So I am new to this. I’ve always been diagnosed with GAD, depression, panic disorder, and am in recovery from SUD for 5 years. But about 6 months ago I started having thoughts during rumination of being a horrible mom. During that time, I couldn’t stop the thoughts. Then I started thinking, “what if something horrible happens to her?” And from there it went “what if I do something horrible to her?” I was terrified by that thought and now anytime my panic picks up my mind goes back to that thought. I’ve done a lot of reading and even talked to my doctor about this. I started back on my SSRI medication & it is managed more now. But every now and then this thought comes back and scares me as much as it did the first time, and when it does I obsess over it. “Why do I think like this? I must be a horrible person, etc.”

My heart hurts so much right now. I am a mother of two and I am afraid to be near my children. Two weeks ago, everything was fine. I never had an intrusive thought about them at all. My mother recently told me that my father SA’ed me and I do not remember it because I was too little to remember. Well, while trying to cope with that information… I had a terrible intrusive thought. “What if I become like my father?” “What if you’re attracted to you kids?” I instantly felt sick, I threw up and then I could NOT stop thinking. I keep getting this horrible sinking feeling near them. I keep crying and missing how simple it was before. I love them so much and it’s only pure mother love. I don’t even have any urges it makes no sense why I can’t let this thought go. I just want to go back to being their mommy. I was looking at videos of when they were tiny babies or even from a few weeks ago and just crying because it was just simple and life was amazing and I cherished my children… now I am afraid to be near them. I told my boyfriend because I was having such terrible anxiety from this and I’ve been in a dark place. He knows I’ve had other obsessions and panic attacks so he is being very helpful through this. He says he trusts me and knows I would never harm our kids. But I keep feeling so guilty for even having this thought at all.

Hi all. I opened up to my psychiatrist today (my therapist and ocd therapist know) about the intrusive thoughts I've been having. The one thought would pop up over and over "child porn" and it made me so sick to my stomach because I can't believe I would think of such a thing. Then the thoughts were more dark like thinking of touching my son and even images of that happening..then came urges...and i felt so guilty and disgusted with myself :( after I told my psychiatrist ( who is currently treating me for bipolar 1) he was so concerned and told me I need to stay with my mom to make sure my son is safe. To not trust myself and have someone watch me. Well that made me feel a whole lot worse! The thoughts were actually subsiding this week and talking about it with him made the "child porn" thought pop up again. I just feel like I'm failing at life and as a mother. My immediate family think I should turn myself into a mental health facility and have intensive treatment. They think because I have those thoughts that I want to act on them or to let it go. I don't want to act on them and would never! Im scared of my thoughts and thats the problem. This is so frustrating.

I have had what I think is Harm OCD since the age of 10. My mom didn’t understand when I told her “I feel like I might kill someone” which ultimately led to me suffering in silence until the age of 20 where I was just diagnosed with GAD. Since being on Zoloft for over 10 years I did relatively well. I would have small flair ups, but was able to pull myself out of it. Now, since having my second child, I have completely relapse and I struggle almost daily. I was weaned off of Zoloft and put on Lexapro. Which seemed to work and now I’m back to square one. TL;DR My thought is that I would choke my children. It sometimes almost feels like and urge (my hands feel weird). This is the last think I ever want to do and it causes me distress to the point of panic. TW: Sucide. Sometimes I think it’s better if I’m just not here because I wouldn’t be a danger to my children. I often think about movies like shutter island and think I am like that mother. Or real some real like mother that drown her children that I saw on the news when I was a kid. It has also turned into Psychosis OCD at times where I am so afraid I am developing psychosis and that I would hurt my kids from that. Which comes with its whole own set of “rules” and fears. I’m just trying to find some confirmation that this is actually ocd or if I have something else. I’m just struggling. Thanks for reading.