cannot be. What can I do, I feel so helpless and out of control of my own mind.

POCD

Username: hope

Date posted: 3y ago

trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts and fear, it’s so hard. i don’t want this. i just want to go back to my normal self who only focused on what i wanted to and not this shell of who i use to be dying to just live again. pocd is the worst theme, it’s taken over my life. every move i make i am just overthinking everything. my brain tells me lies and sometimes i am so afraid i question if i am just “in denial” it’s so terrifying. i feel so so so much guilt, i would and could never hurt a child, it hurts me to even think about it. it makes me feel evil that i have intrusive thoughts. my brain tells me i am “attracted” to kids even though i know i am not, it’s hell. i’ve been having a huge flare up, maybe bc i am on my period, but it’s super difficult lately. i visited my nephew this weekend and i had so much fun, but of course my pocd ruined it and put intrusive thoughts in my head and said i was “attracted” AND I AM NOT, i was disgusting like ACTUALLY HORRIFIED. i wanted to go home so badly and when i got home i just felt so much guilt. pocd has ruined me. i want to be a mom, i want to be an amazing aunt. why is this disorder attacking me so much. :(

POCD

Username: CJW-182

Date posted: 35w ago

POCD

I’ve been struggling with POCD since I was 18 years old, I am now 22. It’s terrifying how quickly it switched from my ocd focusing on a fear of pregnancy, to magical thinking ocd, and then to POCD. I’ve been suffering with it so much so that I’ve convinced myself and have lost friends due to confession compulsions. I have major issues with ruminating, and it frequently goes hand in hand with my relationship OCD and my Suicidal thoughts OCD. (Worrying my partner will leave me because what if I am, and that I can’t take this anymore so I have to __) I often experience things like shame, guilt, grief, and intense emotional pain that manifests itself into nausea and heartburn and sometimes headaches. I’ve tried everything, so this app really is my last resort. I wish to find community here, to know that what I’m facing I’m not alone in my battles with. I know that I’m not, so why does my brain work so hard telling me I am? I love children, I always have. But I get so afraid of being near them. I want to get better. I want to be able to spend time with my family again.

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Struggling with intrusive thoughts from pocd and fearing its impact on relationships.

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