false attraction

Why is my brain telling me that I wouldn’t mind being a p, that I could live with it and be fine with it, and I am really a p because my situation is too unique…. I didn’t agree with it but I allowed myself to think about this, and it just made me feel like I did agree to it. I’m worried that I’m lying to myself, I really don’t want to turn to into this person, my WHOLE LIFE i was attracted to older people and never ever felt this way until now (false attraction) it makes me so convinced and it puts me in a dark space. It’s hard to think right now.

SOOCD sufferers! Do you sometimes worry that you're true attraction is your false attraction and vice versa? and that you actually dont really know what true attraction is but if you go with the unwated sex you will know? Ima actually really struggeling between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone.... I'm a straight female (I think) and I recognise a beautiful women more than a handsome men. Like I wasnt really attracted to my bf's body before actually being with him. However since in my mind, the female body has "more" if feels like I'll feel more if Im with a women? ughh soo weird. Like I dont see a men's naked body and automaticcaly get turned on, I have to be intimate with him for that to happen? honetsly between that and the romantic feelings that I feel like are not "enough" it really sounds like denial even if my therapist really diagnosed me. UGH

When I was half asleep today, trying to wake up, my brain kept asking me if I thought this picture of my friend was attractive, I kept replying with “ maybe, I don’t know, I really can’t tell” .. or… “ I feel like I do” “ maybe I do” “ I feel like I might” ,, and then I’m like wait she’s 13 in these pictures, I’m not sure if I was aware of it, but still, it doesn’t matter, I’m still saying it and I’m like “why am I saying this??” I generally don’t know how I feel anymore, I don’t wanna be a bad person, I just don’t understand why I think this is play to say, or feel?? Maybe because my brain is trying to justify it? It tries to justify everything wrong, so makes it feel like it so it makes it harder… I feel like a genuine bad person, because I don’t know how I feel about it, I really don’t know, I’m scared does it mean I’m a bad person? Because I don’t know how I feel about it. I asked myself if I’m genuinely attracted. And I don’t know anymore. Because I don’t know how I feel about it anymore, I feel like my brain is playing a part in it because it tries to tell me that it’s not wrong. Yes it is wrong though but it’s like no it’s not wrong, It makes me really scared. I generally feel like I’m attracted to her and that I have nothing against it and I don’t know what to do anymore., some people may argue that it’s not wrong, but I believe it’s wrong. So I have no idea why I fucking said that. I genuinely think it’s over. I don’t know if I actually am anymore. I asked myself do I actually feel attraction, because i used to go to a conclusion and say no I don’t. And actually feel that way. But now I don’t feel anything but like pain. Because I don’t want to be. At the same time I feel like I just lied and I do want to feel attraction. I just wanna explain how I feel but I can’t. All I know and what I can explain, is that when my brain was asking me these things I said “ I feel like I might maybe I do I can’t tell “ and why did I say that to a 13-year-old? Why? And why am I still saying it even after realizing that maybe I shouldn’t be saying it. I’m 16 for goodness sake. I don’t wanna think about these things. My brain is making me feel like I do and I do and I’m like I’m so confused.