I feel like I don’t wanna be w my bf anymore😭 I know I love him and I know I’ve loved him so much in the past, but now it feels like I’d rather have a girl in his place. I felt so much like I wanted to tell him or break up when I was with him (which felt like ocd) but the thoughts I was having about women instead of him felt calm like I wanted it as if they were intuition :(
Feel you! We even have the same OCD themes.
I feeeeel you
@Anonymousesti How do you keep from acting on it? I feel like I’ll give in at any moment :/
@Anonymous2120 Following
@Anonymous2120 - I just try to ground myself everytime it happens. I say to myself, " breath, stay present, try to get through it". But its very hard. I have had this ever since I could remember which make it seem like it could not be SOOcd but just denial and inetrnal homophobia which triggers me even more etc etc... I got diagnosed by a therapist that told me that it was SOOCD.... but the thoughts are always present even when I'm calm and chill and not really thinking about it! I've been with my bf for 6 years so I really truly understand you. Like do I really love him or is this friendship? If I do really love him do I love him enough? Everytime I imagine scenarios and put a girl instead of my bf it feel like I can "feel" more and can understand what Charecters go through in movies or sad song etc... what if im just in denial and scared to admit it because I dont like change and this will change my whole life? What if its because of societal pressure? Wouldn't I be happier with a women why and I fighting so hard? my thoughts saying " go be with a women and you'll hate being with man after that! " or even not feeling like myself, feeling like Im lying all the time and need to confess. So I get you, specially around Valentine's day. Plus my bf is extremly loving and generous and just perfect so I keep asking myself " am I with him because he fits the good criaterias of my parents? am I with him because he makes life easier? am I using him?" Or when my bf tells me that he loves me to death I go like " He loves me wayy more than me this is true love im not in love its denial" or " I feel a wall making me hard to feel anything"; When these happen I try to remind myself that love means something different to everyone and even if i am maybe not 100 percent straight I just want to be with my bf for now and that is what counts. Obviously it doesnt work all the time and I am really struggling (specially this week) but you just have to live in the moment!
@Anonymousesti I feel like you just read my whole mind. Everything you just said, I relate to. I’m glad someone understands. Do you struggle to see him in your future now? I get anxiety even thinking about men now :/ it’s like I don’t even get anxious at the thought of being w a woman
@Anonymousesti - Let me know what you think or if you have any questions! And soo sorry for the mistakes, its auto-correct!
@Anonymous2120 - omggg I struggle soooo much with that specific point! the "future"! I'm 26 and we've been together for a long time so the question of "getting married" was tackled.... I always get nervous/anxious when talking about that or even thinking about that! and it feels like i'll be in "prison" forever which is sooo not true!! Like I talked to my parents and my bf about that and they always tell me "live whatever life you want" and I still choose to be with my bf. But then I ask myself am I choosing him or choosing the "easiest path"? Don't I deserve to be truly happy even if it means that I like women? Am I gonna ruin my life by marrying him? this is why my therapist said : stay in the present, whatever happens in the future will happen, and its not the end of the world. are you happy with you bf now? ( and I say yes) and she goes like " That is what matters".
@Anonymousesti Could have written this myself. I had a few days of no ocd after years and felt like myself again. Ugh! Then I went back to ocd and now it all seems real again. 😭
@Anonymousesti Ugh again it feels like you read my mind :( I’m struggling so much w the future too. I’ll be fine when I’m with him and feel good and then I’ll start thinking about moving in or getting married and it feels like I wouldn’t like it or like I’ll be stuck. I’ll get anxiety so fast and feel myself pulling away and start questioning if I actually like him touching me. But when I remember the good times before all this then I start feeling okay again. Then I’ll put a girl in his place and it’ll feel like I want that instead and feel guilty and anxious all over again.
@Anonymous2120 Story of my life only that I’m married and a few weeks ago after just agreeing w everything, my ocd got better. It really was hell! It felt like I would want it but I didn’t give in. After a few days, I had no ocd for like three days but it just came back again! 😭
I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔
I really dont know if it is ocd anymore I dont want certain sexual things with my bf anymore that i used to like When i envision it with a girl it is so easy to envision and it feels like i want that , that will give me the satisfaction This feeling is making me really question if i am still into men , desire men sexually Is this still ocd , i really dont know anymore , as it is a feeling it is too real
Lately, I’ve been feeling like something has changed in me — like I have changed, and like my feelings for my boyfriend have faded or shifted. It’s one of the worst sensations I’ve ever felt. I keep thinking things like “I don’t love him like before” or “I’ve changed too much to feel anything now.” Sometimes when he calls me or makes a joke, I get irritated for no reason. I feel like I’m being mean, cold, disconnected — and then guilt crashes down on me. I remember how I used to feel: warm, close, expressive. And now… I just don’t feel the same. That makes me think: “Maybe I’ve fallen out of love.” But I’m also constantly anxious. I overthink every moment. I can’t relax into anything without analyzing if what I feel is “right.” It makes me wonder — maybe I haven’t actually changed. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed and tired from months of these thoughts and fears. I don’t know how to feel right now. I just want to believe that this disconnection isn’t proof that love is gone, but a sign that I’m scared and burnt out.
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