- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
Do you ever feel like you don’t know deep down though? Like yesterday I was literally sat there thinking ‘deep down I know I’m not gay’. Literally less than 24 hours ago. And now here I am again like ‘what if I don’t know what’s deep down? What if I DO know I’m gay deep down and I’m just ignoring it?’ Sorry I don’t mean to ask questions, I do this all the time and I should know better but it just feels different ‘this time’. I’ve said that a million times before though I wish I’d just recognise that!
- Date posted
- 6y
Yea i feel that way rn actually. Like ik i dont want to be but i what if i really am and dont kbow. Then if u tell someone about thats close to u they'll think you are. ?♀️? but yea idk this hocd is awful. I've hadit since 8thgr
- Date posted
- 6y
Im 23 in the us. Yea i told my sister last month and she told me to experiment. I got soo nervous then the next day the hocd hit me really bad. But yea i dont want to tell anyone. I just want to go back to how i was b4 hocd happened.
- Date posted
- 6y
Dont worry, im at that point too. It's hard but we can get through it! It really is HOCD. Sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and say wow i look like im gay, so ik i must be. But we would know deep down if we were. Which we aren't because it doesnt feel right. You can do it!
- Date posted
- 6y
Omg yes! I told 2 people years ago when it first started and they were all replying as if I had come out. And obviously if someone comes out that’s true right thing to do, and they were very nice but their words were no comfort to me at all because I wasn’t trying to come out to them. That was like 4 years ago and I haven’t told anyone in my life since and I have zero plans on it. How old are you in 8th grade and how old are you now? I’m British so we say ‘year 8’ etc. I’ve had this since I was 15, and I was in year 11 in school.
- Date posted
- 6y
@b13 in 8th gr (middle school) i was 13/14.
- Date posted
- 6y
@lauren98 i hope so because when i think of having to be bi or lesbian, i just get so sad, but my mind and my "heart" is feeling like it's real and I'd love to be with a woman. And im so confused, because ik i find girls attractive but not in the way of dating them. I just notice them. I know i should'nt be looking for reassurrance but im afraid im going to have to face the truth that i really am. ? Am i in denial and just bi or am i actually a full on lesbian. Do i even have HOCD or am i msking it up in my head? I just want to know the real me. I can accept being bi or lesbian if i have to, but it doesnt feel right. It feels so unnatural, but im not as anxious and i dont find most guys attractive until i get to know them. But ive always had crushes on them in school always fantasize about them. But it must be true, because of these urges and thoughts etc. Sorry for the rant. Im just so confused and afraid i don't even know what to think. I afraid to find out that i am and i never had HOCD to begin with just in denial.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w
I’m trying to live with uncertainty but it doesn’t feel right. The “I may or may not be bi/gay” really sucks because I can’t stop ruminating, analyzing, or checking. This especially sucks because I feel like literally EVERYTHING in my life leads to the fact that I’m a fraud which feels horrible. I can’t even talk to my friends the way I used to without feeling like I’m lying about myself. The false attraction and loss of attraction to men is literally horrible because now I feel like the life i fantasized for myself isn’t something I want.
- Date posted
- 16w
I had a bad rumination spiral yesterday and went to bed hoping I’d start over in the morning. I was wrong. I had dreams about liking women and not being attracted to men anymore and my entire body has been in a state of anxiety since. I genuinely feel like I’m gay and just need to accept it. I have this urge to accept it. Maybe if I do I’ll get some sort of relief because this feeling is awful. I feel like my brain is telling me that I’ll get relief if I just accept it and come out. The intrusive thoughts don’t even seem to be around sexual images anymore, just to come out.
- Date posted
- 15w
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!
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