No motivation or self care

I’m scared of everything. I’ve been diagnosed with severe OCD, GAD, MDD, panic disorder, BPD, PTSD and OCPD. I get really upset when people say “I’m so OCD”. I start feeling bad because here I am stuck in bed while people who are just neatfreaks glorify this illness. I’ve been hospitalized several times, took meds, have seen multiple therapists including the ERP specialist, and have tried different types of therapy including the ERP, talk therapy, DBT, ACT and some other thing my insurance recommended me. At first I was getting better but now I’m stuck in bed again. I have difficulty with a lot of things such as contamination fear and fear of losing, forgetting, dropping things. Even as I write this I’m scared I’m forgetting to write something. At one point I had to write down everything that was said to me. At one point I didn’t trust myself enough to do things like cleaning that I had to record myself. At one point I had to shower after using the bathroom every time. Those are under control...for now but now I have to face new obsessions. I’m scared of stupid things like chocolate and crying. I know what’s garbage but hard to throw out because what if there’s something important inside the folds of the plastic/paper bags. There’s always something that triggers my anxiety. Getting out of bed has gotten easier but getting back into my bed is exhausting with my rituals. I’ve tried leaving the apartment and on good days I would just feel nausea but push through. On a bad day I would get really sick with nausea. And on a really bad day I won’t feel anything and go through with getting ready, about to leave my bedroom heading towards the door and I have a complete melt down. I can’t even sleep without having to do my compulsion of writing down my dreams. On a good night I do this three times. So I’m always tired. I’ve tried to stop and have succeeded when I was working with the ERP specialist. My insurance has expired, I can’t get a job let alone leave my bed to go get any assistance, I’ve tried work from home but everything is difficult. I was a bridal consultant, artist/designer. I’ve also tutored Japanese online but it’s not enough to get the “residential level care” that the ERP therapist had told me I need. The insurance won’t pay for additional treatments with the specialist so I’m stuck. And what sucks is that my PTSD has become stronger which makes doing everyday tasks even more difficult (if that makes sense). What makes everything even more difficult is that I can’t do anything to help animals in need. I’m an advocate-have volunteered, rescued, spread awareness, sign petitions etc and all of these add up to my feeling of guilt and shame that I can’t put my passion of wanting to help animals before my OCD fear. I have a dream. I have a goal. I want to have my catcafe and work with high risk shelters to eliminate euthanasia while I save to start my own animal sanctuary. I’m sorry this has become a long post but I needed to vent to people who would understand and not have to explain why OCD is more than just “get over it” or “just stop your compulsions”.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has made me so drained thinking of all the thing I think I did and all the things I think I want to do that I am SEVERELY depressed. I don’t have a life anymore. I work only part time and just sit in bed all day crying or feeling so empty I can’t cry. I have ZERO motivation to do anything. Even if I’m hungry I can’t get out of bed. This eventually results in me going to work at 5pm having eaten NOTHING all day. I am in constant pain due to health issues, type 1 diabetes and PKD. I want to be a novelist and I can feel that slipping away as I haven’t written in over 2 years. My memory is getting worse due to sugar fluctuations and my depression. And my health is never going to get better. Sometimes idk the point of being alive if I’m just going to lay in bed every day of my life and cry.

Has anybody out here ever been so depressed and anxious that you feel as if you’ve completely let your life go? For example: I haven’t gotten a haircut in months, I wear the same clothes all the time (no motivation to wash them even though it’s downstairs,) my apartment is an unbearable mess (all my life before this disease I was neat as a pin,) my mailbox is probably flooded from not checking it for weeks, I’ve been putting off projects I’d like to do that I know will make me feel better, my to-do list has stayed stagnant for over half the year, I never wear make up or do my nails like I used to… I feel like a terrible bum. Everyday I just sit on the couch and pray to survive the day and then it ends there. Oh, and I’m sure my car looks terrible, as I haven’t been the one driving it lately. I’m also always stressed about money and hang onto every penny I possibly can even if it means taking away necessary things. I feel like I’m going to explode. :( If any of you have ever let everything go before, how did you go back to normal/bring it all back together? I’m afraid I’m going to live this way forever. Any advice would be so incredibly appreciated. I would be so ecstatic to hear your story — we may be able to help each other even. Thank you so much.